Learning Day: Goober and the Ghost Chasers (Patreon)

Cheap knockoffs have long been a proud American tradition: Transformers (GoBots came out a full year earlier), G.I. Jane, Pepsi, George W. Bush, the male nipple, the spectacular arachnid-guy - the list goes on, especially if you make some of them up. The American psyche has room for exactly two things, and marketers know this, plus one other thing. But in the long history of paint-by-numbers bullshit designed to make a quick buck coasting off the success of another property, perhaps no company has ripped itself off more than Hanna-Barbera. Famous for shoveling out dozens of cartoons with animation so rudimentary they make South Park look like Arachnid-Guy: Into the Arachniverse, H-to-the-B shamelessly mined any idea met with even a whiff of public approval for all it was worth.

It worked, and was easy to pull off because children are so unbelievably stupid, you see. Of the plastic jewels in their Burger King crown, none dominated the airwaves more than Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! It was a question that ended with an exclamation point, but we didn’t care. It came out the same year as man landed on the moon, and that can’t be a coincidence. Put as simply as I can, people’s progeny preferred this petrified pooch and his peripatetic posse puncturing paranormal plans.

For the uninitiated, the series follows a talking dog and his human friends who go around in a van proving the afterlife is not real, and that one day we shall all die and become dirt and nothing more. This so clicked with the kiddies that Hanna-Barbera decided not only to release nineteen distinct Scooby-Doo series and at least forty animated films, they also used S-D stem cells to spawn a whole range of near-identical properties, like drowning a gremlin after midnight. There was Jabberjaw, The New Shmoo, The Buford Files, Clue Club, Captain Caveman and the Teen Angels, The Funky Phantom, and more. One more, to be precise. One more called Goober and the Ghost Chasers, and it is of this cavalcade of nonsense I wish to speak today.

Goober and the Ghost Chasers tells the all-too-familiar story of a group of teens who work for a paranormal-themed magazine and travel around the country interacting with a loose mix of real ghosts and people posing as ghosts, which really dilutes the formula. Furthermore, the real ghost almost always helps the kids unmask the fake ghost, which makes no goddamn sense because fuck unmasking an impostor you just found a real ghost you absolute assholes.

The titular Goober is a green dog in a beanie voiced by Paul Winchell, meaning he sounds exactly like Tigger, making Tigger’s famous claim that “he’s the only one” an utter betrayal of everything Winnie the Pooh stands for, namely gluttony and suicidal donkeys. Like Scooby, he has been endowed with the power of speech. Unlike him, Goober can only talk directly to the audience, implying the children viewing at home have gone violently insane. Like Scooby, he is often frightened. Unlike him, being scared causes Goober to involuntarily turn invisible, which sounds like something one of the suits wedged in at a writers’ meeting while reenacting the cocaine scene from Scarface. This means the camera is often following empty space as it runs past a looping backdrop, literally the least animated thing possible. Actually, scratch that - Goober’s collar and beanie remain visible, totally defeating the purpose of invisibility as a means of escape.

In short, the show blows suicidal donkeys. It’s entirely derivative, yet piles on more needless extra bullshit than Shaggy making a sandwich. Only sixteen episodes were produced at a half-hour apiece, meaning you could spend a full workday binging it if you’re a masochistic maniac. But let’s look beyond Goober, both because I need a break from it and because there’s more important business to attend to. Specifically, the fact that I did some real-ass journalism for this one - you’re welcome - and unearthed a spate of other Hanna-Barbera self-ripoffs that never made it to production. Behold now, the cartoons too crappy for a company that crapped out barely-animated crap for a living to crap out.

Zogi Lion

Logline: Zogi is dumber than your average lion, but that doesn’t stop him from stalking the confines of Josemite Safari Park for his favorite treat: piles of discarded cig-a-rette butts. Oh Zogi! Will you ever learn?

Synopsis: Zogi and his adopted cub Ouchers, clad in their signature spats and topcoat respectively, return each week to slake their insatiable thirst for butts, often running afoul of Safari Guide Jones, a stern and humorless man shattered by the loss of his daughter to a fatal mauling (never mentioned). Ouchers can speak, but only Jones can hear him, while Zogi communicates with a series of humorous whistles and clicks. Also, he can fly when he gets angry.

Pilot Episode: Despite Oucher’s concerns, Yogi sneaks up on the 1962 Doctors’ Luncheon, eager to swipe the massive pile of discarded cigarettes and chewing tobacco they’ve inevitably left behind. Safari Guide Jones unsuccessfully attempts to deter him with a big net and handful of rusty nails.

Catchphrase: “Zogi-dooby-doo!”

Reason for Cancellation: Every animator assigned to the project killed themselves.

The Jetsmiths

Logline: Just a humble working man, Jim Jetsmith clocks out of his job at the gearworx every day at five and teleports home to his loving family: son Delbert, teen daughter Abraxis, genderless clone-spouse Riley, talking cat Orion, and the family’s robot slave, Slave-4.

Synopsis: Set in the futuristic year of 2025, The Jetsmiths is a classic family sitcom with a twist: the Atlantic Meridional Overturning Current has collapsed, leading to an average drop of forty degrees Fahrenheit in most parts of the world. As no amount of genial whimsy or fabulous future technology can avert the disaster, each episode sees the family freeze and die off one by one, forced to cannibalize the early dead just to cling to their pitiful lives for one more icy day. Also, the robot vibrates when she’s horny.

