Xander and the Remote Part 8 (Patreon)

Genie absently scratched behind Willow’s cat ears as she watched the last bit of the Goonies movie. “If we’re going to Dresden’s world, we should probably do something about the aura of dark magic growing up on the Hellmouth left on you and Willow.”

“Any suggestions?” Xander asked as he pushed the pause button, stopping the movie at the scene with the pirate ship just about to sail out to sea. He turned to look at Willow who was sitting in a rather comfortable recliner playing with her fluffy red tail. “How long are you going to play with your tail?”

“Until I get used to it,” Willow replied, a bit amused by Genie’s insistence on having her take the cat girl ring for a spin. “Plus having bigger breasts is amusing though I’m not sure I’d want to fight with them.”

“I don’t know, I could watch that all day,” Xander teased.

“You have a naked genie in your lap and you’re still flirting.”

“Your point?” he asked cheerfully, leaning down to give Jeannie a kiss as she nuzzled into his arms happily.

“I guess I don’t have one,” Willow admitted.

Genie reached down and poked each of Willow’s nipples lightly. “You have two points if we don’t count your ears and those are some good points.”

“Yes, very nice points,” Jeannie spoke up.

“Do we have any animes with magical pools of cleansing in our collection?” Xander asked.

“Nothing that is going to remove the stench of hell,” Genie replied as she started giving Willow a shoulder massage.

“What about Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade?” Willow asked thinking about the Holy Grail, if the Grail couldn’t cleanse them, they were probably stuck with it.

Xander grinned. “Good call, the water from the Holy Grail should be able to cleanse our auras.”

“That would do it,” Genie readily agreed.

“We should probably get dressed first,” Willow pointed out.

“No point for the Goonies, but the knight guy would probably appreciate it,” Xander said thoughtfully.

“I don’t know, he’s been trapped in a tomb for centuries, he might like a show,” Genie teased.

“Considering his vow of celibacy, that’s just cruel.”

“They what?” Genie asked in disbelief. “Why would you do that?”

“Beats me,” Xander said as he ran his fingers down Jeannie’s spine.

Willow shook her head. “If it wasn’t a sacrifice it wouldn’t be worth anything or at least that’s how the rabbi explained things while shaking his head in exasperation at his Catholic colleagues.”

“Okay, as much as I hate to say it, you’re going to have to get off my lap if we want to be productive,” Xander said, not sure the gold they were going to liberate was actually worth it.

“You realize I could just nod and create treasure, right Master?” Jeannie asked as she twisted around so that she was sitting on his lap rather than sprawled over it.

“Yeah, but then we couldn’t loot a pirate ship,” Xander said cheerfully. 

“That is a very good point,” Willow agreed.

Jeannie giggled as she stood up. “He has a very good point, it was digging into my side.”

Genie snickered as she checked at her master’s package. ‘Yep, best master ever.’

“Shouldn’t take more than ten minutes to loot everything,” Xander said as he stood up and pushed the button, dragging the group into the television.

Willow spent the first ten seconds looking around at all of the gold and jewels then turned to look at Genie. “We’ve got room for the entire table.”

“And the chairs,” Xander reminded her.

“Yes or no on the pirate skeleton?” Genie asked as she teleported the table to the pocket dimension.

“Yeah, bring him along,” he agreed after a moment’s thought.

Genie gestured and teleported all of the chairs into the pocket dimension. “Do you want me to grab the rest of the chests or do you want to sort through things?”

Willow opened up a chest and saw rows of hand crafted silverware made of solid silver alongside porcelain place settings wrapped in velvet. “Everything,” she said instantly. “The historic value alone…”

“Okay, everything it is,” Genie agreed as she snapped her fingers and the light changed to a soft purple.  

“Was that supposed to do anything?” Xander asked, curious about the light change.

“We’re inside her bottle in a bottle,” Jeanie spoke up.

“You stole the whole ship?” Willow asked in surprise before turning to Xander. “She’s definitely your type of genie.”

“Enthusiastic?” Genie asked as she pulled Willow into a hug from behind. “I can live with that.”

“So how do I become Xander’s type of genie?” Jeannie asked a little uncertain what she was doing wrong.

“I just meant that Genie was a little too enthusiastic at times, everyone is different,” Willow said not sure how to reassure the emotionally damaged genie.

Xander smiled as he pulled Jeannie up against him. “We picked you for you, not your magic,” he reassured her, which left her a little confused but smiling. “Speaking of enthusiastic, let’s go celebrate then we can get dressed and hit Indiana Jones and get our auras dealt with.”

“Does that mean I get to play with a cat girl while you show Jeannie a good time?” Genie asked hopefully as she teleported them back to the pocket dimension.

Xander grinned as he smiled at Genie. “I’m not going to object if she doesn’t.”

“Meow,” Willow teased as she brushed Genie’s leg with her tail. 

0o0o0

The four appeared in a rough hewn cave, chiseled from desert stone millenia past. An older man, dressed in the armor of a Knight Templar, sat on a stone ledge, the only creature comfort visible in the sun that poured down through cracks in the stone far above them and a few wooden torches that burned near head height. A pair of stone shelves covered in an absolute fortune in gold and silver, jewel encrusted goblets and platters, glittered in the torchlight as if on display.

Genie frowned as she glanced over the various golden chalices sitting ‘innocently’ on the stone shelves. “Huh, not a one of them is technically cursed and they’re all bloody useless.”

“You just have to choose the right one,” the knight said as he opened his eyes, looking at the group.

“I think that depends on what you’re looking for,” Genie replied as she glanced around the room. “If you’re looking for a quick painful death, nearly any one of them will do.”

“Which one do we pick?” Jeannie asked. 

“The one that looks like a carpenter would use it,” Xander replied. “The son of God was not one for… gold and gems.” He started looking through the cups on one side while Willow started at the opposite end.

Willow wasn’t sure he actually existed in her world, but was fairly sure he existed in the world they were currently in, so she kept her mouth shut as she picked up the simple metal cup that was well worn and slightly tarnished from age. “Pretty sure it’s this one.”

“Pretty sure?” Genie asked, not able to tell the difference between the challices.

“It’s just like Xander said, the cup of a carpenter, not a king,” she explained. 

“I did not expect anyone to arrive at this time, nor in such numbers,” the knight noted curiously, seemingly unconcerned by their actions. “I take it you are not here to relieve me of my duty?”

“No, though that time is fast coming,” Xander assured him. “We are simply here to ask for a blessing from the chalice, if it’s not too much trouble.”

The knight smiled. “Are you of the faithful?”

“Kinda,” Xander admitted. “The church has changed a lot since your day. We are simply travelers who fight the things that prey on man and seek to do good in the world.”

“Hmmm,” the knight said as he considered them. “I’m not sure how simple you all are, but I do sense good in you, most of you,” he allowed. “I will grant the blessing.”  

Willow walked over to the fountain and filled the cup then walked over to the knight. “I was planning on pouring it over us but if you have a better idea?”

The knight dipped two fingers in the water said a few words in what was probably archaic Latin and touched Willow’s forehead. “Go with God.”

Genie watched curiously as the Hellmouth taint woven throughout her aura was washed away by the simple blessing. She knew there were things that faith did better than actual magic but watching the process… made it look simple even though she knew it wasn’t, it was miraculous. 

Willow stepped back and Xander stepped forward. “Your turn.”

Xander knelt down to help the knight. “Thank you.”

“You’re quite welcome,” the knight assured him. Once more he said a few words, anointed Xander’s forehead and said, “Go with God.” The knight turned towards the two djinn. “And yourselves?”

“We are alright, thanks,” Genie said quickly, grabbing Jeannie’s hand. 

The knight chuckled. “God will always be here when you are ready, now if you’ll excuse me, I believe the one who I have been waiting for approaches.”

“Sounds good,” Xander replied then pushed the button returning them to the pocket dimension. “OK, I’m a little freaked out for some reason, anyone else?”

“Eh, different worlds, different rules but yeah, that was major holy mojo,” Genie said. “It’s always a bit scary when a major power looks at you. The root of awe is fear after all.”

“And... “ Willow shook her head. “How are our auras now?”

“Clean as the driven snow,” Genie said seriously. “Pretty sure you’d fry any vamp within ten feet or so right now. Thankfully that’ll wear off as the day goes on… or not as we are kinda in a timeless place right now.”

“I suddenly feel a strange fondness for Angel and sympathy for everything he’s gone through,” Xander said. “I should go give him a hug.”

“Bad Xander,” Willow said smacking him on the butt.

“Aren’t you supposed to hit me on the arm?” Xander asked with amusement.

“I’m your girlfriend, I have touching rights for that heiney and by jove I’m going to use them!” she said teasingly.

“Fair enough. We should probably pack up a care package for Dresden and go see about hiring him for some magic lessons.”

Genie snapped her fingers and teleported one of the chests filled with gold coins out of the bottle. “This should be enough.”

Willow blinked. “How much do you think lessons cost?”

“Be sure there are some gems and jeweled thingamabobs in there,” Xander said. “I know I’d be disappointed if I got a chest filled with pirate treasure and all it was, was coins.”

“Don’t worry, I put the flashy stuff in there and one of the pistols,” Genie assured him. She turned to look at Willow. “Magic lessons are expensive, he’s a decent guy and could use the help, and it’s not like this really cost us anything other than a little time.”

“Point,” Willow admitted. “I’m still trying to get used to the fact that we can just step into a world and step out with all their stuff.”

“Yep, Xander is awesome,” Genie replied smugly, happy that she had a fantastic master.

Xander smiled as he walked over and grabbed the DVD of Turn Coat. “Okay, we should be able to jump in after the opening credits.”

“Do we need to change the plot?” Willow asked.

Genie shrugged. “Things work out for the most part other than Morgan dying and we can simply pop in and change that later.

“Works for me,” Xander agreed as he started the movie. “Anything else we need before we jump into the story?”

Willow quickly ran through her mental list as she walked over and grabbed the bag with the orbs and glove. “We should be good, anything else we can buy or jump out and grab.”

“I have the ring and you have the bag so we’re good,” Xander replied as he set his foot on the treasure chest and pushed the button on his remote pulling them into Dresden’s world and materializing them in front of his slightly battered metal door. He reached up and knocked on the door, sliding his remote away with his other hand.

“Let’s hope this works,” Willow said as they waited for someone to open the door.

“Just remember, don’t look the wizards in the eye, you’ll start a soulgaze,” Genie cautioned.

“Good point,” Xander whispered as he heard footsteps on the other side of the door. He smiled at the blue eyed blonde bombshell that opened the door, even in her sweatshirt and jeans she was stunning which upped his opinion of Dresden’s self control. “Is the wizard in?”

Molly raised her eyebrows. “You do realize he has an office, right?”

“If I wanted to hire him as a detective I would have stopped by his office, I want to hire him as a magic instructor.”

Genie piped up, “We have gold.”

“Pirate gold,” Xander added cheerfully.

“Pirate gold?” Morgan asked as he walked up behind Molly, wondering what crazy thing Harry was involved in this time.

“The pirate died over a century ago, it’s not like he still needed it,” Genie said.

“Unless he believed in the Egyptian religious rites,” Willow said thoughtfully. “I mean he was buried with his ship, basically.” 

“Probably not,” Xander said. “Wrong area and age to have that be likely. Anyway, is he in for a chest full of gold?”

“He’d be interested assuming it doesn’t break any of the rules,” she replied knowing that Morgan would jump on any violation of the rules despite his current issues.

“It shouldn’t, we just need some help figuring out how some magic items work,” Xander said. “They are from wildly different magic styles, hence the large amount of money. It’s a bit of a large project.”

“Why Dresden?” Morgan asked at close to the same time Molly asked, “Why Harry?”

“He’s a professional with decent morals. Besides, if he can’t or won’t take the job, he’ll probably be able to suggest someone that can help. Either way, we’ll pay him for his time and look for someone else, no harm, no foul.”

“What do you want him to look at?” Morgan asked. 

Xander shrugged. “Several magical items we picked up in our travels that we’d like to have a way to duplicate.”

“Are you Dresden?” Jeannie asked. “Why are you injured?”

Morgan focused on Jeannie. “No, I’m an associate of his. I got into a fight.”

“Would you like me to heal him?” Jeannie asked trying to be helpful.

“Only if he asks,” Xander said, not wanting her to use magic on people without their consent.

“You know how to heal?” Morgan asked warily.

“I’m a djinn, I can do most things my Master asks of me,” Jeannie said proudly.

“Master? You bound her?” Morgan demands.

Genie sighed. “She’s a genie, we found her bottle and opened it. That’s how her type of genie works, no magic required on our part.”

“Like Aladdin?” Molly asked.

“Something like that yeah,” Jeannie agreed, not overly worried about telling them as her bottle was stashed in Genie’s bottle which they weren’t getting.

“Can you be more specific?” Harry asked as he stepped around the corner, curious why someone was offering him a substantial amount of gold for a job. 

“Sure.” Genie handed Molly the bag with the gauntlet and the orbs. “Try not to drop the bag, the orbs are fragile and irreplaceable.”

Molly opened the bag and looked at the crystal orbs and creepy looking gauntlet. “Why would someone put spikes on the part you stick your arm in?”

Xander shrugged. “Because the original creators were bastards or because they wanted to remind people the price of power, take your pick.”

Willow said, “I’d be a lot happier if we can duplicate the ability to absorb and redirect lightning without getting stabbed by a bunch of spikes.”

“I wouldn’t mind a copy if we can get it working,” Harry admitted as he glanced at the chest filled with gold, gold that would go a long ways toward several projects he didn’t have the money for.

“Not a problem,” Xander assured him.

“If you have a genie, why do you need Harry’s help?” Molly asked warily.

“Because Master won’t let us help,” Jeannie complained.

“Why not?” Molly asked as she glanced between Jeannie and Xander.

Harry sighed. “Because everything has a cost, right?”

Genie shrugged. “Pretty much. I could snap my fingers and give them the knowledge to make things work but they’d miss the chance to discover new things while they’re learning.”

“Not to mention learning things is fun,” Willow piped up.

Molly hunched her shoulders slightly. “Are you saying that Jafar’s wish to be the ultimate sorcerer was a bad one?”

Genie snorted. “It was probably the least stupid wish he made.”

“So you wouldn’t have turned yourself into a genie?” Molly asked.

“I might have, but then I like being a genie. It was certainly the wrong move for him.”

“If you weren’t a genie and you found Genie’s lamp from the movie, what would you do with it?” Morgan asked, a bit curious about her character.

“If I found it?” Genie asked amused. “The first thing I’d do after squealing and doing a happy dance would be talking things over with the guy. At which point, I’d tell him I could set him free in a couple weeks at most.”

“Why so long?” Molly asked.

“Because my first wish would be for magic much like Jafar. Next wish would be for the ability to free genies. After that, I find a girl on the streets and I’d offer her a better life. Depending on the time period, being a magical servant is a pretty damned nice upgrade, you’re immune to disease and don’t need to eat so you’ll never get hungry.”

“You’re also a magical slave,” Morgan said.

“That depends on the type of genie and the master. Stories of monkey paw wishes exist for a reason. But we’re getting a bit far from the topic at hand, are you willing to take a look at the items, maybe ask around and help us figure out the best way to recreate some useful magical items?”

“I’ll certainly take a look at them. Do you need an invitation?” Harry asked.

Genie shrugged. “Technically no, but it’s polite and would keep it from feeling like ants are crawling over my skin.”

“In that case, as long as you mean no harm you have permission to come in until dawn or I revoke the invitation.” Harry took a step back so Molly and Morgan could move out of the way.

“Thank you,” Genie said as the other two magic users stepped out of the way. She walked in and glanced around at Harry’s apartment. “I could probably make some magic light bulbs if you get tired of the candles.”

“I prefer to limit myself to things I can create and repair myself,” Harry explained.

“What about a magic hot water heater?” Molly asked as the group walked into the living room.

“Whose side are you on?” Harry asked as he watched the treasure chest walk into the living room. “Okay, now that’s just showing off.”

Genie snickered. “I try.”

“I don’t like cold showers and since I keep exploding things in the lab I end up taking a lot of them,” Molly complained then jumped slightly as she saw the treasure chest.

“Just consider it an incentive to make less mistakes,” Morgan suggested. “I recall my master setting up his potions lab next to a frozen lake for just that reason.” He smiled fondly at the memory.

