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Welcome, 🌭s, to your day of appreciation. We’re awesome. We know that. We know it so hard that we carry each other around in the world’s only man-sized tandem Baby Bjorn.

But this isn’t about us. This is about you. Did you know you’re awesome? Because you are. We have proof!

First let’s check in on Sissyneck Corner, where GERD is the reason for the season!

Now let’s move on to the Comments, where Tourma inadvertently answers the question “why is turnover so high at the Goodwill Bins Outlet Store in Milwaukie?”

BCSWowbagger is deeply passionate about Collectible Card Games. No, deeper. Here’s a fun game: Guess how long this comment goes on. Write your guess down on an old newspaper, and eat a page every time you incorrectly think this comment has wrapped up.

Not even close! Eat a page.

Nope. Hope you’re hungry! For news!

You win! Another bite of old newspaper!

Okay, everyone whose guts aren’t bound up with a crude paste made of the New York Times, you got it right! The comment was exactly this long.

Plus this bit!

Finish your Times before it goes yellow. There are starving children in Asia who have nothing but the Washington Post to eat.

Thank you for your comment, BCSWowbagger. We actually do value deep dive comments like this, because it shows that even the most exhaustive historian of CCGs, after several pages of effort, still can’t even fake interest in the Austin Powers CCG.

Next it’s time for Weekend Updape with Gellaho! Let’s introduce ourselves (no eye contact, butt elevated in submission) to the new apes Gellaho wrangled for us this month!

It’s the noble Video Ape!

Emerging from the mists of 1998 to judge where you left tracking lines on The Fifth Element.

Now on to the Discord where Jeremy Haring keeps forgetting that the pieces of an apocalyptic weapon are strewn around the woods where he lives.

Jeremy! Remember! Lightning Man can’t touch the Thunder Blade unless you dig it up for him! Don’t fuck this up for the whole world, like the AIMS Team absolutely did.

Swift Justice writes his own death warrant.

Somewhere in Seanbaby’s vast archive of 1,001 Things books, your name, too, is written. You are not special. You are Thing 742.

Mathew Harris at least came out of this year hydrated.

Christopher Horne is a little Christmas drunk, but he’s not wrong. All Hot Dogs, like lobsters, are biologically immortal. Then can only be killed when they become too big to molt their casings.

Dan B set up a little trampoline beside the cuck chair just so he can dunk over the cucks while they watch their wives get railed by better men. And by cucks, we mean Javo.

Speaking of Javo: We’re in.

Speaking of using machines to violate Scottie Pippen, Nanomano: We’re in.

Weevil asks a stupid question, but gracefully accepts Delta’s stupid answer.

Longmile understands the Hot Dog community is here, first and foremost, to help.

Mo understands that “help” is in the eye of the beholder.

SunFisch has, once before, used her powers of dance to burn a middle-aged goofus (hi, Agent!). And now here she is with another gift for the world!

And all that in the official Hot Dog CRACK sweater. Which you can no longer buy, because it was a terrible idea.

ProfessorRocketSurgeon got us a brick! Our favorite gift! Oh, what fun you can have with a brick. A good brick is a skeleton key, a chump educator, and a fine political statement all in one. And this? Readers, this is a great brick.

It’s a real thing! The 1900HOTDOG Brick is forever a part of Portland, Oregon’s main Tuba Christmas and Fentanyl Overdose containment system: Pioneer Square.

Go find our brick!

In a hundred years’ time, there will be significantly more wear on the DOG part because thousands of travelers have rubbed it for help with their impotence.

Ain’t nobody beating that, ProfessorRocketSurgeon! You win this incredibly rare, one-of-a-kind photo of Jackie Chan being bashfully proud of his cute little outfit. He is a serious martial artist, he’s not supposed to be seen doing adorable things like this! To protect his image, he will kill you if he knows you have this: the only evidence in existence.

It’s less a prize than a target on your back.

You folks are, as always, the best. And if anyone ever questions that, you call us. We have a fucking brick.

Comments

Christopher Horne

Thanks for including me. It’s rare that my scattershot thought process forms a coherent whole… could be that I’m some kind of “Christmas-drinking savant”. Either way, congratulations everyone!

Skebotron

I can't decide if the next brick should be Hoge Hange or Pants Cha- wait, what was the second one again? Paul Dano, maybe?

Matthew Harris

2025: Still hydrated, if nothing else.

Matthew Harris

Also, I've noticed a lot of Pacific NWers in these comments, and I believe Seanbaby and Brockway themselves are originally Oregonians. Is this just confirmation bias on my part, or did we all grow up trying to arrange it so we rode the same MAX home from Gateway TC as our crush?

Vooster

Oh no! I can't respond to this comment with my custom Paul Dano emoji that I made just for these situations!

FancyShark

Happy Appreciation Day and congrats to everyone! Blessings of bricks to you and yours, ProfessorRocketSurgeon!

sissyneck

yes i am genuinly enjoyin the cat dance gif almost as much as im enjoyin hoping there was another person taking the photos, may we all assend to that level of mutual pard trust in this our new year

Bonnybedlam

Fellow Oregonian here. Not a Portlander, but now I have a good excuse to get up there this summer. It's been at least two years since I last helped a stranger find his dropped crack pipe on the MAX and that's just too long.

Professor Rocketsurgeon

Thanks FancyShark. It’s an honor to have been the vessel that brought the ephemeral idea of HOTDOG into the true foundation of the world, one brick at a time. If you think about it, I’m exactly like the Virgin Mary. Wait a minute…

Professor Rocketsurgeon

Thanks everybody. Let this brick be the ripple that starts the wave that starts the tsunami that converts the whole world to the glorious truth of HOTDOG. My hope is that this one brick inspires people to engrave their own, in every city around the world, until the time when our grandchildren inherit the earth engraving 1900HOTDOG.COM is the standard procedure for bricklaying.

Matthew Harris

I am also an Oregonian who has sometimes been a Portlander and has sometimes not been a Portlander, which blows a lot of people's minds in both places!

Swift Justice

Yay, I got a cool number!

LyraV

How many cute outfits does Jackie Chan own?