Upsetting Day: 101 Signals From Pet Heaven (Patreon)

Sometimes, it's difficult for me to accept help from other people who don't have radical names. That's why I was so jazzed to come across self-help guru Jupiterion Olympus. They mainly write books on manifesting love, money, and romance, but they also sell AI-generated garbage about dead pets. Look at the cover of this book. Have you ever seen three pets more thrilled to fuck right off this mortal coil?

You can tell from the amount of effort put into the cover that this book will be terrible. That is the hotdog promise. The cat has clown makeup on, the main dog's single front paw is in the middle of his body, and his toe beans are a ham. I'm sure Jupiterion put just as much thought into the book's content as he did this cover.

I feel like this book is asking me to take comfort and joy in the basic plot of Pet Sematary. I don't want my pets to speak to me from beyond the grave. When my cat dies, I hope she has a lot of fun ruling Hell, and I don't want to bother her. I'm not going to pull my cat away from ruling Hell so she can call me every Sunday. According to Jupiterion, or maybe the robot they told to write this book, one of the very first Signals from pet heaven is seeing the ghost of your dead pet, an objectively terrifying experience.

It's crazy to think that something as simple as seeing the ghostly specter of your dog could be a sign that your dog is trying to communicate with you from heaven. Jupiterion, what else could it possibly mean? Are we to assume the specter of our pet returned to ignore us? Wait, my cat would absolutely return from the dead to sit three feet away from me with her back turned. In fact, she would love that.

Do pets have a favorite song? My anxious dog likes music, but I wouldn't say she's specifically a Tool fan. Are there dogs out there that automatically start moshing when they hear Megadeth? If so, I guess this seems like a pretty normal sign someone might send from beyond the grave. It seems more relevant to grieving people than pets, though, right? There are a couple of entries that make me think, I don't know, perhaps this book is a reskinned guide to grieving people. No one would do that, though, right?

Could it be that whenever this person writes a manifestation book, they simply find-and-replace the word "money" with "love," and it's a whole new book, and they thought they could do the same with "people" and "pets"? I'll never know because I'm not willing to give someone who might do that another three of my hard-earned dollars. Check out some other signals from heaven and see what you think.

Again, very curious to know how you know your pet's favorite color? Aren't a lot of animals color-blind? Jupiterion seems pretty cagey about what sort of pets they've owned. I feel like either they've never actually owned a pet and, therefore, really have to wing this book, or they owned something extremely illegal. Jupiterion sounds like the name of a guy with a komodo dragon in his basement, is what I'm saying. Or he keeps something that can identify colors and choose radio stations. A prisoner? I guess "a human prisoner" is what you could call them?

Your pet's favorite color is such a powerful signal that it was repeated at least twice in this book. I'll have to figure out my pet's favorite color so I don't miss any signals later. Oh, you want to know what kind of pet I have? It's regular. The regular kind. You know, like a dog that loves the color chartreuse and bops to Sabrina Carpenter only, do not play Olivia Rodrigo for her. She also tells me that she loves me in the English language, which she speaks fluently.

Do you see how weird that sounds? That's not a dog; that's the little girl from Orphan. She's found a new gig and it's impersonating a pet to a man who has never seen an animal before in his life. You could say that the answer is a lot simpler, and it's that this was written by AI, but AI should know what a pet is by now, right? Isn't it supposed to be able to code full games, but it doesn't know that a cat can't say "I love you"? I'm made even more suspicious of the being who wrote this book by how it starts about 30% of the entries by stating it is human and trying to prove it understands the human experience of grief.

As a human with a human stomach and not one that digests the grief of lower beings, I would like to tell Jupiterion that it's not a great idea to keep hammering home at the beginning of nearly every signal how hard it is to lose a pet. People who were conned into purchasing a book about communicating with their pet's ghosts are aware that grieving a pet is hard. Being reminded 75 times isn't doing them any good.

This feels like a kid trying to meet the word count for a school assignment using synonyms. Isn't it tragic to lose a pet? It is sad to lose a pet. Losing a pet feels bad. Remember how bad it feels to never see your horse again? Let's really ruminate on that a lot. It will be good for us! Oh, also, if you see a horse that looks like your horse (also brown), that's a sign from horse heaven that your dead horse loves you! Still super sad that he died, though. Think back on all the things he said to you, in his voice, for more comfort.

There seems to be an idea buried somewhere in this book that we will one day be reunited with our departed pets. Does that mean I'm going to horse heaven? I don't think horse heaven and people heaven are compatible. For one thing, you probably can't ride horses in horse heaven, which sounds pretty lame. I also don't think you get to stay in horse heaven if you keep going back down to Earth and laughing in a human voice. I'm a little worried that the person/robot/gargoyle writing this book won't be able to answer my extensive questions about horse heaven. They seem pretty distracted by the dragons they sometimes see.

If you're walking in a generic human park and you spy a dragon in the sky, but you know it's not real, why were you seeing it? I need more details on this one. An author simply can't drop a fake dragon into the mix and then abandon it in the next sentence. "Like my hallucination, my dead pet was so strong, resilient, and except for that one time, unkillable."

At least seeing a dragon is a pretty clear sign that something supernatural is happening. A lot of the signals listed in this book are just signals you are living on planet Earth. Seeing a hummingbird is a signal, and so is seeing a rainbow, a cloud, or a constellation in the sky. If you're looking up, that's a signal from pet heaven. Feeling the wind is a signal. Seriously, anytime a light breeze goes by, that's pet heaven. It's Autumn in Chicago, and my dead cat is bothering me constantly.

Were you hit by your pet's favorite wind? It could be them! Did something else happen? Something less than wind? Feelings, such as happiness or none? These are all signs of ghost pet. According to this book, and we have no reason to think it could lie, your dead talking dog that can control the weather sometimes takes the form of sadness. So watch out for that!

After reading this book, I'm pretty sure I know how Jupiterion manifests all that wealth. Grifting and manifesting are the same thing, right? I'm getting a message from the other side via a cloud that reminds me of a bird that looks like my dead horse. The answer is yes!

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Patrick Herbst, ruler of horse heaven, keeper of the immortal sky dragon.

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