"The Ballad of Sam Bultch" (Patreon)

Hey lovely patrons!

Another musical episode, another banger from Dr. Samuel Bultch, D.D.S., the second-greatest lyricist/dentist ever to grow up on Long Island. Enjoy!

The Ballad of Sam Bultch
Music by Stephen Sondheim
Lyrics by Dr. Samuel Bultch D.D.S.

Balladeer:
Sam Bultch
Dentist Man
Born in the middle of Long Island
Drove in his shot
And old-ass sedan
To the Pan-American Airlines Theater
In Old New York
In Old New York

Saw all of a sudden
His lyrics blew
Said Time’s a wastin’
It’s ‘92!
If I can’t hack it
Here’s what I’ll do
I’ll ask Sondheim!

On the Great White Way
He’ll produce a play
That’s ahead of its time.

Announcer:
Single line, ladies and gentlemen!
Single line to meet the god-king of the Great White Way
Line forms here to shake hands with Stephen J. Sondheim!

Balladeer:
Sam Bultch
Lyricist
Ten years of failure
Had made him pissed
Brought him a weathered
And well-worn list

To the heart of Manhattan
By the Times Square lights
At the Pan-American Airlines Theatre
In Old New York
In Old New York

Saw Steven Sondheim there
In the breeze
Heard Steven Sondheim say
“I like bees
I’ll write a musical about those bees
With razzmatazz
Yes, I’ll write that show
But I’ve got to know
How you feel about jazz?”

Fairgoers:
Sondheim!

Balladeer:
Gave ‘em a rhyme.

Fairgoers:
Sondheim!

Balladeer:
In 9/20 time!

Fairgoers:
Sondheim!

Balladeer:
Must be sublime
To be in your prime like-

All:
Sondheim!

Horny Fairgoer:
Doesn’t Sondheim look marvelous?
So bearded
And Zaddy!

Gossipy Fairgoer:
Have you heard what his next musical will be about?
He literally just said it: bees!

Boisterous Fairgoer:
I hear in his spare time, he enjoys collecting twinks!

The Worst Child:
Wanna sip?

Bultch:
It’ll rot your teeth, kid.

Balladeer:
Sam Bultch
Saddest Guy
Said he would make it
Or he would die
Yes, and he thought he’d give it a try:

In the heart of Manhattan
By the Times Square lights
Near the shiny Dave and Buster’s
And the old Gristedes
At the Great Pan-American Airlines Theater
In Old New York
In Old New York

Wrapped him a rubber band
Round his score
Said this’ll surely
Get me in the door!
They haven’t seen a show
Like this before
And that’s a crime

A musical that’s entirely sung in mime!
And filled with slime!

On the Great White Way
You can have your say
As long as Steve
Gives the okay
You’ve been given the freedom
To write a play
That’s ahead of its time.

Sondheim:
I’ll do it!

Bultch:
SAM BULTCH!

Balladeer:
That’s ahead of its time!