Fucking Day: Nude Vampires (Patreon)

This isn't important, and I don't know why I'm opening with this, but "These ladies of the night are no tooth fairies!" is not a sane tagline for something called Nude Vampires.

Released in 1994 by the makers of Nude BBQ, Nude Vampires is a very loose, very gently pornographic retelling of Dracula. It's a forty minute comedy about nude vampires, but put sarcastic quotes around every one of those words. It's more like 25 minutes of footage slowed down and repeated, they're not usually naked, and they forget to be vampires for most of it. I'd better explain.

It opens with a vampire waking up in his coffin and complaining in a thick Brooklyn accent. He pants, "Aaahhff. Yep. That's right. I'm a vampaya. Ya figgered it out, huh." He has the charm and likability of a mouth doctor finding thrush. I imagine the intended audience for this would have been the teenage son of a divorced Bauhaus fan, and I can't think of more disappointing news for that poor boy than "this porno is hosted by a funny pervert."

Our vampire host chains together undead puns with the grace of a Dave Matthews Band tour bus emptying its septic tank. Imagine if the Crypt Keeper was reading a script for the first time, fucking hated himself, and owned a hot dog cart. He has the comic timing of a lost hiker's last known photo, and the movie star good looks of a lost hiker found dead after a three week manhunt. I thought he might be director/writer/producer Bob Scott, but it's actually a hired actor named Mike Malfitano. You're going to love his IMDB:

Mike doesn't work a lot, but when he does, the babes are naked and also a second thing that doesn't really go with naked. Look at those titles. Nude Prisoners, Naked Lawyers, Nude Secretaries 2… it's such an inspiring story for someone to be this untalented but also get to live out their wildest, most perfect Hollywood dream. If it feels like it's taking me a while to get to the nude vampires, yeah, that's the authentic experience of Nude Vampires.

For longer than anyone could imagine, Mike tries to explain how he came upon this cursed vampire castle. He says, and I quote, "I go to the door and ka-knock, ka-knock, ka-knock. I'm knockin' away. And opens the door, these babes. These broads. These pairs'a knockers that ya ain't seen in your life. And I say, ho boy, I hit the jackpot." I think we can all appreciate an attempt at showmanship, and it was not a "bad" idea to add a host and some context to naked vampires. But this is not world building. This is so much worse than just opening the tape with "FBI Warning: These! Dracula!! Titties!!!"

Anyway, that rambling improvised story about 'dem knockers is the end of the vampire's tale. Let's get to the nude vampire action! Let's flashback to when he was a human and… and getting bored waiting for the nude vampires to arrive.

You already assumed this, but when the nice vampire lady asks him to wait in a seat, he tells her butt, "Rather wait in THAT seat." He says it without expecting a response. This man has never met a woman who was a viable sexual option. This is a man who calls it a romantic conquest when a five gets her pepper spray on him. He is built like a 75-year-old woman learning to walk after a car accident. He has a ponytail Steven Seagal's barber would call "too wet." It's like he found his head in a can labeled "MOSTLY RAT IN HEAVY SYRUP."

More importantly than his beautiful sense of style, this man still hasn't figured out anything is wrong. Three goth women have led him into their castle dungeon, and even after a skeleton vanishes before his eyes, that classic indicator of vampire circumstances, he barely manages an "oh." And with that, our first erotic tale is over. I'm serious. The whole scene was a fully clothed woman asking a sloppy creep to wait and getting sexually harassed. End of Part 1.

Our host knows what everyone wants: more vampire puns. With the kind of timing you might see in a log flume death, he rattles them off one after another. "Just readin' my favorite section here, the comics. I mean the obituaries. Ohhhhhh, god. Makes me break out in a cold sweat. 'Course I'm dead, what other kinda sweat could I break out in? Aaah, no I ain't gotta heart. Hey, I'm only flesh and blood. My flesh, somebody else's blood." He is hate fucking these jokes like a dominatrix reading Garfield to Jim Davis.

