The Newsletter #25: Witchcraft on Fiverr (Patreon)

Hi everyone, it's Stefan. I'm in a dark place right now. This is the most difficult trial I've ever experienced. Hell, it might even qualify as a tribulation. God damn, I never thought it would happen, but I think I hate staying inside and playing video games all the time! I'm tired of Hearthstone! I've played too much NHL! I've sold enough turnips in Animal Crossing! It's sort of like the Simpsons bit where Homer is in hell and receives the ironic donut punishment, except this time the punishment actually works as intended.

So, to remedy this, I did what any logical person would do: I ordered several seasons of King of the Hill on DVD. As a result, I've come to a conclusion that I should have settled on years ago...

I'm finally ready to say it: Peak King of the Hill is better than peak Simpsons. This is something I've been stewing on for a long time, and after watching, like, three episodes from KoTH Season 6, I've made my choice. Seriously, here's a random selection of episodes from that season:

• Lupe's Revenge (Peggy accidentally kidnaps a Mexican child)
• Unfortunate Son (This is the one where Dale buys a falcon that repeatedly attacks Bill)
• A Man Without a Country Club (Hank is invited to join an all-Asian country club)
• Bobby Goes Nuts (Bobby starts kicking people in the nuts)
• Returning Japanese (Two part episode where the Hills go to Japan)

Incredible. That is an unimpeachable selection of episode. Now, I'm a huge Simpsons fan, and I think it's definitely close. It also depends on what kind of mood you're in. Before the quarantine, who knows? I'd probably lean Simpsons. Hell, this could just be recency bias. I hadn't watched KoTH for, like, five years until this past week. But whichever way you lean, I think either answer is acceptable. I might also try discussing this on the pod, because while John doesn't watch movies, I know for a fact that he at least watches TV.

The Witches of Fiverr

You'll be hearing about some of this on an upcoming bonus episode, but John and I recently spent a few days scouring gig website Fiverr. I definitely figured we'd encounter some weirdly sexual cartoon stuff, and we, uh, certainly did just that. One thing I didn't expect, however, was the sheer number of witchcraft and dark magick practitioners hocking their wares.

First off, how can you tell if the witch or warlock in question is qualified to cast a spell on you or your behalf? Easy: their header image looks something like this:







There are Fiverr spells for anything you can imagine: jobs, money, love, curses, impotence, and, of course, YouTube views.



Not all of them start at five dollars, though. I mean, five dollars isn't gonna immediately make you the CEO and owner of a company. Don't be ridiculous.


It is completely insane that Fiverr allows this shit on their site. Once you read just one of these gig pages, it becomes immediately clear just exactly how they've been designed to prey on the poor and desperate. Even the five star reviews don't actually say the spell has worked. It's usually just a variation on the theme of the spell-ee being excited that the spell is, at some point in the future, actually take affect.






In the end, though, these magick practitioners know what's up. That's why quite a few of them include legal disclaimers on their pages that essentially say "Hey, this shit doesn't work."

Video Game Graffiti Ideas

I wasn't exactly hoping that the pandemic would spiral out of control to the point that people started spray-painting dire warnings on walls and boarded-up storefronts, but I was prepared for it. I've been playing post-apocalyptic games with questionable politics for years, and one thing that they all have in common is extremely on-the-nose graffiti. I know for a fact I would absolutely kick ass at that shit, mostly because the graffiti never actually looks good - it just looks like it was written on the wall in Comic Sans. I'm also fairly stupid, which, if you've ever seen video game graffiti before, you understand how that's definitely a point in my favor. Here are just a few of the ideas I had:

• We Tried To Warn You
• Where Is The Food?
• We Tried To Warn You That We Needed Food
• What If WE'RE The Bad Guys???
• Environmental Storytelling Kicks Ass
• Insane That I Even Had Time To Spraypaint This
• Press Y To Vault Over This Wall
• I'm Writing This Here Because I Lost My Tape Recorder
• Is This The Post-Apocalypse Or Just Regular Apocalypse
• Need Food... Going To Have To Start Ea ing Spr ypaint So n
• There Are Audio Logs In This Game Too BTW
• Hope Y'all Like Heavy-Handed Metaphors

Let's Check In On Peep THIS Out!

If you've listened to the latest ep, you already know I've been getting back into Peep THIS Out. I've got a lot to catch up on. I probably hadn't watched a full video of his for, like, two months before this past weekend. I figure most of you have been avoiding him as well. Look, I get it: when you're stuck inside, there are a lot better options than watching a sickly manchild eat a Burger King Triple Onion Fuck in his mid-size sedan. But it's time to get back to basics. It's time to get back to Ian K. Let's see just what he's been up to these past few months.



Ah, fuck.


Ian, c'mon dude. This isn't even borderline pornographic. This is just straight up porno! (But, like, the weird German stuff you find on XHamster.)


"Value Patty Size Goodness" as a phrase is like the exact opposite of "cellar door."


Going to make this my phone wallpaper.


Never mind. Going to make this my phone wallpaper


"Lovely situation." Maybe not the words I would use here. Probably something more like "the scene in The Revenant where Leo cuts open his horse to survive."



His rating system continues to baffle me. Why even introduce decimals into this shit?




We will continue to monitor the Peep This Out comments section situation over the coming weeks. Until next time... Stay frosty!