Fucking Day: 469 Sex Questions (Patreon)

Imagine you're about to engage in the act of sexual intercourse, but first, you must get through a full Barbara Walters-style sit-down interview with your dick. Your dick has to go on 60 Minutes and explain every sexual desire you've ever had. Could you maintain your desire to bang after enduring this dick grilling? Let's find out!

I don't want to answer 469 questions about anything. That would not be fun for me; in fact, it would be terrifying. There is a certain number of questions that starts to ring an alarm bell in my head, and it's far lower than 469. After about 100 questions, I'm certain the person asking me these is planning to hunt me. Even if none of the questions directly ask, "Is your flesh tender and juicy?" that's all that I'm hearing.

There is one question that should precede sex, and it's "you wanna?" In many circumstances, this could be reduced to a hand gesture, and that would be fine. No book title has ever upset me more than this one. With the idea of 469 questions already making my stomach churn, I turned to the table of contents where they've divided the questions into sections, and I found chapter titles like "Clowning Around," "Fancy Feast," "Control Of The Zone," "Wicked Hand Job," "Frigid Fun," and "Backdoor Intruder." Instead of sexy things, I'm now thinking about clowns, cat food, and Boston, all of the least sexy things. My expectations are low, so who knows? Maybe some of these sexy questions will surprise me. Let's jump right in.

How many types? This isn't a question; it's a pop quiz about nipples. Oh God, this is worse than I could have ever imagined. It's a job interview for your genitals. The questions are all weird and abstract, but it feels like there must be a right answer, and I don't know it.

I know someone out there right now is getting dumped for saying that kinky is green when their partners think it's teal, which turns out to be a major red flag for them. How does knowing what color my partner feels the word luscious is improve my life in any way? There are so many of these questions that must have been pulled from a job interview for a phone sex operator.

What a weirdly clinical question; it feels like when a doctor asks you something radical like, "Do you do drugs?" but they do not want a high five in response. While this is a question about sex, it's in no way fun. This sounds like a hint that you want your partner to do something, anything, to improve their knowledge about sex. Now, let's move onto the creative writing portion of the exam.

This is so stressful. Are you supposed to make up a story that entwines all of those elements, or do you get to pick because that's a lot of world-building for one sexual fantasy, and I personally can't cum when I'm thinking about the moral implications of time travel sex. Any sex had in the past is just begging for an I'm My Own Grandpa situation to go down, and we all know it. Also, I don't think you should let magic powers near any of your holes. A magic dildo ends in an ER visit nine times out of ten. Mystical powers and sex do not mix, no matter what A Court Of Thorns And Roses says.

I'm mad that the question specifies you have to use a made-up superhero name because this could tell you a lot about your partner. If you're dating someone whose erotic persona is something fun and whimsical like Skeletor, great, but what if you get someone who's like Superman in bed? Boring! These questions are pretty creative but still not artistic enough. Let's add arts and crafts to the test!

Bad. I would feel bad if someone asked me this question. Don't ask me how I know this, but crafting erotic puppets is time consuming. The time spent molding felt puppet balls could instead be spent doing something like, I don't know, actually having sex. This question was written by someone who wants to avoid sex so badly, they're willing to produce a play about it. It's also a good blackmail-generating device. You can never run for president after you've performed an erotic puppet show.

I can't believe the erotic puppet show came up in question 118. Some of these questions are relatively normal and repeated over and over again, like what kind of lingerie do you like? That question is asked in some form, slightly altered, about 12 times in this book.

Then there's the classic improvised sex toy question. They present you with a location, and you must assemble sex toys from only the materials available in the environment like you're the MacGyver of fucking.

These are the kinds of questions I was expecting from the book. Some of the questions I even do think are good things to ask someone you're having sex with. If you're asking 469 questions, at least one or two are accidentally going to be normal, chill questions, even if it's an accident.

Great questions, book! Good job. Of course, there are still questions that hit you out of nowhere with things that are more specific to the author's sexual preferences.

I don't think the flavor of jam is the big issue here, dear authors. You might not find a jam that makes that work. At least this question is very direct. The questions stress me out less when there's a finite amount of answers. I especially like it when they give you a list of choices to select from, like when the book tries to force you to declare a new sex holiday.

We've all done the uncomfortable math that leads to the realization most people are born nine months after Valentine's Day or one of their parent's birthdays. Those are the well-established national sex holidays. If you're dating someone and they text you "Get ready for the most erotic Easter of your life bby 🥚🍆" that will only lead to confusion, right? Speaking of confusing questions, here's one that just feels rude to me:

How much would you charge feels weirdly like you're expected to have a number at the ready. The only thing I can say for sure is that if I were going to do an erotic puppet show for money, it would have to be at least a million dollars but it would be the most erotic puppet show you've ever seen in your entire life. It would involve every flavor or jam. The puppets would be so sticky they would never recover.

The deeper I got into the book, the more I started to wonder what they could have possibly saved for the 469th questions. The book has already gone sex holiday hunting, asked you about your panty preference, filled you with appliances from every conceivable location, asked you about your panty preference, and asked you about your panty preference. How do you dismount on your 469th questions?

At the very last possible second, they unlocked a cheat code! The question is just do you want to have sex! Sure, they said it in an off putting and spider-like way, but they could have made a version of that 100 through 469, and the book would have been way more fun. By the time they made it to 469 I think most readers would be too exhausted to "melt in ecstasy." Now, what about you? Let me know in the comments: Is Jeremy a good name for underpants? What sex yogurt would you invest in? How would you stop fifteen escaped sex puppets? If you were having sex with Jackie Chan in a sporting goods store, what object would kill you? Which one brings you to climax?

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