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Welcome, 🌭s, to your day of appreciation. We’re awesome. We know that. We know it so hard we build Wicker Men of ourselves every autumn and then burn us to the ground so that our fantasticness will replenish the Earth’s supply of fantastic.

But did you know you’re awesome? Because you are. We have proof!

First let’s check in on Sissyneck corner, where the men are on average 5’7 and the women average about 5’3 unless it’s an Olive Garden Night and they wear the fancy heels like they did to Memaw Marmalene’s diabetes funeral. Brockway’s WikiHow to Be Weird did not faze sissyneck:

But if we head to The Comments, we can see not everyone was as resilient.

Chuck Austen’s WorldWatch has two very different effects on genitals, which is two more effects than Chuck himself has ever had on genitals:

Ryan Unruh really gets the transactional nature of 1900HOTDOG. We bring you a lot, but we also take so much.

See, allow Robert to illustrate that bargain perfectly:

He gave you the phrase “clown milk” but he took your sense of safety and wellbeing forever. And your sex drive. And belief in a caring God.

This one might not have been worth it.

Lydia’s article on Ghost Hunting for Dummies, the unintentional Zak Bagans self burn, really struck a chord with the community:

The Discord also did their own DoucheBagans research, and turned up some choice material:

TheSheepMafia nails Kid Rock to the fucking wall, maybe 20 years past the cultural relevance of that reference, but right to the fucking wall:

Pem broke some poor computer’s robo-brain by trying to feed it pure uncut Seanbaby and Brockway:

None of that is correct, for the record.

  1. It was a moped.
  2. Brockway never throws anything away -- that’s all valuable material for Trash Mountain.
  3. The Republican newsletter refuses to publish Brockway’s column since he called Steve Bannon “fat Skeletor.”
  4. Brockway is not at all content with that.

Hot-Blast™ Mo™ brought us some pure Garbage Gold™ with Fight Zone™, but Science God Q. Alchemy had to go and get political:

Alpha Scientist Javo had to attend some much needed Sensitivity Training, so he made it into a Let’s Play for the whole Discord, thus illustrating why he needs said training so very badly:

Let’s take a break to check in on the Hot New Discord Apes:

Excellent apes. Solid batch o’ apes. No ape notes.

Perpetually Shocked Fay wanted to discuss the finer points of grammar, as the entire community does every evening, after adjourning to the study for snifters of brandy:

Old Kid did what we desperately beg all of you not to do: Break containment on the Cursed Artifacts we warn you about every week.

This one’s signed! That’s too powerful to be outside a PoxCage™! This is how you wind up trapped forever as a crudely drawn bloodbaby in the background of a Satanist orgy therapy sketch, Old Kid.

Nothing brings Hot Dogs together like dunking on a scumbag with a weird head:

Well, nothing except maybe Turkish butthole submission holds:

Or country music songs based on Chuck Austen’s WorldWatch:

Djonin began “The Ballad of Dickstab Alley,” and while many voices joined in to raise it up...

Ultimately it was up to Djonin to close out the Ballad as well.

It’s hard to say you’ve “won” something in Dickstab Alley, since every prize is a stab in the dick. But the winner is Djonin! And fans of stabbed dicks, I guess! Congratulations, Djonin, you take custody of the Prince Photo, which used to be so beautiful. So perfect, before people like Levi got to it:

Levi will, of course, be wrung dry in a PoxCo™ BodyJuicer™. Obviously his rind will be thoughtfully composted and then used to fertilize a plum tree. Naturally those fruits will be plucked and pickled to help keep dementia patients regular. It goes without saying that their waste will, in turn, fertilize the t- you get it. It’s a cycle. Levi is now shit forever, is the long and short of this.

You folks are, as always, the best. And if anyone ever questions that, you call us. We’ll take ‘em on a nice long walk through a lovely alley with a frankly undeserved reputation.

Comments

Jesse Byars

I feel like I'm about done paying for this. I subscribed for seanbaby content, which was rich and amazing for the first few months, and now most days are podcasting, appreciation, or guest articles. I don't have time to listen to podcasts. I can read the comments on my own. The guest articles are 75% sub-par, or not in the right voice. I'm sure this isn't a popular opinion. Not trying to be an asshole. Sorry.

Jeff Orasky

What is the equivalent of Dickstab Alley if you live in a more rural area? Ballsmash Field? Cootercrush Creek? Nippletwister Valley? I am not sure any of those really work. Maybe the Alley is metaphorical and it exist in all of us, regardless of location?

Christopher Horne

Well, we appreciate you right back. Honestly, I love the format of this whole project, and the concept of only getting the truly exceptional folks from cracked (I don’t even bother to capitalise the “C” anymore... It’s that milquetoast) is like having steak for every meal. If you like steak. Have spaghetti. Or, I don’t know, a pile of snickers bars? God, some people are hard to please, make your own damn food.

sissyneck

well color me empressed you nailed it i am on average 5'7 (5'9 when i stand fully erect and 5'5 when i stand fully flaccid)

Chris “Ace” Hendrix

Y’all ever stop and wonder how life was before you heard the phrase “clown milk”? Like...things were better. Everything was better. The sun was brighter. The days were rich and golden. You could walk your dog down Dickstab Alley without worrying about whether you were gonna get stabbed in the dick—it was just an unfortunate name. But now? No. Clown Milk has entered the lexicon. Like some weird-ass Grant Morrison script, now it has been spoken into the universe and has wrought only despair, darkness, and stabbed dicks. The sun moans like a tired stripper. The moon farted the other day. The Dark Tower is rebuilt, and the forces of Clown-Mordor stand ready to overrun the people of the world. Only the chosen shall be safe. You will know their mark—a mole that looks like Joel Schumacher. That blinks. I was happy once. I lived before the Milking. I knew joy. Now...now there is only Clown Milk. Now...Clown Milk is all. Come Joel. Our destiny awaits, there in the Wasteland.

Fatamatician

Just recently was the first article I did not bother to finish, but when you consider that is 5 days a week content for over a year, those are good odds. The podcasts are really a great source of humor. I listen in small bits, in the shower, making breakfast doing dishes. You do not need to devote an hours to just sitting still and listening. I as a rule have traditionally avoided any online social group, but slowly dipping my toes into the discord it has been a value of its own, and these appreciation articles still show me things I have missed. The official website will still be there with free articles, but when you consider the creative effort being put forth here I would rather have quality over quantity any day.

1900HOTDOG

Something to consider: You are getting one less Seanbaby a week, but they're denser, longer, more graphically intensive. Just overall better. You're not getting less content overall, or at least not by much. It's just focused in one article rather than spread out. We did it this way because we're human beings, and as the site has grown it's taken more and more work. We've been honest and upfront about that the whole time, and have explained each change as we go. We could not sustain the old workload, so we took steps to ensure you folks would have just as much content, but of different types. The podcast is weekly, but most people love it. That's going to stay. The Appreciation posts are twice a month. Two days per month. That's it. To say they're consuming the site is a bit much. Even so, we might dial that back to monthly. If you don't like the site now that it's not killing us, you are free to go. Honestly, this comment would have been fine and valid feedback until your crack about the guest columns. For that, you can go fuck yourself.

sissyneck

yes when I think about it all i am getting for $5 a month (which I don't have to tell you I could spend on a whole BBQ steak and potato burrito at the maverick instead) is a original funny content article every weekday delivered at 8 am sharp with a variety of different funny people writing them so the whole thing is workable and sustainable and the whole time I been paying they only increased the rewards like 2 times and so now I also get funny podcasts and extra weener and access to a community which provides me with a creative outlet and sense of connection and then the hot-dog folks take the time to acknowledge and thank specific members of the community and so I guess I too am "sorry" that I haven't even gotten a single 75% sub-par (which is like 60% par i calculate) hot-dog from this outfit.

FancyShark

Even though it doesn’t go to them directly, the community is why I went from $5 a month to $10.

Jeff Orasky

Of the suggestions so far, I think the Assslash Hills is the best one. That triple-s really sells it.

Alpha Scientist Javo

It should be noted that I passed the sensitive test because I am not some kind of ********** ***** who ***** ********

1900HOTDOG

Everybody who's given the community a chance has been blown away by it. An occasional spot to recognize how much of our value lies there seems fine to me.

Christopher Horne

Well, where I come from, everyone out of pre-school is an intellectual, and all who survive primary school are scientists. So, by that metric, yes.

Daphne Lawless

I mean: I, too, subscribed for Seanbaby content, but I came to love Brockway content and Lydia content and at least 80% of the guest articles content too, so I'm happy that my horizons have been expanded. And I'm getting much more Sean than I used to at whatever schedule Cracked had him on. I personally don't get much out of the podcasts (for the same reason as Jesse) and the appreciation days feel like padding to me; but I'm getting used to the idea that not everything is for me, in particular. I don't LIKE that Sean and Robert are no longer killing themselves to provide precisely the content I enjoy, but I suppose I have to live with it

Melissa Albarella

I also subscribed because I was a fan of Seanbaby's work. I vaguely remembered Brockway from Cracked (mostly the optimizations article - no matter how often I reread it the part about stabbing your heels into the earth gets me every single time). I am so glad I did though - I've grown to love Brockway's work and even get a little defensive of him when people gush over Seanbaby and don't mention him. I've enjoyed all the guest columns and really like that Lydia now has a weekly column. Every time I think I've read the funniest line she's ever written she one-ups it.

Melissa Albarella

And I love the podcasts. I went from $10 I couldn't afford to $20 I couldn't afford just to get access to the bonus podcasts. Having them be weekly is the best. I'm okay that the content had to change a little to make the site sustainable for all involved. Hot dog forever!

Kate

Same! I'm not even a podcast person, but I love it so much I upped my subscription. That, and Lydia, who was my tipping point for taking on another monthly subscription. I came for Sean, fell in love with Brockway, but started paying because, OMG LIDDY IS HERE TOO!

Jesse Byars

I took out my frustration about something else in a comment here when I got the Appreciation Day notification after a long night of drinking. I'm not going anywhere. Well, I might go fuck myself. Furthermore, me being drunk or having a bad day is no excuse. I especially apologize to the guest authors. What I said isn't even true. I'm sorry everyone.

1900HOTDOG

I think it's a fine excuse during a bad time for everybody in the world. I figured it was something like that, anyway. Notice you were not banned, which is what would've happened if you crossed a line you couldn't come back from. Appreciate the apology to the guest authors -- I think they're doing a great job. That was all I thought went too far, and I don't think the rest of your feedback was out of line. I appreciate it, in fact. But do me a favor: Read tomorrow's piece. Remember that when we started, the idea was for each of us to do shallow-dive, 500-700 word short pieces two and a half times a week. Decide if you'd rather have that, or what you're about to get. There's not (much) less from either of us overall, it's just arranged differently and while you're not wrong for wanting more of it, I hope you come to like this way just as much.

Jason Pargin

Just as an aside, one thing you have to remember is that in the last several years, a BIG part of the audience for longform text content migrated to podcast/youtube/twitch content. If you have a site looking to do what classic Cracked did, or even classic late-90s Seanbaby, you need a podcast element. I don't even mean for business reasons, I mean you're otherwise leaving behind like half of the audience who now prefer to listen than read (easier to do on the treadmill, while driving, etc). I get why some people get frustrated that the content gets split like that (every podcast I do people ask when the next article is coming, every article, people ask when I'll be on a podcast again) but it's the audience that drives those decisions, and trying to make everyone as happy as possible.

Jesse Byars

Thanks for the reply, Jason. I've been a big fan of your work for a long time. I even like the few episodes of the podcast I've listened to, especially the theme song. I've read every article here since the beginning. I just find it hard personally to have patience with audio format, but I understand its utility for many people. If the podcasts were transcribed I would read every word. I'm probably a very niche audience for something like that though. Thanks for being understanding everyone. I took out some stupid frustration in the worst possible place to do it and I'm ashamed. I understand the current difficulties with producing content like this, and I am absolutely delighted by the success of this website. Long live the weiner.

Lord Mo

I'm just glad that I'm slowly but surely spreading the word of FIGHT ZONE

NuriCarmen

My brain is bad at auditory processing too. Honestly, Seanbaby *and* Brockway content has been a special interest of mine since I was a literal child - hi Robert, I own all your books! - I'd probably be willing to do transcription for free as long as folx were willing to be flexible about "deadlines"

1900HOTDOG

We're cool, Jesse! Thanks for coming back and owning it. That's tough and rarely done. Good work. I honestly don't know how we've done this. Even when things slip a little bit, it's all still so positive and productive. This is the best community. If you're ever on the fence, hop in the Discord sometime. It's already part of your tier, and it's fun, active, and welcoming.