Hot Dog Appreciation Day: The Paul Dano Reckoning (Patreon)

Welcome, 🌭s, to your day of appreciation. We’re awesome. We know that. We know it so hard that we sculpt each other from processed ham and symbolically devour one another every spring. It’s a beautiful ceremony. It’s about rebirth. But this isn’t about us. This is about you. Did you know you’re awesome? Because you are. We have proof!

First let’s check in on Sissyneck Corner, where most people have lost a foot to diabetes, but that don’t stop ‘em dancin’!

He got a visit from Ghost of Sissyneck Future when Brockway wrote about Mike Loveless, host of Isn’t That Something?

And in the rare Q&A, Sissyneck confirms that Christ does not fuck with K-Cups.

There comes a time in every child’s life when they get a Silverhawk instead of a He-Man, and they come to understand a fundamental new part of the world in exchange for their innocence. Sissyneck puts it better…

Now let’s move on to the Comments where Robert Lee finds redemption in the works of Bobbi Dempsey.

We actually just checked and this holds up. Purely on a technical level, 1,001 Sexcapades To Do If You Dare is better than Severance.

Christopher Horne tries to wrangle a knighthood for Brockway, but it brings Clementine Danger to a painful understanding:

It’s true: You need to stop and appreciate the giggles now, before somebody pivots them to augmented reality walrus NFTs.

Katherine just read the Don Diebel article with that pickup line. That one. She thought nobody would be here to share the horror with her, but she’s wrong. That’s what makes us a community, Katherine – all of our vaginas have clamped shut in solidarity.

Flippant Sausage just spoiled Act 3 of Brockway’s masterwork…

And Flippant Sausage will meet the minotaur. He will answer its riddle. He will be the solution to the question only asked in blood.

Matthew Harris just had a stark revelation about the growing wealth gap while reading 1900HOTDOG, which is actually our mission statement.

We’re not sure if Emilio Colon got lost on the way to a better website but he’s welcome to stop and rest a while, and regale us with the tale of Michael Oliver, New Jersey Ranger.

Next it’s time for Weekend Updape with Gellaho! Let’s introduce ourselves (no eye contact, butt elevated in submission) to the new ape Gellaho wrangled for us this month! Only one, but it is an ape of learning and distinction.

You do not want to see Scholar Ape defend its thesis. And by “thesis” we mean “your genitals” and by “defend” we mean “attack.”

Now on to the Discord, where Haraka keeps jokingly coming up with terrible bodies for Brockway and he earnestly accepts all of them, anything, for the love of God.

1900HOTDOG isn’t a place of learning, but sometimes it is a place where you get taught. Javo and Some Kind of Wizard would like to demonstrate:

If you didn’t know Gellaho does weekly readings of hilariously terrible books every Friday at 5PM ET in the book-dorks channel of the Discord, now you know that. And your life is richer for it. Join him and folks like Mo to discuss fun stuff like Hardy Boys books!

To Hot Dog is a thing of high effort. We worship obscure and exceedingly strange material that requires hours of explanation to understand, and then more hours of explanation to get the jokes we make about it. It’s the highest difficulty fandom, but Adrienne has it on lock. From her Barbarian Brothers pendant…

To her special Dogg Zzone panic button.

To her fantastic outside-the-box solutions to our Patreon issues.

Now it’s time for The Great Annual Hot Dog Drag! Now held weekly.

DJ Ashba, in his Hot Topic Frankenstein hat and fractional goatee, looking like the Muppet Babies version of Rob Zombie, had the nerve to call somebody else “uncool.”

As you can see the Drag is devolving into real baseless character assassination toward the end, implying that DJ Ashba prowls the mall for inappropriately young women when there’s absolutely no basis-

This Hot Dog Drag has been officially certified and can now safely be entered into court record.

Clementine Danger tried to use the powers of Hot Dog for good…

And it worked! Ozzie found exactly that.

There’s no hilarious turn here. It was just a nice moment. Apparently you can use this community’s skill at finding things like outtakes of Steven Seagal shitting his pants and point it at something nice and it still works. Amazing.

Speaking of bizarre community expertise, DoctorPaprika could only think of one publication to debut his stunning new research:

Djonin realized every Barbarian Fashion Check is just brainstorming a JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure character, and it works perfectly.

It’s time for the Great Annual Hot Dog Drag! Now held biweekly. This time it’s Larry King… ‘s phone.

It’s always a good time to mock Men’s Rights Activists. Javo puts them up, SpottyReception puts them down.

Speedboy the Wonder J has tried over and over again to warn rural Virginia about Ogre Washington, but they’re just not ready to hear the truth.

Ferroday is getting too close to the truth and must be stopped.

Cyberzone missed his calling as a 1990s stand-up comedian hurled forward in time to a world confusing and terrifying for him.

This next one requires some setup: Brockway has been cyberstalking a delusional karateman named Sensei Dave Seeger, and publishing articles on his deeply obscure failed projects that only up to 20 human eyes have ever seen before. Then Javo realized one of the children from Sensei Rainbow and the Dojo Kids was baby Paul Dano, our country’s most twisted Riddler! This role was, of course, not on his IMDB profile. Sensei Rainbow and the Dojo Kids had double digit views when Brockway found it. Plus it would ruin Paul Dano’s life: It would be his very first acting role, by several years. Putting the credit in the most prominent place, right at the start of his profile. It would haunt him forever. It would be his Gay Karate Man.

We had to make it happen.

DeltaFoxtrot and Javo jumped through the many, many hoops IMDB puts up on the route between truth and ruination. And then IMDB set those hoops on fire and demanded they do it all again, backwards and crippled with gas pain. Our heroes were not deterred. It took weeks, but they did it. They god damn did it.

This month our community has ruined a major celebrity’s life in the name of Hot Dog. There’s no beating that. Congratulations, Javo and DeltaFoxtrot! You’re the winners!

You’re the new joint custodians of the Prince Photo:

So it seems each instance of vandalization was actually a seal, meant to keep the murderous rampage of Princebot 1999 at bay. Each month we lose one. There are not many left. We dread the day those powerful Keith David kneepads come off, for that is the day it will be truly free. Much like Clementine Danger, our previous winner, we hope we are an artistic smear on a tennis court before that day comes.

You folks are, as always, the best. And if anyone ever questions that, you call us. We’ll put their darkest secrets on fucking IMDB, we’ll do it! We’re crazy!

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If these images are borked, you can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM.