Nerding Day: Mormon Toy Review (Patreon)

The only thing children love more than toys are toys that remind them all playtime occurs under the watchful gaze of a powerful and vengeful God. Aw, are those plastic giraffes kissing? Then they better be married, or they'll burn for eternity in Giraffe Hell! Every religion wants to make kids think they're cool. And you have to hook them when they're young because swearing to a life of celibacy seems pretty chill when you still believe girls have cooties.

Religious toys in general have very little chill, but for some reason, Mormon children's toys are on another level of unsettling. How unsettling, you ask? Meet this fucker who looks like he comes to life when you're asleep to upgrade your homeowner’s insurance policy:

They gave this little guy with his pupilless eyes the extremely unfortunate name of "Missionary Pal," which I guess is what I'm going to have to stop calling my husband. The toy companies that have invested in Mormon toys really want to make Mormon missionaries cool. That is not an easy job. They have to make children choose these guys with name tags and special underwear more appealing to kids than Iron Man, and Iron Man fucks.

There are so many different kinds of generic missionary toys, including these two tykes who could make fantastic gay wedding cake toppers in a pinch! If you didn't know their specific intended purpose was to spread the word of Joseph Smith, they would make amazing middle-managers-at-an-auto-parts-distribution-facility toys. It's just not the coolest look, and children know when something isn't cool. Maybe if they added lasers? Or that very least a bible-tastic t-shirt cannon for launching the good word at unbelievers from a distance? Maybe there's no saving these nerds.

You can't even escape all of this missionary in the bathtub. This duck has committed himself to spreading the gospel to the nudest and wettest of God's creatures. This rubber duck is a hero:

But somehow, even weirder than making generic missionary toys are the very specific ones. One particular Etsy seller offers a full line of Elder Cook merchandise. It's just stuffed animals wearing a very conservative white T-shirt that says ELDER COOK THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS on it. Elder Cook is one of twelve important church elders, and I guess, according to someone, he is the coolest church Elder? Or maybe just the cuddliest because there's a whole line of Elder Cook stuffed animals.

I know Catholics have pope dolls, but at least that guy has a cool hat. Elder Cook looks like an accountant's accountant. It's like asking a child to cuddle with a super fan of your family divorce attorney. Who would be this psyched about this guy? Wait, what universe is this, did I just find Elder Cook’s Etsy account?

Even sadder than that is the "general conference little learners playset," the beigest playset for children ever to exist. According to the creator, it's designed to help children "develop good habits regarding conference participation." I love that there is not an ounce of whimsy in this set. It's essentially a diorama of boredom. Kids will have a blast playing one of three bald men, or piano player with no fingers, which must complicate her job. This is the playset you give a kid when you want them to grow up to get fingered by a dental equipment distributor once and die of old age at 25.

There is one Etsy seller who saw there was a hole in the Mormon market for more cuddly and silly children's toys, so they decided to make a Book Of Mormon Heroes: My Pet Liahona. They took what is normally depicted as a brass compass, added eyes and some hair to give it a bit of a Furby vibe, which I like. So far, so good. Then they thought, but where should the compass arrow go? Ah, I know! Right on the butthole.

They put the compass part directly where this creature's butthole would be, and there's even a little hole right in the middle of the arrow. This is scandalous. This is, by any measure, a double butthole. Far too anatomically correct for a Mormon toy. What will the parents say when the children have butthole and double butthole questions? This has gone too far. Let's talk about some more normal Mormon toys.

Surely someone has ripped off an already popular secular toy and made it Mormon? That's how all good Christian toy companies make their big bucks. You might be familiar with Bibleman who was sort of a Batman with Jedi elements. Mormons don't fantasize so enthusiastically. They demand a stoic practicality in their children's toys.

One of the most whimsical things I found was the amazingly named Mormon knockoff-LEGO company, Brick'Em Young. They've reproduced fourteen different Mormon temples for youngsters to collect and enjoy. They even made a bride and groom accessory to get married in the temples and of course, more missionaries. Those are pretty normal religious toys, but I'm a little curious why they felt the need to make three different nativity scenes in different nationalities.

You can get a baby Jesus LEGO in African, Asian, or "traditional." I feel like they think calling the white Jesus "traditional" is progressive, but it somehow feels worse to me. Also, traditional is synonymous to me with a buffalo chicken wing flavor. I fully expected traditional Jesus to be coated in a delicious orange sauce. I'll take two orders, and an Asian Jesus with Carolina sauce.

There's also a pretty good Mormon ripoff of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire called Who Wants To Be A Celestial Heir? I've been assured this is a Mormon board game, even though it looks like it was produced by Scientology or one of those astrology cults from the '70s that will only let you win the board game if you sleep with a guy with a waist-length ponytail.

Disappointingly, this game just has you help a little plastic game piece ascend the cardboard stairway to Mormon Heaven by answering religious trivia questions. I checked and checked the rules, but there's not even a way you can tank your siblings straight into Mormon Hell. How is that any fun?

The only Mormon toys that get to have any flair are the Angel Moroni toys. I know what you're thinking, but no, Angel Moroni is not an Italian drag queen. It's the angel that allegedly spoke to Joseph Smith and gave him the golden plates to transcribe into the book of Mormon before doing the world's most unfortunate taksey backsey and leaving the religion with no proof of the miraculous encounter.

That's a pretty cool origin story, and the Angel Moroni action figures tend to be elaborate and golden, so at least that's one character who won't be another somber man-in-a-suit action figure. However, Angel Moroni does seem to always be pictured with what I think is a big telescope for watching little kids and making sure they don't commit Mormon crimes.

The God surveillance state is another big theme of Mormon toys. There's a popular Mormon slogan, sort of like WWJD for non-denominational Christians called CTR, which stands for "Choose The Right." It started as a Sunday school slogan, and kids were given rings that said CTR to remind them to make good choices, but it's since evolved to be popular among both adults and kids, which is why they created a Team CTR police car.

Somehow this is the coolest and most original Mormon toy I could find and it’s also no longer produced? At least there’s a little bit of whimsy in this one even though it’s a warning you could get your ass whimsically arrested. The point is, I looked pretty hard, and the most creative toy I could find for Mormon kids is a children’s pretend police state. Have fun!

...

If these images are borked, you can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM.