A Frog's Blessing on this Wonderful Galaxy: Chapter 10 (Patreon)

The School of Hard Chuckles

Despite having lived for quite some time inside it, Kermit still couldn't help but be overcome by a sense of awe and wonder as he walked down its shimmering and iridescent tunnels of the Webway. Tracing his hands against its smooth walls, feeling it give under his touch, how it rippled and pulsed with life, yet able to hold its shape as unreality pushed at every corner just outside boggled his mind.

Whoever made these tunnels must be real proud of their work knowing that it lasted this long. It must have taken them great effort to do so and he would know given the work he put in just making a small tunnel! Speaking off… He wondered what happened to his hole?

He remembered bringing it up so it must have been closed off or filled up by now. A shame, but Jaghatai made his unease of its existence clear. Sighing, he stared out into the unreality just outside, watching as the swirling bands of colors hidden behind the veil shifted and changed.

Following the sound of squeaky shoes and the jingle of silver bells along with their self absorbed rambling and laughter, Kermit grimaced as he turned to his other companion. "Isha?" he called out to the goddess beside him.

"Yes, Kermit?" the smaller woman replied, turning to him as she gave him a serene smile. Seemingly unaffected by the insanity of her fellow god.

"I know I have to learn how to use my powers," He muttered as he bent low, gazing at the Laughing God for a moment and saw that their eyes were still ahead, before he asked, "But does it have to be him?"

Isha already explained to him that the god was a master of the craft, a trickster beyond measure, one who fooled the demonic goddess with what little powers he had and came out as the only god left standing, but he was still an asshole. Rescuing him, but then trying to force him to abandon his friends. It still made him mad thinking about it.

In hindsight, they were probably just trying to get him to man up, but it was still very much a dick move!... even if his words struck true and he would have kept running if not for his hurtful words. "Gah! Why does he have to make sense!" He grimaced, trying to hold back his frustration from bubbling over.

"Come now, it worked out in the end didn't it?" The clown laughed as he gazed back at him and flashing him that same infuriating smile he always sported. "Let bygones be bygones and what not," They told him as Kermit found himself groaning.

In all honesty, he wasn't thrilled about the training. If it were up to him, he'd probably just find a nice place to lay down, get himself a banjo and some tea and enjoy the rainbow sky in peace. However, he had responsibilities now, people he had to keep safe. If he was going to earn his keep around his new home, he had to work and dealing with the clown was the only way to go.

"And of course he's a mind reader," Kermit muttered as he dragged his hands across his face. It was already hard getting separated from his friend, but now he had to deal with this clown.

"On the contrary my dear amphibian friend," They chuckled before teasing him, "Your thoughts are merely just that loud!" The airhorns and canned laughter that followed only made him want to throttle the man even more. Closing his eyes, he slowly counted one to ten.

After being subjected to his jeers and laughter, Kermit swore the god did his best to make himself unlikable. "As if I'd like him anyways," He muttered to himself as he looked over to Isha.

Even Isha's smile wore thin. "He's… good at what he does, far better than I am, really," She claimed as she paused and stopped him on his track, letting the self absorbed god walk ahead. It wasn't like they'd lose him given the sound of the head harlequin's boots echoing in the tunnels.

Sighing, she told him, "But I'll admit that he can be quite abrasive and hard to deal with at times." Their words were measured and polite, but even a goddess like her seemed to have limits.

"You mean an asshole?" He replied, not one to have such a reservation. They mocked and laughed without restraint, all too willing to point out faults and absurdities. It would have been funny if he wasn't on the receiving end of it most of the time.

"Yes," She groaned out before a loud pop and a rain of confetti had her and Kermit jumping in surprise. Standing on his shoulder, with his face inches away from his, was the Clown God having just replaced his mask with that of a crying one.

Grabbing him and pulling his gaze towards the goddess, Cegorach clutched his chest as he reached out to the woman below. "Etu Isha?" Pressing his arms up against his forehead as if he was going to faint, he said wistfully, "Prank her once and she'll never forgive you…"

"You stole my nose," The woman gritted out with a strained smile as she swatted away a hand reaching for her. Staring at the hand that Cegorach now clutched, Kermit wondered if Isha was being literal about it or if she was just being metaphorical about it. Given what they were… he had the sinking feeling that it was the former.

"Ah yes, good times," Cegorach sighed before he pulled away before reappearing in front of them. "Now kidding aside, just give me a chance, Kermit," The god asked as he placed his right hand over his heart and raised his left before he told him, "I promise that I'll do my best to turn you into a god worthy of your mantle." Offering his hands, they then asked, "Now won't you shake my hand?"

The man's tone was serious, but that mask ruined it. Seeing the frown shift to a sudden smile made him uneasy, but Isha trusted them. "Damn it, I feel like I'm going to regret this, but alright," He relented as reluctantly reached out a finger to the smaller god, "If I'm going to be the King of the Gods, I might as well live up to the part."

"That's the spirit!" The god grinned as he shook his hands. Pulling him along with surprising strength, the god told him, "Stick with me little buddy and I'll make you a superstar!" Forced to march along, Kermit turned to Isha, begging for help, but the goddess merely gave him an apologetic smile.

"Just humor him!" Isha whispered as she encouraged him, "You'll do great! I promise!" Kermit wished he had Red and Lilith were here, but Isha had them staying behind. Something about where they're going being a secret and all.

Turning away, betrayed by the elf he had saved, he reluctantly followed, keeping pace with the god. Glancing back at him, the god said, "Now, how about we get your library card sorted out first, hmmm?"

"A Library Card?" He replied mystified by the god's choice of words. A library card, in this day and age? "For what?" He asked, wondering what kind of library would be out here in the Webway. He had already seen a city inside its borders, but a library felt a bit too out of place. Why would anyone keep a library here?

"Why to the greatest repository of knowledge in the galaxy of course!" The man declared as he guided them to a large clearing and Kermit's jaws dropped. Gazing up, he found himself staring at a giant tower of scorched wraith bone that towered even over himself. Despite being smaller than the city of Commorragh, it was no less impressive with the glowing runes and power arcing across its surface.

Letting go of his hands, Cegorach walked ahead before turning back to him. With the structure behind him, he bowed with a flourish before he said, "Welcome to the Black Library."

-x-x-x-

It would take him sometime to tear his eyes away from the monolithic structure and actually get inside, but he wished he had gotten in sooner. Far bigger on the inside, the Library had more than lived up to its name. With towering bookshelves filled to the brim with tomes and scrolls and countless hands to tend to them, the Library looked like it came straight out of a fantasy novel.

Despite thousands of years in the future, it seemed that there was still a place for works made from ink and paper. Herded along and given no time to admire the sight, Kermit found himself staring at a massive array of crystals which burnt with an intensity that almost reminded him of the Aeldari. He wondered how crystals such as these have such light.

Just as he was about to reach for one to inspect them, Cegorach shouted, "Smile~". Turning to their voice, he found him sitting atop the array before a blinding wave of light slammed against his senses. Oh right, he was taking a photo for his pass.

Blinking away the spots in his eyes, he soon found himself staring at the bewildered image of a frog along with the stylized runes that were the Aeldari script engraved upon a card fit for his size. "Here you go, Your personal library card and the key to the library," The god groaned as they struggled to lift the comparatively massive card before handing it to him.

While he knew he couldn't read it, starting into the text, Kermit found himself understanding what it meant. It was his name, his address, his species, heck, even his current address in Commaragh was imprinted on the card. It was as if someone took a snapshot of his life and printed it on a card, though the age seemed to fluctuate between two numbers.

"Keep it close alright~?" The man told him as he wiped the sweat off his forehead, "It'd be a pain if someone else gets that, though it would be quite comical of them to try and carry something your size," He mused, making Kermit chuckle. It would be quite funny having someone claim to be him using this card.

Still, despite how fast and convenient the process was, he still had some questions. "How did you get my name and age?" He asked. It's not that he was complaining, far from it as he wished this was how things were all the time for creating identification, but it filled up information which no one but hmm should have knowledge too.

Looking back at him, the god smiled widely. "Warp Fuckery," he replied, chuckling at his own jokes. Wiping a tear from his eyes, the man cleared his throat before he started to explain, "But if you really must know, the Infinity Circuit of the Library gets a read on your psychic signature and imprints the information on a blank Blackstone Slate." From non answer to an answer that was far too technical, Kermit was left confused.

"Think of the Infinity Circuit as a very advanced computer made of souls," Isha tried to explain to him, making her words as simple as possible. "While not all Infinity Circuits can do this, the one inside the Black Library can take a scan of your psychic aura, or your soul if you will, and attune it to a special material," She told him.

"So… a picture of your Soul?" he asked. He wasn't quite sure how they could do that, but it's definitely a neat trick.

Isha nodded before she reached for her sleeves. "Since it's attuned to your soul, so long as you touch it, it updates to your current status," She added before pulling out a card of her own, "Here, this was made millions of years ago, yet it changed as I have," She pointed out as she beckoned him over.

Indeed, true to her claims, her age was millions of years old, but the picture on hers was similar to how she looked now, if only wearing different clothes. Reaching for her cheeks, she sighed, "Age truly has done its toll on me."

"Don't be so hard on yourself Isha," He told the goddess, patting her gently on the back with a finger. "I'm sure a goddess half your age would kill to remain as radiant and beautiful as you are right now!" He assured her. If Isha thought herself diminished, all women might as well consider them old and withered. She was the most beautiful woman he'd seen so far!

"Oh stop it with the flattery" The goddess chuckled as she batted his hand playfully. "You're making me blush!" She tittered as she looked away, her cheeks now all rosy.

"Is it really flattery if I'm just telling the truth?" He fired back. If there was one thing his mother didn't raise him as, that would be a liar. If he sees a beautiful girl, he is going to tell her she is beautiful! Every woman deserves such praise, one way or another.

Their moment together would have been pure if not for a certain presence grinning from ear to ear. "Isha and Kermit sitting on a bench," The god teased, kicking his legs as he looked down on them from his perch up high. "K. I. S. S.-!" His perch however wouldn't save him as the ground beneath Isha shattered before the god was sent flying.

Dusting her hands, Isha jumped back down as a loud crash echoed inside the library. Wincing in sympathy, he asked, "Is he going to be alright?" He didn't like the god, but that doesn't mean he wanted the god dead!

"Oh believe me, I wish I could do something that'd actually stick," Isha replied as a fond and rueful smile slowly stretched across her lips. "But that clown has a habit of slipping away at the last moment," She assured him. "If he was so easy to hit, then the bitch would have eaten him!" She added.

"And wouldn't that be a tragedy," Cegorach suddenly popped up, making Kermit reach for his heart as it threatened to leap off his chest. "To be struck down before I even make the last joke!" He lamented as Kermit growled at him.

"Damn it!" He cursed the clown. "Can you not do that!" He shouted before pointing at the stairs, "If you're just going to teleport around, what's even the use of those!"

"For chumps who can't copy my style!" Cegorach chuckled before shaking his head. Dusting his colorful cloak, he then said, "Well, that's enough tomfoolery for now." Clapping his heads and reappearing elsewhere, he calls out, "We still have a library to explore after all and time is rather quite the precious resource!"

Getting up, he followed closely. Despite his size, he felt normal inside the Library. It was as if the place was built just for him in mind. Perhaps this was used by those like him, the Old Ones. He can't really call them his ancestors after all. He was just forced into this body.

"Now before we enter the main library, you must follow these three rules," Cegorach told him as he turned around and raised three fingers. Walking backwards, he explained, "There's tons of other rules, but these ones are the most important."

He nodded back, lending him his ears. With all eyes on him, the man started, "Rule number one. Always return the books you borrowed!" Pointing at a shifty looking Eldari tossing a large tome up a giant bin, he told him, "There will be return bins across the library to make it easier on everyone and believe me, it'd be quite the daunting task to return one all on your own."

Given the size, it might prove even impossible in his opinion. What if he got something from the top and the reading area was down here? It was going to take ages especially if they were big like him and the Gods.

"Now for Rule Number Two, respect the other patrons inside the building," The man insisted before grinning, "But nothing so dull as keeping quiet! Scream, shout, or even dance if you want!" The man shouted as he pointed at a trope of clowns much like Cegorach enacting a play, one where an Aeldari wearing a snake onesies mock fought one in green over all. Wait… were they reenacting the battle of Commorragh?

"Feel free to socialize, make merry or even perform theater, but don't start an actual fight," The God explained, forcing him to tear his eyes away from the absurd sight. "Just because we have near infinite corridors doesn't mean that repairs are going to be hard for those who maintain the building," The man pouted and Kermit looked away.

"Those rules seem reasonable so far," He coughed, doing his best to avoid any talks about repairs. "I assume the third rule is not to invite anyone without a library card?" He asked, shifting the topic at hand. It was probably why he couldn't bring his friends with him.

The man blinked at him in confusion before he replied, "Oh feel free to invite anyone." As he frowned back, Cegorach pointed at the Crystalline Array behind them. "The Infinity Circuit will sort out those with nefarious intentions and is it always amusing watching what punishment it doles out to those that break the rules."

