Hot Dog Appreciation Day: Take a Long Walk Through a Short Dickstab Alley (Patreon)
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Welcome, 🌭s, to your day of appreciation. We’re awesome. We know that. We know it so hard we build Wicker Men of ourselves every autumn and then burn us to the ground so that our fantasticness will replenish the Earth’s supply of fantastic.
But did you know you’re awesome? Because you are. We have proof!
First let’s check in on Sissyneck corner, where the men are on average 5’7 and the women average about 5’3 unless it’s an Olive Garden Night and they wear the fancy heels like they did to Memaw Marmalene’s diabetes funeral. Brockway’s WikiHow to Be Weird did not faze sissyneck:
But if we head to The Comments, we can see not everyone was as resilient.
Chuck Austen’s WorldWatch has two very different effects on genitals, which is two more effects than Chuck himself has ever had on genitals:
Ryan Unruh really gets the transactional nature of 1900HOTDOG. We bring you a lot, but we also take so much.
See, allow Robert to illustrate that bargain perfectly:
He gave you the phrase “clown milk” but he took your sense of safety and wellbeing forever. And your sex drive. And belief in a caring God.
This one might not have been worth it.
Lydia’s article on Ghost Hunting for Dummies, the unintentional Zak Bagans self burn, really struck a chord with the community:
The Discord also did their own DoucheBagans research, and turned up some choice material:
TheSheepMafia nails Kid Rock to the fucking wall, maybe 20 years past the cultural relevance of that reference, but right to the fucking wall:
Pem broke some poor computer’s robo-brain by trying to feed it pure uncut Seanbaby and Brockway:
None of that is correct, for the record.
- It was a moped.
- Brockway never throws anything away -- that’s all valuable material for Trash Mountain.
- The Republican newsletter refuses to publish Brockway’s column since he called Steve Bannon “fat Skeletor.”
- Brockway is not at all content with that.
Hot-Blast™ Mo™ brought us some pure Garbage Gold™ with Fight Zone™, but Science God Q. Alchemy had to go and get political:
Alpha Scientist Javo had to attend some much needed Sensitivity Training, so he made it into a Let’s Play for the whole Discord, thus illustrating why he needs said training so very badly:
Let’s take a break to check in on the Hot New Discord Apes:
Excellent apes. Solid batch o’ apes. No ape notes.
Perpetually Shocked Fay wanted to discuss the finer points of grammar, as the entire community does every evening, after adjourning to the study for snifters of brandy:
Old Kid did what we desperately beg all of you not to do: Break containment on the Cursed Artifacts we warn you about every week.
This one’s signed! That’s too powerful to be outside a PoxCage™! This is how you wind up trapped forever as a crudely drawn bloodbaby in the background of a Satanist orgy therapy sketch, Old Kid.
Nothing brings Hot Dogs together like dunking on a scumbag with a weird head:
Well, nothing except maybe Turkish butthole submission holds:
Or country music songs based on Chuck Austen’s WorldWatch:
Djonin began “The Ballad of Dickstab Alley,” and while many voices joined in to raise it up...
Ultimately it was up to Djonin to close out the Ballad as well.
It’s hard to say you’ve “won” something in Dickstab Alley, since every prize is a stab in the dick. But the winner is Djonin! And fans of stabbed dicks, I guess! Congratulations, Djonin, you take custody of the Prince Photo, which used to be so beautiful. So perfect, before people like Levi got to it:
Levi will, of course, be wrung dry in a PoxCo™ BodyJuicer™. Obviously his rind will be thoughtfully composted and then used to fertilize a plum tree. Naturally those fruits will be plucked and pickled to help keep dementia patients regular. It goes without saying that their waste will, in turn, fertilize the t- you get it. It’s a cycle. Levi is now shit forever, is the long and short of this.
You folks are, as always, the best. And if anyone ever questions that, you call us. We’ll take ‘em on a nice long walk through a lovely alley with a frankly undeserved reputation.