After a deep breath, he tells a story no sane person could follow about him being on a giant bed with all these babes coming and going, going and leaving. Then it flashes back to him being shown the tiniest twin mattress.

The vampire lady explains beds to him and he comes in early with the line, "Big enou–!" She ignores him and finishes explaining beds. He ignores her and says, "Big enough for two as long as one of us stays on top. Huh?"

I don't think this line was in the script because she replies, "Ahh-haa. Ha… ha. Well. This is just for you. But. Um…. Take care." Then she just leaves. You can't fake this kind of disgust or awkwardness. This is dialog you hear shortly before someone is kicked out of a Hooters and nowhere else. He waves goodbye to her butt and blows it a kiss the way you might if you removed and ate the full human ass of your victims. It's weird, and seems to be another big win for him. He's satisfied with this interaction, like a man who counts finding a dirty swimsuit as third base.

"What a dungeon!" he shouts at the sudden mummy. "..." he shrugs at it when it vanishes.

With some difficulty, our hero picks up a Necronomicon as designed by 2nd graders and starts reading to pass the time. That's right, it's another scene where a departing, fully clothed woman tells a man to wait, human remains appear and vanish, and then we watch him wait. Why do this twice? Is this someone's fetish? Because this feels like it was made by someone whose favorite part of the strip club is finding a dead body on a toilet after a long bathroom line.

Using the storytelling and state-of-the-art visual effects we've come to expect from Nude Vampires, the woman who just left materializes.

Our host leers at her as she cringes. She starts to take off her dress, and this could get scary, but he seems to instinctively know this vampire castle goes by Florida juice bar rules. He's not touching her. Still, she is visibly uncomfortable. "I will absolutely risk arrest to get my mouth on your armpit," he says with his eyes. "I fucking know," she says with her clenched teeth, not acting.

Speaking of teeth, RaHHRR! She's a creature of the night! A vampire here to su– no, you know what? Never mind, she decides. She abandons her vampire lunge and finishes her strip tease. I don't really know what happened here, but I do know boredom gooning followed by semi-nude almost vampire attacks is not my fetish. And if it was, I don't know how I would ever find anything like this again. Whatever it is, our hero loves it and he can't resist any longer. He goes for the grope:

With all the dexterity and seduction of a baby discovering cake, our Mike snatches for a titty. She escapes in a puff of smoke, the vampire version of a rape horn. "Dang it!" pantomimes Mike. Still, five inches from an unwanted bra touch has to be closer than he thought he'd get. It's fucked up. I think it's fair to wonder if this video could conceivably be for anyone. This was five minutes of an uncomfortable woman trying to take off her underwear and getting interrupted by a lumpy sex criminal before she could figure out her bra clasp.

A second woman appears on the other side of the bed and we finally get our first horror reveal: Mike is worse at physical comedy than he is at regular comedy. "Oh, my god, I'm soooo having a seizure," he accidentally performs while going for "horny cartoon."

The new woman, in a beat-for-beat recreation of the last one, makes a low effort attempt at taking off her dress for two minutes. It's legally a strip tease, but no thought is given to sexiness. Any teacher would feel comfortable using this to show kids how a snake molts. She surprises Mike with her unexpected vampire fangs, which are the same ones the last woman had– jagged little tusks poking out of a retainer. She looks like she got toenails stuck in her teeth. She looks like she got hungry while putting together a SnapTite model and ate half a space shuttle.

She leaves the exact same way as the last vampire– using her supernatural powers to narrowly dodge a sex crime. A third woman appears with even less energy. Her only move is a slow wobble, back and forth, like B-roll for a news feature on what summer strip bars are doing to beat the heat. But what this dancer lacks in enthusiasm, she makes up for in cunning– she knows this moist takeout bag of a man is going to try to grab her, so she refuses to share a set with him. She vanishes from across the castle and they have to cut to him dive tackling nothing:

In a way, this video is adorable. It's how the 15th naughtiest Quaker in the village imagines pornography to be. There is no fourth vampire lady, so with the starting 2% of an erection, Mike goes to bed. He is pulled from his bed by a hooded executioner!