"Wait, then why did Isha say that Red and Lillith couldn't come over?" He asked as he looked Cegorach before back to the goddess who whistled innocently. She must have good reasons right? Lilith was still a bit of a bitch, but she means well!... most of the time at least… Kermit wasn't sure to be honest, but it must be more than twenty percent of the time.

Cegorach frowned as he stroked his chin. "I believe a certain someone wanted to spend time-ghk!" They tried to speak up only for them to choke as strong feminine hands grabbed them by the neck. Clawing at the fingers clamping down around their throat, he glanced back at Kermit, begging for help.

Seeing the fury behind Isha's smile, he decided to bravely back away. Nope, you're on your own little buddy. This frog does not want to catch those hands! "Now, now Cegorach, you know Kermit can't afford to have any distraction," The woman insisted as she squeezed harder, making Cegorach let out a sound similar to that of a dying tea kettle.

"Maybe after he learns some of the basics, but not before that, alright~?" Isha sweetly asked as Cegorach grinned back at her despite the concerning sounds coming from his neck.

"You just want to spend tim-!" He choked as Isha quickly reminded him that she still had him on a chokehold. Tapping out, he begged for mercy, "Ok! Ok!" The man was clearly struggling just to speak those words. Just as Kermit thought he had to step in, Isha finally let go.

Gasping, Cegorach plopped down on the ground. "Oh sweet mercy," He drooled before he started to physically melt. Kermit merely stared at the puddle and strangely, he felt fine. Was it bad that he's starting to not question the strangeness that kept happening around him?

Reaching down, Isha pulled him up, reforming him into one whole as she held him by the scruff of his neck. "Now, you're going to talk about the third rule. Right, Cegorach?" She asked as she lightly tapped the unconscious clown on the checks.

Jolting awake, the god nodded hastily before crossing his heart. As Isha dropped him, he landed on his feet, straightening his colorful ensemble, before clearing his throat. "Now where was I?" He asked before he snapped his finger. "Right!" He shouted as he turned to him.

"My final rule is simple my dear froggy friend," The god told him before he appeared before him. Grabbing him by his cheeks, he warned him, "Don't, and I mean DON'T, look my Solitaires in the eyes." Kermit tilted his head as he looked around. His Solitaires? Did he mean those Eldari that were wearing clown makeup?

"Why shouldn't I stare them in the eyes…" Kermit trailed off as his eyes met the empty sockets of one of those smiling masks. He saw deep inside those maddened gaze, their cold, unblinking eyes that had stared into the abyss and Kermit screamed as the Solitaire suddenly bolted straight for him, knife in hand.

Just as Isha was about to grab the tiny being, Cegorach snapped his fingers as a portal appeared just inches away from Kermits face, swallowing the maddened clown and throwing them somewhere else.

"Hmmmmm?" Cegorach hummed as he stared pointedly at Kermit, pursing his lips while he smiled at him. "What did I just say?~" He asked as Kermit's thoughts finally caught up to what he just saw.

"What the fuck was that!" He screamed, pointing at the Solitaires doing their play, but making sure not to stare them in the eyes. He thought he saw it all, but the galaxy kept throwing things at him that surprised him. He probably would have survived it, but he can still get scared damn it!

"My pride and joy, my lovely Solitaires," Cegorach chuckled darkly as he avoided Isha's hands. "They're the best actors a troupe master like myself could ask for, but they're a teensy tiny bit quite high strung," he told him.

"I think that's quite the understatement given how that one nearly bit my eye…" Kermit fired back, still feeling his heart racing. For beings so small, why the hell did they terrify him? Was it the clown ensemble, or perhaps it was the unhinged madness he saw in their eyes.

"I did warn you~" The man teased him as he slipped his hands in his pockets before jauntily skipping away. "Now, how about Isha show you around while I prepare your reading materials, hmm?" He asked, pausing in his step as he looked back at him.

A breather sounds like a great idea right now for Kermit. Nodding back, the man laughed, before he disappeared into the dimly lit corridors of the library.

-x-x-x-

Despite the scare, Kermit was still more than willing to explore the Library. It was still a magical library despite the magic even if said magic had a different coat of paint. That would prove to be a daunting task however due to its sheer size.

He knew the library was big, but he didn't expect it to stretch on forever. Taking a seat on one of the many benches, Kermit asked Isha, "What is this place?" Yes, it was a library, but no library should be this big right? "This place is huge and that's coming from me!" There can only be so many, right?

