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Welcome, 🌭s, to your day of appreciation. We’re awesome. We know that. We know it so hard that we funded an action/comedy vanity project where we’re long-lost twins. One of us knows karate, the other is very sexy! But this isn’t about us. This is about you. Did you know you’re awesome? Because you are. We have proof!

First let’s check in on Sissyneck Corner, where a corndog is technically a burrito. He’s learning a little bit about his own sensuality…

He reflects on that time he heard the voice of the devil and the devil said he was ‘doin a alright job.’

And finally, he found what every man needs: A dream.

Now let’s move on to the Comments, where Clementine Danger has a terrible revelation…

We have established not only our own realm of references, but a kind of metaphorical language. Please, allow Will Black to prove Clementine’s point completely.

And now take us home, Timothy.

Joshua Graves is haunted, as we all are, by the ghost of Aikido trauma.

Mathews Stancato thinks he’s finally made sense of John Byrne’s jokes, even though we specifically warned him against trying that.

The Parallel Viewmaster is a Grabowksi inside, where it counts, and outside, where it counts against you in a court of law.

SingingHobo celebrates a sweet milestone, and Matt Edwards reminds us of the human cost it took to earn it.

Next it’s time for Weekend Updape with Gellaho! Let’s introduce ourselves (no eye contact, butt elevated in submission) to the new apes Gellaho wrangled for us this month!

It is deeply suspicious that Art Ape has red spatters on the back of its canvas. What atrocity are you painting, Art Ape? What vulgar symmetries does thine monocled eye capture?

Space Ape is going where actually quite a few apes have gone before. If anything it could be argued that space belongs to the apes.

Puppet Ape has some deeply worrisome connotations. Namely, the size and intentions of the hand that works it…

Death Ape knows when your time has come, and it’s time to come baby.

Meanwhile Mo does what all the signs warn against, and encroaches on Ape Wrangler Gellaho’s territory with Karaoke Ape!

It is on now. This can only be settled one way: A good old fashioned Ape Off! We’re talkin’ Missouri Rules, all nude, blunt weapons only, no emergency services until a winner is declared.

Now on to the Discord, where FancyShark has some probing questions about the deep Dick Fight Island lore…

Djonin teaches Vooster why you never talk to a nerd about Cyberpunk. The game. The genre. Anything cyberpunk. Actually, maybe just don’t talk to nerds altogether.

Vombatus Grabowski is not set at ease by Henry’s bear science.

Spring Break J got sick of waiting for a Hot Dog group comedy bit to happen, so he just made his own.

If he’d just held out a little while longer, he could’ve jumped in on The Great Biweekly Hot Dog Drag of Steven Seagal.

And the winner is… Clementine Danger!

Congratulations, Clementine! You weren’t the first to realize that our endgoal for this whole comedy thing was a slow transition to cult, but you were the first to successfully voice it before getting disappeared.

You are the new custodian of the Prince Photobot, and OH MY GOD.

Objectively, we always knew the Prince portrait was thirty feet tall – we commissioned it that way. It killed three artisans by accident before it started killing them on purpose. But there’s knowing that, and then there’s seeing it.

Anyway Clementine, if the size of this monster’s many artificial genitals make you feel unsafe, you can visit Hot Dog Compound Mustard up in the beautiful Utah desert! That’s where our last winner, Mo, went for reeducation – and the many postcards not at all in his handwriting say he’s doing great!

You folks are, as always, the best. And if anyone ever questions that, you call us. We have access to an eight foot long Balldo.

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If these images are borked, you can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM.

Comments

Lord Mo

Congratulations, Clementine! Life is good here at the compound. My genome is intact. I've started learning macrame, and my DNA has never felt better!

Joshua Graves

Isn't Aikido Trauma a character in Billy Karate?

FancyShark

Congratulations, everyone! Especially Clementine! And thank you for the shout-out!

Skebotron

I finally (indirectly) made it to the big time! And all it took was to (unwittingly??) set up Clementine for success (sacrifice)! Seriously though, all credit goes to them. I'm just happy to be here.

LyraV

i like you all a lot perhaps the time has come to move up in Hot Dog Society, get a discord, start a nitrate based family and settle down.

Jeff Orasky

That roasting of Segal had me picturing Waldorf and Statler from the Muppets. And now I wish he was constantly followed and hounded by animated felt for all time. Good work, everyone!

Vooster

Good Job, Clementine! My condolences, Mo!

Vooster

Join ussssssss! I'm "Vooster"! No one would have ever guessed it.

Brendan McGinley

Is the cobra-dick spitting a weisswurst or devouring it?

Lord Mo

we made ashtrays! My genetic material is unmolested!

Azeraphel

For the Ape-off, what is the line for "Emergency Services"? Obviously this means no 9-1-1, but what are the restrictions on on-site medics (and/or veterinarians)?

LyraV

I did it, now to slowly figure out how to prove to discord that I'm not a robot. Harder than one might suspect.