Kaiju Slaying For Death And Profit Ch 17 (Patreon)

Howdy folks. Good news. I was able to get this chapter written even though work was a horrid bitch this last week.

I will endeavor to manage the same until work lets up.

If I don't, I shall commit sudoku.

...

No I won't. I don't have the head for sudoku.

ANYWAYS!

Here is chapter 17. Where not much action happens, but I think important character stuff does happen, sprinkled in.

Let me know how you lot like it!

=][=

I may have made a Lilliputian Lapse.

A Minute Miscalculation.

A Negligible Neglectfulness.

Or in layman’s terms. A Strategic Fuckup.

I did, indeed, allow the situation to register on an emotional level.

There was some cold satisfaction on killing the fuckers responsible. And all I’d needed was to scream ‘God is Great!’ and shoot the ground when the authorities surprisingly enough did their job.

Well, that, some patience, a Special Assault Team armor and uniform, and my trusty Doomguy shotgun.

Once the assault started, things were confused enough that nobody paid too close attention to the big-ass guy on their side killing armed cultists. Through sheer serendipity, there were two members of the taskforce that were almost as tall and buff as me, so in the middle of the firefight, they probably assumed I was one of those two.

That, or they figured it was best not to antagonize the big guy with the fuckoff shotgun so long as he was shooting at the bad guys. Seriously, that monster did not have stopping power, it had go the other way power.

And while that had indeed been satisfying. I realized I was quite screwed once the dust settled and I was safely away in my pocket dimension, with Virgo fussing over me, tutting, and wriggling her surprisingly cute and very squeezable derriere.

12/10, literally divine, fully recommend.

She’d declined to show me the progress of the clones, saying she’d rather wait until they were ‘Maids worthy of the Young Master’s attention.’

Then asked me to make a combat uniform for the clones, because apparently, being a private army was the duty of any worthwhile maid.

Thankfully, due to my fifteen-year work contract, I had a largely automated manufactorum.

Cursing my lack of the Science and Engineering Talents, I took a few hours and modified the blueprints I had for Sororita’s light power armor to fit Rei’s measurements. It helped that the armor pattern was optimized for such modifications.

For armament, I chose an Imperial Autogun pattern hailing from a hive city in Scintilla, capital of the Calaxis Sector: Gunmetal City. The universe of Warhammer 40k may be one of the worst places to end up but dammit, does that degenerate branch of humanity make awesome guns; because nothing says ‘I’m here to do businesses’ quite like your standard infantry rifle firing full-power rifle rounds with full auto capability and a secondary barrel that was for a semi-automatic eight-gauge shotgun loaded with slugs and quintuple aught buckshot.

I also programed the manufactorum to make longlas rifles, so each squad of ten could have a designated marksman, because everyone knows that full power rifle cartridges are for medium range. I’d need to modify future longlas patterns to have a full-auto setting.

And for sidearms, Hellpistols that would connect directly to the armor’s power pack.

Because there is nothing quite like tiny girls in power armor carrying around oversized weapons with terrible ergonomics and the stopping power to tell a charging triceratops to politely fuck off.

I explained to Virgo how to man the manufactorun and perform the final assembly and non-destructive examinations, and after all of that was done, I couldn’t put off facing the music any longer. I left my cozy extradimensional mansion and walked into NERV HQ like I owned the place.

For all of a minute before a squad of security personnel led me, politely at gunpoint, to a cell.

Where I had remained for the last fifty-nine hours. Hopefully, NERV was different from the Company and didn’t have it written in their Standard Operating Procedures to make me wait at least ten more hours before they saw me purely to meet the monthly giggity quota.

Well, before anyone important saw me, one of the nurses from the medical wing had come by once a day to clean my injuries and redo my bandages. Nice of them to make certain I didn’t get an infection.

The door opened and Katsuragi came in, looking stern but quite fetching in her jacket and pencil skirt. I knew a few guys at Basic who would have resold their souls for the opportunity to be stepped on by her.

The Company was weird sometimes.

She remained quiet in an obvious power play, but joke’s on her, I can use my HUD to read. Though I should really see about downloading some cartoons.

“Shinji.” Katsuragi said, her patience having run out before mine. “What happened three days ago?”

Two and a half, but who is keeping count?

“Some assholes attacked the train I was in. My security detail gave me a mask. He died. I was dazed and confused and wandered around the city until I came to my senses and returned to NERV HQ.” I didn’t get up as I gave the most reasonable explanation for my actions that they had no way to disprove. My genius knew no bounds.

“Shinji, you walked away from the train station, covered in blood and holding a knife. We know you killed the attacker, then went off into the city to find their group.” Katsuragi accused.

Well shit. But the joke’s on you! I have met the absolute minimum requirement for my Contract and can leave this garbage bin of a reality literally at any moment!

But I liked the idea of being the Big Damn Hero, and Rei would be sad if I did that.

So, I would save the world, then fuck off. A most wonderful plan with no negative repercussions.

So, I needed a plausible enough lie to pass muster.

I looked her dead in the eye and said. “That doesn’t sound like me.”

Flawless.

Her face did not so much as twitch. I begrudgingly raised my estimation of her by a tick. “Shinji, it does you no good to lie now.”

Said every cop trying to get a confession.

“Please Shinji.” She continued. “We are just trying to understand what happened.”

“Well, that makes two of us, as I said, I just wandered around, dazed and confused, and came back once whatever gas they used worked its way through my system.” I said dismissively.

“Stop being willfully obtuse.” She demanded.

I gave a theatrical sigh. “Look, lets cut the bullshit here. Ultimately, what’s going to happen, is that you are going to let me go, I will go to my apartment, paid for by NERV’s dime, and I will watch my K-dramas that I wisely left recording, just in case.”

“Shinji.” She tried to interrupt, but I stood and walked slowly toward her as I spoke.

“Now, between now and the inevitable, you will argue, threaten, and cajole. You will appeal to whatever you think will get you an ‘in.’ Perhaps you’ll repeat what you did with the picture you sent me before I killed the first Angel and try to get the reaction you want via sex appeal.” She twitched at that, and I had to stop myself grinning at the chink in her armor I’d found. “But ultimately, there is one particular truth above all other truths.”

As I came within arms reach of her, I leaned down until we were eye to eye. “You don’t dare let me rot in here. Because monsters will keep coming, and you need me to pilot the Evangelion to stop them. And the thought I might, just might decide that I’d rather watch the world burn than hand you a win, terrifies you. So, Major Katsuragi. Do yourself a favor and save both of us time, fill out the paperwork for my release, and let me get back to work. Because I’ll remind you, it doesn’t matter if I’m in the robot or in this cell, my salary does not change, either way? I’m getting paid.”

She glared into my eyes for long seconds.

But I wasn’t the one to blink first.

She turned around and left without another word.

I went back to my uncomfortable bed and sat down.

I really hoped they didn’t wait until hour 69 to release me.

=][=

“So…is Ikar—Shinji still doing okay? It’s been a week.” Hokari Hikari asked, shifting so the parasol they’d set up on the roof gave her a little more shade from the sun.

Before Rei could answer, Asuka Langley Soryu said. “That big oaf? If he’d only cooperated with Misato he wouldn’t be stuck in the brig! But he’s still stonewalling her! He refuses to say anything about what happened on the train! He didn't cooperate, of course he was gonna be stuck in a cell until the investigation finished! Lucky him, he should be out soon, according to Misato.”

Hikari leaned forward. “Why do you think he’s being so…”

“Stupid? Dumb? Belligerent? Annoying?”

“I was going to say ‘unhelpful.’” Hikari said shyly.

“It’s because he feels like he failed.” Rei said when Asuka didn’t answer.

Hikari blinked in surprise and leaned forward. “What do you mean? Failed at what?”

Rei took a bite of her food. It was a sandwich from the cafeteria. It wasn’t as good as the sandwiches Shinji always had on him, and significantly worse than the food he cooked.

It made her miss her Shinji all the more.

She finished chewing and swallowed, then spoke. “He killed the perpetrator in his train car.”

Hikari gasped and covered her mouth with her hands, her face going pale. Rei was momentarily confused, before remembering the time Shinji explained that to a lot of people, violence was an abstract concept.

She continued with her explanation. “Shinji didn’t kill the perpetrator before he activated the gas device. He fell victim to it, but a NERV security officer following him gave Shinji his gasmask. He died. Shinji blames himself for the man’s death.”

Asuka scoffed and crossed her arms. “Why? The man did his duty. He should be celebrated, not mourned.”

“Because.” Rei said, searching for the right words to make the loud girl understand. “Because Shinji cares about the people around him. Seeing people around him hurt, hurts him.”

Asuka scoffed and took an aggressive bite of her food.

Hikari smiled apologetically. “While I think Soryu is taking it a little far, I have to agree with her that Sh-Shinji tends to push people away, he doesn’t really seem to care about what anybody thinks of him.”

Rei shook her head. “It’s simple. Just be nice to him.”

“Nice!? That big oaf just insults or belittles people!” Asuka said.

Hikari said nothing but looked like she agreed with Asuka.

“Shinji…he pushes people away. He scares people. He makes them angry. Because if he doesn’t, then he will care for them. And it will hurt him when he’s not able to protect them.” Rei looked down at her hands, tracing the back of her hand where Shinji liked to rub gentle circles on her skin when he was holding her and thinking hard about something. “Like operative Kenichi, he was nice to us, gave us as much privacy as he could, and ultimately sacrificed himself to save Shinji’s life. Shinji knows that no matter how hard he tries, how well he fights. People will die to the Angels. And if he lets himself be close to anyone, then it will hurt. So, he scares people away, to keep himself safe. But he is bad at it. He can’t help himself, and he fights all the harder because of it. So…if you’re nice to him, he will fight harder for you, because your death will hurt him.”

Rei looked up and saw both Asuka and Hikari staring at her.

“That…might be the most I’ve ever heard you talk.” Asuka said.

Hikari however, brought her hands to her suddenly red cheeks. “Oh my gosh!” She squealed. “Ikari is a tsundere!”

“Wait what?” Asuka said.

“Oh, it all makes sense now!” Hikari continued, her eyes suddenly shining. “He’s soft and mushy and dutiful! But he uses his big buff exterior as armor! And once you manage to get close, he’s protective and nice!”

“His main form of showing affection is hugs, cooking, and insults.” Rei stated.

Hikari covered her face and made a squeeing noise while giggling.

Asuka crossed her arms. “Well, none of his insults to me have felt affectionate!”

Rei shook her head. “He doesn’t like you because you’ve never been nice to him.”

The sounds Hikari was making were approaching the point where they would climb above the range of human hearing. Perhaps Rei should take her to the nurse?

“Okay! Okay, I’m good. It’s fine. Ooookay.” Hikari said, removing her hands. “So, how have you been holding up Ayanami?”

Rei shrugged. “It’s been difficult. Shinji is the one that cooked.”

“Oh? He’s been bringing you food to your home? That’s so cute! Boys usually don’t do that.” Hikari said with a smile.

Rei blinked. “Why would he bring it anywhere? He lives there too.”

Hikari frowned and hesitantly asked. “You two…live together?”

Asuka’s eye gained a mischievous glint, and she smirked. “Not only do they live together…they live together alone.”

Hikari opened her mouth, closed it, opened it again, closed it, opened it a third time, and screamed. “But that’s indecent!”

“My apologies.” Rei said and lowered her head. “I understand that it is usually the female that cooks. Shinji has attempted to teach me, but my talents in that regard are lacking.”

“Cooking has nothing to do with this!” Hikari screeched. “Boys and girls of similar age should not live under the same roof unless they’re related! What is your Guardian thinking!?”

Asuka’s smirk widened. “Oh, you think that’s bad? I should absolutely not let you know that they don’t have an adult to supervise them…oops?”

Hikari’s face turned bright red. “They what!?”

“Well. According to Shinji. There were no qualified adults to be his Guardian.” Rei explained.

“How could that possibly be!?” Hikari demanded.

“The only available choice was Major Katsuragi.” Rei answered.

Asuka hissed in sympathy. “Yeaaah, okay, I can see that would not work. Especially not with Shinji being the way he is. He’d probably throw the penguin out first day.”

“Penguin?” Hikari asked. “No, no! You can’t distract me; any adult supervision is better than none!”

Asuka looked away, her eyes unfocused in the distance. “We ran out of milk a few days ago. She used beer instead of milk on her cereal. She accompanied her cereal and beer with another beer. The last time she cooked for me, I had to get my stomach pumped, this was a TV dinner by the way. And she always walks around the apartment half-naked. I had to hire cleaners to clean the apartment, just so I could bring my luggage in, the place was worse than a pigsty.”

Hikari stared open mouthed.

“That’s why Shinji insisted on being emancipated.” Rei said. “He cooks, keeps the apartment clean. He always holds the door, insists on taking care of the physically demanding chores. And though he doesn’t like tea, he makes the tea I like for me. I’ve missed him a lot these last days.”

Hikari blinked. “Huh…he sounds…like the perfect gentleman.”

Asuka leaned in. “So, how is he in bed?”

“He’s very warm, and rather clingy, but I like that. He’s firm but gentle. It was uncomfortable at first, and a little painful, but we found a position we both enjoy.” Rei answered and took another bite of her sandwich. The first time she’d used Shinji’s arm as a pillow to sleep, she’d ended up hurting him, because she cut off the blood-flow, and he’d refused to wake her to remedy that, or that time that she turned and accidentally drove her knee into a pressure point on his leg.

Hikari’s face turned even redder, steam coming out of her ears and whistling like a teakettle.

Rei sighed, she did not know what social cue she’d missed, but clearly, Hikari had gotten the wrong idea, and rectifying that misunderstanding was going to take all day. She just knew it.

=][=

“Home. Fuckin’ finally.”

As it turned out, the paperwork to getting released from a paramilitary cell at NERV HQ, took all goddamn day. I should have included a clause in my contract about that. But something something spilled milk.

Did I even have any milk at home? I knew for a fact I had powdered milk…

I opened the door, stepped inside. And halted.

“Ffffaaaaan-frigging-tastic, and now this.” I said with venom. Seeing Rei, Asuka, and the bossy class rep whose name I know I know, but couldn’t recall because everyone but Rei called her class rep. “Rei, why are these two in my apartment?” I asked rhetorically, the blankets, pillows, and futons made it pretty obvious they were having a sleepover.

Before Rei could answer me. Class Rep jumped to her feet and pointed an imperious finger up at me. “I’m here to make certain you are not doing anything indecent! Rei will sleep with Asuka and I tonight and there is nothing you can do about it!”

I gave her a deadpan stare. “You are aware that, after this little sleepover is over, we are just going to go right back to our usual sleeping arrangements, yeah?”

Class Rep puffed up like a particularly angry squirrel.

I sighed and started on my grumbling way to the kitchen. “Fine, whatever. I’ll go make dinner for you lot. Seriously not even giving a guy a bit of warning before barging in and leaving him scrambling.”

But when I walked into the kitchen, not only were there the boxed remains of a meal at the table, the dishes were clean and the place was tidied up.

How fucking dare they?

“What? You thought we would do something as crass as force you to provide for us with no notice? We aren’t boys.” Asuka said with malicious glee as I recovered from the sacrilege of someone invading my kitchen.

I turned to glare at the soulless ginger and pointed an imperious finger. “Touché, you win this round. But I’m making snacks.”

This time, it was Class Rep who twisted the knife. “Oh! When my older sister heard we were having a sleepover, she made onigiri.”

I felt my eye twitch. “Yeah well, I’m making brownies, now get out of my kitchen and gossip about boys while braiding each other’s hair or whatever asinine thing you lot do. Shoo!”

Asuka and the Class Rep retreated while giggling.

Fuckin’ paperwork, fuckin’ guests using my kitchen. Though now that I think of it, what had Rei been eating with me locked up? She still had all her fingers, so she probably didn’t cook for herself.

I’d have to find out and send whoever fed her a gift basket, or maybe some wine.

Or perhaps a gift basket with wine?

No…mead, can’t go wrong with mead. And a jar of honey.

As I mixed the sugar, flour, butter, eggs, cocoa powder, vanilla, etc. into batter, I didn’t bother keeping an ear out for whatever the girls were talking about, only hearing the muffled murmur of their conversation, and the occasional giggle.

Deciding on the spot to instead make brookies, I used my HUD to send Virgo a list of the ingredients I was lacking in (I really didn’t feel like running to the supermarket right now) and thought through my plans going forward.

I was going to have to be extra careful, I definitely tipped my hand a little too far going after the suicidal idiots that thought it was a good idea to involve others in their delusions.

I still had a number of Angels to go through, with M’shen infiltrating the UN military, I should be able to mitigate the slaughter of NERV’s personnel. Most of them were just smart, driven people doing their best to save the world. The rot was at the top, but the people were good.

That would be difficult, but between the Rei clones, superior equipment, M’shen and Virgo, and myself, we would hopefully mitigate the worst of it.

I’d worry about exposing the sins of the bastards at the top after I saved the world from their idiocy.

After that, I could leave.

While the brookies baked, I filled a cooler with ice and various drinks, from sodas to juices, nothing alcoholic, however. With the class rep here, that’d just get me in trouble. With that done, I sat down and read until the oven informed me it was time to check on the confection.

The toothpick test told me it needed another few minutes in the oven, but after that I had the wonderful crime against humanity that was the unholy fusion of a brownie and a cookie.

Because there’s no better way to pacify bossy girls than giving them diabetes.

Once they’d cooled, I made my way to the living room, Asuka stood up from the pillow and blanket fort, placed herself between me and the girls, and pointed to a line of pillows on the floor. “This is the impenetrable Wall of Jericho! You are not allowed past it!”

I blinked, stalked forward, and stopped right next to the line of pillows before the exceedingly smug Asuka.

I then effortlessly nudged pillows out of my way with my foot, making a hole in the fortification, then stepped forward and glaring down my nose at her dramatically stated. “The Wall of Jerico fell.”

Asuka narrowed her eyes at me, then stumbled back when I shoved the exactly cut brookie tray into her arms.

“Here are brookies, eat the whole thing for all I care. Just save some for Rei.” I pointed to the cooler. “Drinks are in the cooler. Scary movies and action movies are in the TV stand/drawer thing hybrid. I don’t have romantic comedies and if that disappoints you, you need to develop better taste in movies.”

I stepped out of their ‘fort’ and made my way to my and Rei’s room. “I’ll be in my room, holler if you need anything. Try not to be too loud or the neighbors will get uppity. Have a nice stay.”

“Oh my gosh he is a tsundere.”

I decided to ignore that utterly false whisper from Class Rep. Went to my room and got ready for an early night.

All that damn paperwork had been exhausting.