Thank You and Q&A! (Patreon)

So, I think yesterday was supposed to be Thank You Patrons Day on here. I meant to post something but my house has become a house of plague and I've been dealing with some weird stress and depression issues. And before you all chime in with SAD suggestions and vitamin D--I know. I live in Seattle. It's a thing here. But I like the darkness and Fall/Winter are kind of my favorite. So while I do watch my vitamin D intake this time of year, it's not something I generally struggle with.

That being said, it did have me thinking yesterday about the concept of being a burden. My grandmother, a tough old bird by all accounts, has a hard time asking for help or taking it, even though she's in her nineties. She hates the idea that she can't take care of herself, that she's not independent, or that she might be a burden in some way. In my mind, being there for her is a gift. She did her job and raised my mom, and helped with us, and now it's our turn. Not everyone gets to have grandparents in their life. So though I see this time as a gift, she sees herself as a burden. It's hard to get people out of that mindset, just as it's hard to not turn it on yourself.

I'm a big fan of healthy boundaries, but the thing is, sometimes you do need to lean on people.  If you're very lucky, you have a support system that can help you shoulder the heavy moments of life. I take a little after my grandmother--I hate asking for help. I hate being a burden. I have no problem being there for other people, but the idea that I can't take care of me and mine chafes. Even with something like this, where the support is voluntary and I'm writing new things for you...it doesn't feel like I'm doing enough. It's a weird mindset to be in, because I know it's false. I work hard. If you're not happy, you will just let me know or remove your support. But it still feels like I'm taking advantage somehow and being burdensome. 

All of that got me thinking about the people in my life. The amazing, delightful, complex friend and family structure I've built over the years. People I'm oh-so-grateful for, even though that nagging idea that I'm somehow burdening them is still there. (I'm mostly good at ignoring it.) The thing is, even though I'm grateful, it's super easy to to stop thinking that way. To forget that a person can be a tiny miracle in your life. They become convenient and steady and you forget how lucky you are to have them.

The way I grew up, it's hard to toss that invisible ledger in my mind--the one that tells me who I owe for things that they did or gave me not expecting anything in return. I'm afraid if I do, I will stop being grateful. That I will become one of the takers that I grew up with. Which is nonsense. (Thanks, ridiculous human brain.) 

So that's what I was thinking about yesterday--this mass of an idea of burden, convenience and gratitude. I was hoping it would sort itself into something coherent to share with you, but it really hasn't. 

With all of that in mind, my darling weirdos, thank you for being tiny miracles in my life. This month, you paid for a lot of children's cough syrup and acetaminophen. You have made my year a little easier. I hope this Patreon brings you joy. If it does, and you feel like it, I hope you share it with others.

With that in mind, please feel free to ask any questions in the comments. If it's something I can't answer, I'll let you know. Don't feel like you're burdening me by asking! This is why we're here. 

Awkward hugs.

-Lish