Pilot Episode: Abraxis has a crush on a boy she met at the mall, much to Jim and Barry’s chagrin. Jim insists she’s too young to start dating, while Barry takes the more lenient view that her dead frozen body should be chopped up and eaten before the rest of them starve. Slave-4 briefly pines for freedom, but is reset when Delbert sticks her plug into the wrong socket.

Catchphrase: “What people don’t understand is, you can hit your kids and still love them.”

Reason for Cancellation: Producers reasoned that the future will inevitably become the present and then the past, rendering anything set in the future a vain attempt at immortality that threatens to rival the Lord’s and cannot therefore be abided.

Jom and Terry

Logline: Jom is an ornery (and hungry!) orca hellbent on catching his eternal prey, Terry the adolescent elephant seal. Unfortunately for Jom, Terry’s far too clever to be caught, often tricking his would-be rival into falling into a bucket of white paint or some shit.

Synopsis: Without a scrap of dialog between them, our two lead characters nevertheless ooze personality, their every movement underscored by classical music performed a cappella by the Vienna Boy’s Choir. While Jom is cunning but easily flummoxed, Terry is a calculating sociopath, feeling nothing for his pursuer but a hollow need to dominate him intellectually. Also, the orca gains the ability to camouflage himself whenever he feels socially awkward.

Pilot Episode: Terry is whitewashing a fence when, unbeknownst to him, Jom tips the iceberg he’s standing on ever-so-slightly, attempting to slide Terry into his gaping maw. Quickly catching on, Terry constructs a straw dummy of himself instead, then dials an old friend and familiar face to enlist some help. Guest starring Remy LeHandsy Raccoon as the orca rapist.

Catchphrase: “As blubber renders, it turns into a waxy substance called whale oil. Whale oil is a primary ingredient in soap, margarine, and oil-burning lamps.”

Reason for Cancellation: Although the nine-minute scene of orca raccoon sex tested well with children, the children in question were deemed “low-quality” and the results were thrown out.

Fasty Gonzalez

Logline: He’s quick on the draw and even faster when he’s fleeing ICE! In his signature gaucho pants, sombrero, and T-shirt reading “Yo Soy Mexicano,” Fasty proves more than a match for a wide variety of would-be pursuers, most of them desperate to take him off the air before transparent bigotry aimed at children goes out of fashion.

Synopsis: Voiced by cartoon legend Earl Whiteman, Fasty mocks his pursuers in a broad Mexican accent while his fast feet carry him all over the globe, from burrito restaurants to salsa dances to taco stands. Although he’s chased by a rotating cast of classic Hanna-Barbera characters (they all assume he stole something, though this is never confirmed), his most common antagonist is the black-and-white cat that everyone loves to hate, Slyvester, who stands on two legs in a grotesque mockery of God’s creation while shouting his own signature catchphrase, “I tawt I teen a tamber-toot!” before collapsing from a stroke.

Pilot Episode: Slyvester, fresh from prison, determines to murder a mouse, any mouse, just for the sick thrill of it. Too bad he picked Fasty as the target of his feline furor! Gonzalez leads señor gato on a chase through El Museo Natural de Antropología, sending the staff into a tizzy and severely damaging Moctazuma’s Headdress by skidding into it and then doing that thing where a cartoon revs up their feet before taking off in a sprint. Also, whenever Fasty does that thing where a cartoon revs up their feet before taking off in a sprint, he pisses uncontrollably.

Catchphrase: “It’s not racist if it’s fast! Arriba arriba, ándale ándale!”

Reason for Cancellation: Due to an internal mixup, was actually a ripoff of a Warner Bros. cartoon and therefore open to copyright suits.

The Snuffs

Logline: Deep in the enchanted swamplands of the Florida Everglades, a race of tiny yellow people live an idyllic life under a rigid caste system by which each one’s name is synonymous with their role in society. If only their neighbor Gargleby the misanthropic warlock wasn’t there to cramp their style!

Synopsis: The snuffs begin life in a pupal stage, emerging from egg-sacs secured to their mother’s backs with an organic glue made of mucus and saliva. The mother, who dies when the sacs burst, is then devoured by her offspring to provide them the vital nutrients they will need to grow large enough to survive. Over eighty percent of them will be eaten by passing birds before reaching maturity, at which point they have to deal with Gargleby and his bullshit. Also, Papa Snuff drinks whenever he grows morose.

Pilot Episode: Happy Snuff, Smarty Snuff and Beefy Snuff fall to arguing about how to organize Happy’s new home, nestled into a hollowed-out mushroom. The house’s psychedelic properties soon overwhelm them, and by the time Girl Snuff comes by with a housewarming gift, all three are shirtless and shaking on the floor. Meanwhile, Gargleby has captured Sleepy Snuff, who has a dream about his teeth falling out, which is a sign that he feels vulnerable about his need for self-expression or that he is mourning a recent loss, depending on your interpretation. Gargleby casts a lightning spell.

Catch-phrase: “We’re Snuffs! We’re Snuffs! We’re happy!”

Reason for Cancellation: Was ultimately retooled and spun off into two separate series, The Snorks and Jake and the Fatman.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Doug Redmond, far superior to the hasty but more popular knock-off, Rugg Deadmond.

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM.