Learning Day: The Magic of MOOOO (Patreon)

Calling all Beef Kids! Aren’t you tired of activity books with too little or sometimes NO beef? Don’t worry, your favorite publisher of children’s books, the Illinois Beef Association, is back with grand adventures starring the most mystic meat! NOT pork, who said pork? Find and exile the porker, children. That’s your first Beef Quest! So says The Magic of MOOOO and Good Things for You!

With just a little magic, you can pull a steak right out of a cow. It doesn’t even hurt them, in fact, Beef Kids already know that over time a cow becomes too full of beef, and it must be removed for their comfort. Who taught us that lesson? Why, the Beef Wizard!

Your parents explicitly warned you of young men with vacant, dilated eyes calling themselves meat magicians, and rightfully so. Too many promising lives have ended in industrial freezers. When you need to be sure a Beef Wizard is the real deal, just look for the ©2000 Communique, Inc. on every page! Communique, Inc. is proud of, and fiercely protects the IP of the Beef Wizard, and that’s why all imposters have planets and comets on their robes, instead of the proper stars and moons we have come to associate with quality beef magic.

But did you know beef is not just beef? You did? You’re already on your way to becoming an Associate Beef Wizard! Metaphorically. If you actually call yourself an Associate Beef Wizard, Communique, Inc will foreclose on your family’s farm and turn it into a Mach 1 station.

Let’s learn about all the products made possible by beef!

The Beef Wizard is secure in his wizardry, he does not need to explain why we must thank beef for crayons. But some and certainly not all crayons do contain stearic acid, a derivative of animal fat, which could in theory come from beef! Or sometimes coconuts! The Beef Wizard is always right, but sometimes we must go on a journey to justify how, and all good journeys are fraught with obstacles - sometimes it’s orcs, sometimes it’s technicalities!

Candles were often made from tallow, another derivative of animal fat! It didn’t have to be beef, but it could have been beef! All things could be beef, and should be beef! Most candles these days are made from paraffin, beeswax, or even soy - but things used to be different, and the Beef Wizard says it’s not too late to change that!

Has your dad ever asked you to come outside and toss around the ol’ pigskin? That is a trick question, Beef Kids! He should say “the ol’ cowskin,” and if he doesn’t, please write to the Illinois Beef Council. It’s not so bad when your farm is a Mach 1. Truckers often transport beef, the hero meat, and they need a place to buy Monster and a parking lot to bang whores! Both things we owe to beef! Monster and parking lots. Not whores. Heck, maybe whores!

If you made a wish to abolish all beef byproducts, which is what Joe Biden wants, you would live in a world without…

Look closely at the zaps and sparkles - the Beef Wizard needs meat magic to roll dice, but that’s something you can do at home with just these materials:

• Hands

The Beef Wizard owes you nothing! He does not and will not explain how dice are beef. It is enough to know they are beef approved, and thus their presence in your home does not need to be reported to the Illinois Beef Council.

For Advanced Beef Kids, we can explain how dice were once made from the bones of some animals, which history does not say WEREN’T cows! Dice are now made from plastic, because some children did not believe hard enough in the Beef Wizard. He needs your beef enthusiasm to power his magic and protect the world from anti-beef!

The Beef Wizard can become tiny, he can become huge, one thing he cannot become is transparent. So don’t ask the Beef Wizard why on earth toothbrushes are beef. Modern toothbrushes have plastic handles and nylon bristles. If you do your own research, which should never be tolerated, you might discover some ancient toothbrushes were made using hog hair, which is NOT a type of beef, and exactly why research is not tolerated. Perhaps the hogs were protected by guardian cows, and that’s why we owe toothbrushes to beef? If you still have questions, please stop.

In modern times, paint brush bristles are also usually nylon! But they were once made of hog hair. No beef. NO beef. Do you see, Beef Kids? Do you see how far the world slides backward, if you stop pushing for even a second? It’s…. it’s said some paint brush bristles were once made from the hair of an ox? Hey, that’s a foreign word for beef!

Lipstick isn’t- we know what’s going on here, kids! The Beef Wizard is not handling the divorce well. Did you know all the meat magic in the world can’t keep a Becky faithful? If you break a Beef Wizard’s heart, every steak in a 500 mile radius tastes like ash.

Is your mother single, about 5’4, 120 pounds, with green eyes and soft brown hair that smells like summer? Is she named, or wouldn’t mind answering to Becky? Please write the Beef Wizard! Please write the Beef Wizard!

The Beef Wizard is making things difficult for himself. He is setting up challenges he knows he will fail, which is a form of self harm that comes with plausible deniability. Sometimes it’s best not to engage with the Beef Wizard when he’s like this - he’ll keep making more ridiculous and impossible to justify claims until you call him out, at which point he will collapse into a porridge of self pity and enter a flagellating cycle. Maybe if we don’t ask how buttons are beef, he’ll pick one of the other many, many things we do actually owe to beef byproducts, and we can have fun again!

Let’s do some activities without the Beef Wizard!

Beef Kids love numbers, right! Notice the absence of a question mark. We are doing basic addition for fun. Without the Beef Wizard, things get difficult. The Illinois Beef Association wages an undying culture war and it does not leave a lot of time for interacting with their children.

We don’t know. Do you get this, kids? Have you faced enough barn tragedy to find a weary kind of humor in it?

Maybe the Beef Wizard has had enough of a break!

Before we bring him back, let’s recalibrate. Sometimes the Beef Wizard… he doesn’t lie. No Beef Wizard can lie, ask that bitch Becky – but he can couch his truths in outdated facts and technicalities. Can you see through the logical miasma of the Beef Wizard, and find the products we actually owe to beef?

If you circled the hamburger and the milk, and only the hamburger and the milk, you will not be mentally damaged by the presence of the Beef Wizard!

The Beef Wizard explained to us that without love, a Beef Wizard loses his magic. He is alone even when he’s with his friends. Did you color the loneliest Beef Wizard? Good job! Good beef!

That is wildly inappropriate, Beef Wizard.

Can you help the Beef Wizard find his way through a maze of his own failures and back to truth, back to life, back to success? Becky couldn’t. Becky could not handle that.

Let’s have fun! Let’s have beef!

The Beef Wizard has to return to Beefia to ponder his employment status. Wave goodbye, children, and thank the Beef Wizard for this wonderful, magical world of Beef!

Sarcasm is beneath you, Beef Wizard.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: M Jahi Chappell, also known as the Warlock of Whey!

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