Learning Day: Exo-Vaticana, Part 2 (Patreon)

ASTROBIOLOGY ISN'T REAL. Sorry, I'm a reasonable person; let me put that more eloquently. Astrobiology is not real. Welcome to Exo-Vaticana Pt 2, where I read a thoughtful and researched 600 page screed about how the Vatican is preparing the people of earth for an alien pope, BUT as we learned in part one, aliens aren't real! That's right, I was so hyped to read a book about aliens, and here I am learning for the first time that aliens are, like zebras and Gary Busey, completely mythical creatures who cannot hurt you.

I know, I'm as shocked as you are. For a book that has a UFO on the cover, this book sure doesn't believe in aliens at all. I feel a little like I've been bait and switched. As a reminder, here are a few things the back cover of Exo-Vaticana Petrus Romanus, Project L.U.C.I.F.E.R., and the Vatican's Astonishing Plan for The Arrival of an Alien Savior promised to astonish me with:

So, the 2013 alien world discovery thing was maybe a slight miss, but everything else promised could still be totally relevant! Yet, as we learned in part one, Aliens are actually Demons. Part two reveals the thesis of this book is "Rome is paving the way, intentionally or not, for widespread acceptance of an alleged alien savior," which would be a demon savior, which would be the antichrist. How do we get to the antichrist? Through star sperm, of course!

PANSPERMIA! It's a super real science word that is not funny and instead very mature and adult, so I can say it without giggling at all. However, hands down, the best page of this book is the one that discusses both panspermia and the philosopher Heraclitus. It's such a good page that I can't believe it exists in this book. Here I made a graph of my enjoyment of this one particular page.

So, panspermia is the theory that we are alien garbage. What if aliens visited earth on a long road trip and there was nothing here, but they stopped to pee, and maybe while they were here, they also had a few smokes and sneezed, and from their sneeze/pee/cigarette butts came the microbes that formed all life on earth! It could have happened in a lot of ways, but the basic idea of panspermia (lol) is that in some way, human life was seeded by alien life. The makers of Exo-Vaticana think that is a bad origin story for humanity, but I have to respectfully disagree. My God is a long haul alien trucker, and I'm fine with it.

Cris Putnam and Thomas Horn think panspermia is bad because it has the potential to unite the world under one religious ideal, which is bad because "inclusivism hinders the spread of the Gospel that true disciples are commanded to communicate." The more I read this book, the more I'm convinced the writers are just pissed that they got kicked out of a Bennigan's in Rome for saying some racist stuff, and this is their revenge.

Honestly, section two of Exo-Vaticana is the driest section of this book. After the panspermia and Heraclitus page, it got so unenjoyable I honestly started to doubt my decision to read a six hundred page U.F.O. conspiracy theory. I thought it would be a lot more lizard battles and a lot fewer Bible quotes, but a lot of this section was Bible quotes, and frankly, I've read the Bible, and I'm not a big fan. Two out of ten stars, not enough female characters, definitely doesn't pass the Bechdel test.

Here are the five Exo-Vaticana chapters covered in Section Two. It's a thrilling journey through all of the big words the authors know and some they made up, like Astro-Apologetics.

The essential history covered in chapters nine and ten is a painfully in-depth history of the entirety of Christianity. It's bold to tell your reader to understand what's going on; you need to let me first tell you all of Christianity but these authors did that!

It's not completely exhausting, though. This detailed history of Christian theology is sprinkled with the occasional alien fun fact! For instance; obviously, aliens are demons, but if they weren't demons, we should probably stay away from them anyway because:

Among the growing list of things the authors of this book hate, humanity, in general, is their number one most hated thing. We are all sinners because Adam and Eve failed the apple test, which is somehow my fault, I guess, so God put aliens far away so we can't muck them up with our sinny sinsiness. You know how there are always alien sex planets in sci-fi movies? What if you're on the sex planet right now? Have you seen the internet? Who among the stars is more depraved than us, I ask you? The space perversion was inside us all along!

Suspicious indeed. Are the telescopes even real? Are the many U.F.O. visits not being reported by the telescope men? Or do they not need to come from far away in space because they're already here! Muahaha. Deeeeeeemons!

Exo-Vaticana's writers think that all movies are some kind of message from the Hollywood elite to either warn us or trick us depending on ??? something. Splice is warning us about the dangers of genetic engineering. They Live is warning us about alien/human hybrids. The 2009 Nic Cage movie Knowing is seeding the idea to the public that aliens might actually be angels. The pope and Nic Cage are in on it together! SPOILERS for a movie from 2009 with a 34% Rotten Tomatoes score: Knowing ends with aliens guiding the children of earth to a new garden of Eden. This is very bad!

The author's other significant point in this section is how the Bible doesn't mention other planets; therefore, there are no other planets. By searching for life on other planets, astrobiologists are wasting time and probably sinning? Which is weird because I feel like if aliens showed up, you could totally make the argument that Jesus never mentioned them because it would be pretty distracting. If the prayer said, "Our Father who art in heaven, maker of Heaven and Earth, and Zorb," we would have so many questions about Zorb. A hundred hands are going up, and suddenly Jesus, who wants to relax and drink some water he made into wine for everyone to party with, is talking about Zorb for eighteen hours.

The big takeaway from this part of the book is that alien=demon is so bad because the rapture will need to be explained away to keep people from converting to Christianity post-rapture. This will be achieved by disguising the rapture as a mass abduction.

Some people disappeared because of aliens, some because of crystals, and a couple because their E.S.P. was too good. They E.S.P.'ed themselves to death? If we're in the middle of the rapture, most of society probably isn't going to be paying a ton of attention to all the reasons for everybody getting raptured? It seems like there's going to be a lot going on.

I guess that wraps up Exo-Vaticana Part Two. Christians, prepare yourselves for the big lie of the alien rapture to cover up the real rapture, which is coming in the far-off year of 2013. Also, keep in mind that aliens aren't real, but if they were real, they'd be better than us, the horny perverts of the sex planet—panspermia and Heraclitus to you all.