"Baritone" (Patreon)

Hey everybody!
Another musical episode, another song from the archives of everybody's favorite Long Island dentist/oral surgeon/script doctor of Broadway musicals and, inexplicably, The Boss Baby movies: Dr. Samuel Bultch, D.D.S.. This time, we're looking in at an often overlooked portion of Dr. Bultch's career; namely, his time as an actor trying to make ends meet by trodding the boards of the Great White Way. When his opportunities dried up (being a baritone in the modern musical theater sphere), he ended up asking his buddy Stephen Schwartz, whom he had met playing Russian Roulette in Little Italy, for a role in his upcoming musical Wicked in order to get the weeks required to qualify for Equity health insurance to deal with his many, many health problems. This demo is the result of that inquiry. Please enjoy!

"Baritone"
Music by Stephen Schwartz
Lyrics by Dr. Samuel Bultch, D.D.S.

Bultch: 
Stephen, now that we’re friends, I’ve decided to be a part of your next project.

Schwartz: 
You really don’t have to do that.

Bultch: 
I know. That’s what makes me Sam Bultch.

(Singing)

WHENEVER I HEAR SOMEONE
WITH A HIGHER VOICE THAN I
AND LET’S FACE IT
WHO DOESN’T
HAVE A HIGHER VOICE THAN I?
MY DIAPHRAGM
BREAKS A DAM
WITH SPEED

'CAUSE WHEN SOMEONE NEEDS A DIFFERENT KEY
I DROP IT DOWN INSTINCTIVELY
I KNOW, I KNOW
EXACTLY
WHAT YOU NEED

CAUSE EVEN IN YOUR SHOW
THOUGH IT’S THE HIGHEST SHOW
I’VE YET TO KNOW
DON’T WORRY
I’M DETERMINED TO IMPEDE
FOLLOW MY LEAD
AND YES
INDEED
YOU
NEED
A

BARITONE
JUST WRITE FOR A BARITONE
YOU GIVE ‘EM A SWEENEY TODD
AND THEY’LL APPLAUD
WHEN HE GOES AND KILLS HIS WIFE!
OH! OR MAYBE THAT BIGELOW
HITS HIS WIFE JUST SO
WHY DO THEY ALL HURT THEIR WIVES?

WELL THEY’RE BARITONES
GO GET YOU A BARITONE
WITHOUT A QUIXOTE SORT
YOU’LL COME UP SHORT
SO THAT CLEFT YOU’VE GOT TO KNOW
SO LET’S START
CAUSE YOU’VE GOT AN AWFULLY LONG WAY TO LOW.

DON’T BE OFFENDED BY MY FRANK ANALYSIS
THE TRUTH IS THAT I DESPERATELY NEED DIALYSIS
NOW THAT I’VE GOTTEN PAIN IN MY CANAL, A BLIS-
TER THAT IS SHOWING
TUMORS THAT ARE GROWING
PLEASE THROW A BONE TO

BARITONES
JUST HIRE THIS BARITONE
AND WITH AN ASSIST FROM ME
YOU’LL WIN THE TONY
AND I CAN CLEAR THIS KIDNEY STONE
YUCK
THERE’S NOTHING THAT CAN STOP YOU
WHEN YOU’VE GOT A BARITONE.
OH FUCK!

AH! AHH!!! AHH!!! AHH!!!
SORRY THAT’S MY KIDNEY STONE.

WHEN YOU CAN’T GET MAJOR SURGERY
CAUSE OF FUCKED UP DRAMATURGY
I’LL REMIND YOU ON MY OWN BEHALF
THAT IF I
DON’T GET ALL MY WEEKS BY EASTER
I WILL PROB’LY BE DECEASED, SIR
CAN I JUST BOOK A GIG PLEASE?
DON’T ME LAUGH
I’M A BARITONE
PLEASE

JUST WRITE FOR A BARITONE
IT’S NOT ABOUT MARKET TRENDS
IT’S BECAUSE WE’RE FRIENDS
AND MY LINE ENDS WITH ME
SO PLEASE HELP THIS BARITONE
TO PEE.

(Speaking)

Stephen please, you don’t understand
I desperately need Equity health insurance
My current doctor lives under a dock
And I think he’s just been replacing my organs
With animal organs
And I don’t think the wolf spleen is taking
Please
Anything
I’ll be a Munchkin for 20 years
I don’t care.
Please? Please?

Stephen:
I have to go.

Bultch:
At least think about it!
Oh....
(Singing)
AND THOUGH YOU SAID NO
AND BACKED AWAY REAL SLOW
I WON’T SIT AROUND AND WEEP
I’M GONNA GO AND STEAL IT
A KIDNEY FROM A BABY SHEEP

HA!
BAAAA BAAAA BAAAA BAAAA
I’M A BARITONE!
BUT NOW THIS HERE BARITONE’S
HALF-SHEEP!!!