“I’m suddenly glad we’re not taking lessons from Morgan’s teacher,” Willow muttered.

Xander shrugged. “So, anyway. Magic items and how they work for a pirate chest full of gold?”

Harry opened the chest and the three wizards stared in surprise, Molly reaching in to push aside some gold to see how deep it was.

“All this for lessons?” Harry asked a bit suspicious. 

“Money is not our problem,” Xander said. “Djinn would solve that problem if it was one.”

Jeannie nodded.

“Point,” Harry agreed, realizing that there was little he knew that a genie couldn’t discover easily and he doubted any of his various enemies had the patience and resources to call up a pair of djinn. “Just a normal bout of paranoia.”

“It’s not paranoia when there are people out to get you,” Xander said.

“Don’t tell him that,” Molly complained. “It’s hard enough to get him to relax.”

“Well actually,” Morgan said looking a little pained, “there is some truth to that. Dresden, I need your help.”

Harry frowned as something brushed against the edges of his wards, something inhuman. “Expecting anyone?”

“Nope,” Xander replied. “The gang’s all here.”

“I’m being hunted and I need your help… to clear my name,” Morgan forced out with a visible wince.

Harry just stared at him for a second as something stronger started poking at the edges of his sensor wards, bound to the trees in the neighborhood. “I’m not sure how much time we have to discuss this as something worryingly strong is trying to push it’s way past the boundaries outside.”

Jeannie glanced at Xander. “May I help, Master?” she asked hopefully.

“Sure,” Xander replied then blinked as they found themselves back in the dimensional pocket.

Morgan twitched as he looked around the unfamiliar room. “Where are we?”

“Pocket dimension,” Xander replied. “Time doesn’t move in here or at least the rest of the world is frozen while we’re here. We can use the time to come up with a decent plan.”

“Did I do good, Master?” Jeannie asked, seeking approval.

“You did fine,” Xander assured her, giving her a hug.

“Most Djinn are rather standoffish, from what I know of them,” Morgan said curiously.

Willow fell on the bed laughing. 

“Where is the fun in that?” Genie asked with amusement as she paused the movie.

Molly winced as the television froze then blinked. “How do you have electronics that haven’t fried yet?

“We’re genies, not mortals,” Genie pointed out. “We are usually pretty careful about that sort of thing.”

Harry glanced over at the wooden table filled with gold coins and jewelry. “Do you have somewhere we can work?”

Xander gestured toward the scattered tables. “Pick an empty table.”

“What’s the price of your healing?” Morgan asked as Harry walked over to one of the empty tables. If things were different, he wouldn’t have accepted the genie’s help but he had a feeling he was going to need to be in fighting shape if he wanted to make it out alive and clear his name.

Jeannie blinked and fixed Morgan’s injuries. “Tell my Master I did a good job?”

Morgan shivered slightly as his injuries vanished, leaving him feeling refreshed. “Thank you and you did a good job.”

Molly looked at the collection of DVDs on the shelf. “Do you mind if I look through your DVD collection?”

“Knock yourself out, I can always fix the machine if it explodes,” Genie assured the witch as she walked over to chat with the girl.

Xander walked over to the table where Harry was setting up. “This is going to take a while isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Harry said, wishing he had Bob’s expertise on hand.

“Where did you find this place?” Morgan asked warily.

“About three realities to the left,” Xander said absently as he watched Harry take the gauntlet out of the bag and set it on the table.

“Is that code for you’re not going to tell me?” Morgan asked a touch frustrated with the lack of real answers.

“No quite literally, three realities to the side. I’m exceptionally good at acquiring things that may or may not exist in places that may or may not exist and probably do exist afterwards.”

“That sentence made less sense than you think it does,” Morgan noted.

“But was completely true,” Xander said cheerfully.

“Tell Master I did a good job healing you,” Jeannie reminded him as she walked over to stand next to Xander.

Morgan turned to look at Xander. “She did a good job healing me.”

“So noted,” Xander said as he turned and gave Jeannie a hug, wanting to reassure her that she was doing good. “Thank you, Jeannie.”

“You’re welcome,” Jeannie as she hugged him back.