It is, by far, the most sexually charged interaction we've seen so far.

Mike is put into a cage, and with him safely behind bars, the strippers feel comfortable taking off their underwear. Unfortunately, it looks like the producers only paid for 60 seconds of full nude dancing, so this footage is slowed down and looped several times. Weirdly, "nude" also means taking her vampire teeth off, so she is never fully nude or vampire at the same time. It also means her panties keep reappearing after she pulls them off, showing and reshowing the distinct tan lines you'd expect from a vampire. And here's an erotic filmmaking tip– if viewers have started counting up the stupid little CinemaSins in your porno, you didn't make your vampires nude enough.

To his credit, Mike is the only one trying. He sticks his head through the bars and makes expressions like a bus masturbator and no second kind of face. He says, "Dahlin', I know I said you girls were to die for (he didn't), but this is like ridiculous here, okay?" She visibly winces, hating this more than anyone.

The nude vampire leaves, but I'm making it sound more theatrical than it was. Some internal clock inside her told her that was fucking enough, and she walks away in the middle of her song. I have given up trying to decode this thing. It is not for fans of real human sex. It is a thought bubble over a veal cow's head if you fed it nothing but Shannon Tweed movies.

The second girl comes back and dances for barely twenty seconds. Her footage is so stitched together it looks like she's standing still and cranking her underpants up and down. She seems more confused than me, and my notes on this part say "UNDERWEAR BACK ON FIVE TIMES HOW!? This castle carries the curse of the eternal panties!" She stops and exits as if the director called "Cut! What is sex? D-did we make a sex?"

"I think so!" panted Mike.

So look, it'd be ludicrous if this movie was good. But recycling the same 180 seconds of naked lady footage next to two thirds of a disgraced Fotomat employee should be a scandal. Did they think they would get away with this? Any viewer sincerely looking for nude vampires is going to notice when they bounce through time, retrieving their teeth and panties from different realities.

Not everything is lost, though. Our third vampire is back, and she's had a nap. She has forgotten her fangs and all but one dance move, but this milf is full of vim. She snaps a look to camera like she's heard of fucking and remembers how to do it. Mike has not, so he strains his eyeballs ogling her feet. He looks like a forgotten bonobo, bursting in the vacuum of space.

I don't know if Rotten Tomatoes scrapes our site for Nude Vampires reviews, but just in case: "Indifferent milfs do the same move and take off the same panties like they're in a Groundhog Day movie about non-vampires going to the bathroom. Seventeen stars."

I mostly like this third vampire because she doesn't seem like a professional sex worker. She's more like a widowed forklift operator learning how to party again. So I guess I'm saying the highlight of Nude Vampires is this lady doing the exact same terrible burlesque routine two women just did, only worse and shorter? That can't be right.

The executioner pulls Mike out of his cage and puts him on his knees, but he has no fluids left to excrete. He nearly grabbed three bottomless day shift dancers today. For a Mike, that's far beyond what you or I would call full intercourse. One of the vampires says, "Girls, it's dinner time."

After all this, Mike still has no idea what's going on. "Dinnah time? What the hell's dinnah time!?" The joke lands like a passenger jet in the ocean… like the dreams of a star child watching the last bonobo burst. The script calls for one of the naked women to bite Mike's neck, but as you can imagine, fucking fuck that.

None of the ladies want to put their mouth on the man who's been making slurp sounds at their buttholes all morning, so they jump cut to two holes in his neck. Don't be sad. This is the equivalent of 70 normal person climaxes for a Mike.

So that's it. I guess. The story of Dirtbag Dracula has been told. And it ends the only way it ever could– with Mike unceremoniously waving goodbye. Bye. I guess.

Congratulations to Bob Scott on another nude triumph. Bye again.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Justin Brewer, who played Scumbag Florida Frankenstein in Nude Franks.

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