Blocked Party: The Podcast: The Newsletter - The Official Newsletter of Blocked Party: The Podcast #6 (Patreon)

Hey, it's John. I do hope you're doing very well. It's been a pretty wild month for us here at BPHQ, and we have you to thank for all of that. We really love you very much and it's such a wonderful feeling to know we are so supported by our listeners.

As wild as the month has been for BP, personally, it's been fairly chill. I'm not curling this year, and so it's left me with a bit more free time. I went to visit my friend Josh at his bar on a Monday night not that long ago, before the NHL season started and before MLB Playoffs started, in a real sports dead zone. So what was playing at the bar? Professional Bull Riding. Now, I'll never pretend to understand the popularity of that particular sport, or why it exists, given the inherent animal cruelty involved, but one thing must be said: it's funny as shit.

The history of bull riding is even more grim than you could figure just by simply watching the activity happen, a thing where you watch a grown human person try and stay on the bare back of a bull that's having its testicles yanked by a strap. Now, everywhere you read online when you type into Google the question, "why do the bulls in bull riding buck?" swears up and down that their testicles are not involved in the strap securing process. Seems a little bit like the lady doth protest too much, no? Leading every article about bull riding with "IT'S NOT ABOUT THEIR BALLS" seems that it might be 100% about their balls.

According to my trusted sources at Wikipedia, bull riding began in the 1500s as a competition where riders literally rode a bull to death. Thankfully, it only took 300 years before they decided to change things up, and just stop riding the bull once it stopped bucking--or once they were thrown from its mount. Funny enough, Texas of all places banned bull riding in the late 1800s, as the population decided that blood sports weren't their thing. But gosh darnit, you just can't hold a good cowboy down, and once rodeos began to increase in popularity towards the mid-20th Century, bull riding was brought back.

I watched it for about an hour with my friends, and I'll say this: it's absolutely absurd to watch. It's not entertaining in any sort of casual way that makes sense. Most rides are over in 8 seconds or less. Getting the bull ready to buck in the tiny starting cage (I have looked it up and it's called "the bucking chute", only half of which sort of makes sense, given that it's not a chute and no bucking takes place inside of it) takes at least 5 times as long. Some of the rides, of course, are even shorter than that. In a culture where we are told things need to happen faster and faster, bull riding is painstakingly slow. But hey, don't worry: only the most intelligent people on earth are bull riding commentators, filling the constant need for something to be happening by spinning yarns about this bull was actually really happy and this is not at all, in any way, torture. Everyone is happy to be here, we are all happy to be doing this and watching it, and goddamnit can these country boys sure ride them ding dang things.

Now, in fairness to the bulls, they do rank the bulls on the Professional Bull Riding (of course it's abbreviated PBR) website, alongside the riders. It is important to know which bulls are the most angry at their situation, in case we get attacked and need to rely on bulls as cavalry in the climate apocalypse.

The #1-ranked bull is named Smooth Operator, which is actually a cool name, because the bull actually bucks a lot, you see? It's a fun pun, and I think we can agree that there needs to be more fun in bull riding. Do you know they still call the people who tend to the bull before and after the ride rodeo clowns? It must be tough to explain to people that your job is a clown, except no, not that kind, and no, not that other kind either, and yes, I swear this is a real job that I do and no, for the last time, we do not harm their balls.

The only thing better than the naming of the bulls, is the naming of the people who ride bulls. As a teacher, sometimes I wonder how much effect it has on a child to name them something stupid. Like is the kid not that bright because their parents named them Atlantis, or are they named Atlantis because they aren't that bright? I'm not even sure that analogy makes sense, but here's one thing I'm sure of: if your name is Chase Outlaw, you're probably going to ride bulls for a living.

The only thing that is surprising in this photo is that he's ranked #3, and not Ultimate God of Bull Riding. There's also a guy named this:

Ryan. Dirteater. Just look at it. Stare at it for a few minutes, and let it sink in. The guy's name is Ryan Dirteater. Every article ever written about him is, "kind of an ironic name for a guy who rides bulls and is trying not to eat dirt, am I right?" And all I can think is, "kind of an ironic name for a guy who definitely would eat dirt in elementary school for free, like you know those kids who said they would eat dirt if you paid them a dollar and then you sort of suggested you would but everyone knew you weren't really gonna pay and then he ate the dirt anyway because you're pretty sure he just wanted to eat the fuckin' dirt". 

I tweeted about these two not that long ago, on the night I took in the bull riding. Apparently the PBR likes to do some name searching on the ol' Twitter, because this was their response: 

Is breaking 30 bones in your face because you refuse to wear a helmet the best story you have? That does not bode well for your sport in general, I think. "This guy got profoundly injured being stupid. It's beautiful!" 

Apparently a lot of the riders are finally switching over to wear a helmet, but some don't!! I think your first thought when you watch bull riding is, "man, these guys must be dumb" and then some guy comes out riding an animal whose only goal is to hurt the guy as quickly and as violently as possible and he's not wearing a helmet and you're all, "oh, these guys are dumb for sure."

For lack of a better segue, here are some other very funny bull riding names:

Little House on the Prairie-sounding ass name. Jess Lockwood, dear god almighty. This guy was born inside of a cactus. He's sponsored by Wrangler Jeans because of course he is. 

"Cody Jesus" is the name of a preacher in a Wyoming Wal-Mart parking lot. "I'M THE CODY JESUS!", he yells, before asking you for some coins for salvation.

Dakota Buttar is both the #1-ranked bull rider in Canada and the name of an ancient healing salve, passed down from generations, that both smells bad and does not work.

Folks, sometimes you just have to save the best for last. If "Chase Outlaw" was born to ride bulls, this guy was born to ride them, take them as his wife and children, live inside a silo only sustaining his life off of grain, and die with a branding iron stuck somewhere on his body. Norse God Other Name For Cow the Second. There's two of these guys. It is the least surprising thing he was both born in Idaho and in the river named for a leader of a church. He probably pisses potatoes. His eyebrows alone say that he both rides bulls and has never enjoyed a single day in his life. What a man.

I don't have a cool ending for this piece, to be quite honest. I watched bull riding once, and now I've written as much as I could about it without really doing any research or interviewing anyone or really trying hard at all. But I was able to get enough from watching it for less than an hour in my friends in a bar to say that I don't need watch it again. Nor do you. Just stick to the rivers and the streams that you're used to.

Love,
John.