Sitting down beside him and massaging her own aching legs, Isha chuckled. "It really is, isn't it?" She replied before she gazed up the never ending set of stairs and the all encompassing darkness above them, "But it has to be for what this place is meant for," She told him as she plopped down on the seat.

"This is where all the knowledge in the galaxy is stored and kept," Isha told him as she reached up, watching a coffin containing more of this tome flew up to return to their resting place. It was a strange choice to use coffins as a way to store these books, but he had seen strange choices in decorations especially in Commorragh.

"My children's history, their crafts, the sciences and mysteries passed down from the very first Eldari," She whispered before she turned to him, "And the ones your people taught to mine, all of it is written here, untouched and tainted by the fall." Smiling, she asked, "Did you know that this is Cegorach's pride and joy, the place which he calls his own?"

"Wait, just him and those who follow him?" He asked, surprised by that revelation. No wonder he hadn't seen another god around.

"That's right," Isha replied as she looked back up, "This is where he keeps his plays and all he deems precious. Knowledge is quite a precious commodity you know." Getting up, she hopped off the bench before reaching for one of the nearby shelves.

"The library also served as a repository for knowledge from other races," She told him as she pulled out a copy of a book he recognized, Harry Potter. "Copies of their great works, those deemed by the Scribes or even Cegorach himself to be worth collecting, are stored within its shelves for posterity and as well as a way to appreciate what they've made."

"Is that the Sorcerer's Stone?" He asked, mystified by the book's ancient appearance. He was old by modern day standards, but he wasn't that ancient! It's not his fault that Harry Potter was one of his childhood books.

"Yes," Isha replied with an amused chuckle, "Cegorach has quite the extensive collection. He even has some of the books made by the Old Ones," She told her before pointing at a silver star above. Peering closer, he realized it was a silver box suspended amongst the various bookshelves. "Though those are locked inside Cegorach's vault as they're quite rare," She added.

"I bet," Kermit replied as he peered into one of the shelves, wondering if he could find a familiar work. "He must really like books if he owns this place," he told her as he found a Christmas Carol just sitting there as well. It seems that he might have misjudged the man.

"Own is such a strong word," Cegorach's voice rang out beside him, making him bump his head as he jolted in surprise. As he rubbed his head, Cegorach explained, "I merely catalog and curate the library as a keepsake not only for my people but for my creators."

"Damn it!" He hissed, nursing the bump he sported. "What did I tell you about teleportation!?" He asked, annoyed at the man's insistence to suddenly appear whenever and wherever he pleased. He hated these types of jumpscares!

"Oh I'm sure you'd sing a different tune once you learn how to do that," Cegorach fired back as the ground shifted beneath them. Shelves moved aside as chairs slid over in place, setting themselves before the bench that Kermit sat on.

"Wait, I can do that?" He asked, impressed by the show of power. Jaghatai had told him that he had the power to do so, and his fist had proven itself in battle, but getting to do magic was still beyond him. It was just so cool to look at. He wanted in on the action!

"That and so much more," the laughing god told him as a giant book suddenly dropped on the table, one with the stylized frog etched on his surface. Staring at the giant book before him, he wondered just how ancient it was. He hadn't seen something so old. It's as if merely touching it would cause it to fall apart. "You are an Old One after all, master of the Sea of Soul," he said as he flipped through the dusty page.

"Teleportation would be a mere parlor trick once you learned everything that can be learnt from this library!" Cegorach grinned as he turned the book over to him, letting him see the shifting words written across its pages.

"How long is it going to take? A year? A decade?" He asked. He had a feeling that it was going to take him ages, but he was ready! He had already done college once, so why not another set of studies. He had time since it looked like he wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

"Try an eternity," Cegorach answered as he grinned at him. Pouting, Kermit slumped on the table while Isha stroked his head. He expected to study, but not a lifetime of it! Was he going to be stuck here, when he could be helping rebuild a city?

"Mastery of the Warp takes a countless lifetime, Kermit. It's not one you can just rush head on and expect to master within such a short time" Isha told him.

"I never told you I'd be easy," Cegorach chuckled before he added, "Thankfully, you don't need to learn everything. You just need to learn enough to be good at it." Perking up, Kermit felt a bit of hope. Maybe there is hope for him.

"For your first lesson, we'll show you the basics and the source of all your mighty power," Cegorach told him as a black board rolled in behind him, before a team of Solitaire scurried away. Leaning close, he then asked, "Now, what can you tell me about the Warp?"