Chapter 607 - The Witch of the Woods (Patreon)

“Fuck the tyrants.” I declared to my friends and family, lifting a cup of tea in toast.

“Fuck the taxes.” Iona heartily agreed. A sentiment I never thought I’d hear from her. I was a terrible, corrupting influence.

“To striking at the root of the problem.” Nina added in her toast. Artemis and Auri voiced their agreement, Raccoon unfortunately on duty. Artemis glanced suspiciously in her cup before she drank. There was no little carved wooden fox in the bottom of her cup… there was one in her pocket. I was just waiting for her to discover it.

Artemis was convinced it was Nina pranking her back for the shaving incident.

It wasn’t.

It was Iona, who was merrily framing Nina and finding the whole thing hilarious. I wasn’t helping with the pranks… but I was keeping my lips sealed.

We could probably fight the first squad the New Remus Empire sent at us, and win. We could probably kill the second squad… and Orthus Town wouldn’t exist in the aftermath. The third wave would murder us all. We couldn’t expect to win against over a hundred combat-focused elves that had up to 2,000 levels on us. It just wasn’t possible… not in open conflict.

Which had us conspiring. Quite openly. Skye had subtly - and when I hadn’t picked up the hints, not so subtly - kicked us out, and told us she absolutely did not want to know what we were planning. That way she could continue to do what was best for Orthus with minimal sweating over what headaches we were concocting.

“I still think it’s a terrible idea not to let queen Skye know what’s going on.” Artemis had already tossed back her drink, and had promptly refilled her cup. “We’re not savages. We think. We’re not going to start a mess here that can be traced back to us.” She hesitated and looked at Iona. “We’re not, right? We’re going to be smart about this?”

Iona was clearly struggling with the question.

“Broadly, yes, but if they decide we haven’t paid properly, or start making impossible demands, you can’t ask me to turn my eyes. I don’t want to be - what did Elaine call it again? - lawful stupid, but there has to be a line. There has to be a point where we say ‘enough, I can’t be blind to this’. There has to be a point where we step up and act. I seem to recall Elaine complaining about you having similar problems in the old Remus?”

“I was protected!” Artemis protested.

“Yes… so protected you ended up arrested, tried, convicted, and sold into slavery. Very protected. I am so impressed.” Nina ribbed Artemis. 

We all knew the story by now. It was one of my favorites. 

“I do agree with Iona. There comes a point where making sacrifices for the greater good is no longer worth it.” Nina, of all people, said. 

I heard a far-off child’s voice calling… huh, me, of all people. Unusual.

“Helllooooooo.” He called out. “Wiiiitch. Are you here? Helllloooooooo.”

I bent my senses in that direction, putting down my tea.

“There’s a kid coming here who’s looking for a [Witch]. Do we want to give him a show?” I asked.

A wicked grin crossed Nina’s face.

“Ooooh yes. What do we have for witches? Dark forest, creepy spiders, evil-looking fungus, yeah?” She asked.

“Sounds about right.” I said. “Probably a stupid dare, but we might as well give him one heck of a story to tell on the other side. If he really needs something, we’ll hear him out.” 

Part of me felt bad that I didn’t make myself super available to help with every little problem… but I felt I was doing enough. Everything after that was an excuse or a justification. 

Speaking of excuses and justifications - if he passed our little trial, we’d charge his first class offerings quite a bit, and help snowball his entire future. If he was brave and determined enough. It wouldn’t be nearly the same as an actual trial or challenge - it lacked the ‘realness’ - but a number of factors would make his life and classes interesting, should he choose to seize the opportunities provided. 

“Brrrpt?” Auri asked, bringing the conversation back to our nascent rebellion. Nina was muttering under her breath as her fingers twitched, casting far-off illusions with a mischievous grin on her vulpine face.

“Agreed…” Iona slowly said, looking to the others. “It’s best if we’re operating in, say the jungles of $KOBOLDPLACE instead of here. Retribution would land far from Orthus.”

I frowned, a different thought occurring to me.

“Okay, this is possibly crazy talk, but do we have to do anything right now? If the New Remus Empire can be a stabilizing force, crush anyone else who’s threatening to do worse, and smoothly transitions civilization to a more stable position, who cares if we pay 10% tax? I know I’ve seen a far higher percentage utterly wasted.”

I sensed the kid had gone through the first round of Nina’s trials - thank you [The World Around Me] - and I quickly flickered out of the house a moment, chaining [Teleports] until I was in a better position.

Then I [Teleported] him back to the start, killed off some dinosaur stalking the poor kid, and flashed back to my seat, sipping on my tea while waiting for a response.

“Because of the threat, perverse incentives, and tributary governors who aren’t going to handle it well.” Iona frowned at me. 

“The system of leadership is going to lead to elven-enforced mass exploitation, making life shit for people living in some, if not most, of the tributaries.” Nina said a heartbeat behind. 

I decided to add to the ambiance Nina was creating, and cast a spell to create thick, heavy Mist clouds, stripping out most of the noxious elements I used on the Ranger hopefuls. 

“Then handle corrupt governors at the governor level.” Artemis argued. “Go round and bump them off, put in someone who can lead properly in the role.” She tapped the side of her nose. “Someone a little more… sympathetic to your cause, shall we say?”

The kid worked his way through the memorial, and I gestured to everyone.

“Hush! The kid’s almost here. Places, everyone!” I said, flash-teleporting on my School robes.

“Booo!” Iona protested good-naturedly. “You haven’t told us all our places or roles!”

Nina grinned and cast an illusion of a cabinet over her. I pulled out one of the ‘quiet communication’ spells I’d prepared, one lightweight and designed for short, short range only. Frankly a mistake - all the elements I’d been able to strip out to make it quick and easy had utterly ruined it for anything other than a private chat when we were all in the same room. It was nice that I’d found a super niche situation for it, but I wasn’t going to be repeating it.

The kid - one of the endless Nixes - entered, and we put on a show. The line about me having stolen the librarian’s face almost had me in stitches - that was me! Auri almost gave the game away by brrrpting instead of cawing, and I gently flicked her. [Luminary Mind] was already working on an illusion to ‘blank’ my face, perfect for the next time I saw him at the library. The poor kid looked like he was about to pee himself, and I asked what was wrong.

“Um, well, you see, my sister’s sick, and not getting better, and…”

Fuck. Fuck. Was my healing on the fritz? Was there a canceler at work? Had a new plague been engineered? My instinct was to fly over on the wings of an angel and blast the area with the most potent healing I had, but a steady hand on my shoulder helped break me out of that thought.

“Find the root cause.” Nina murmured, and I relaxed a hair.

It was very, very difficult for a child to die under my aegis, and it wouldn’t do for the kid to get nothing. What was more likely - an overburdened and inexperienced child had misunderstood the situation, or someone was going to die in the next minute while being passively healed by me.

I calmed and centered myself, before we all made a big show out of brewing a simple healing potion. Auri was having a blast ‘dancing’ around the edge of the cauldron while playing with the flames. Iona kept passing me tea leaves that I grabbed and threw in. Nina used her illusions to try and prank me, and I kept trying to one-up her with my chanting. Eyeballs were gross and not too kid-friendly, but then again he was just about to unlock his System and the world was rough. I managed to keep a straight face as I included a philosopher’s stone into the ingredients - major overkill for a healing potion. Nina pushed my buttons a bit trying to get me to include a page from a book - that was pure sacrilege! - and I plucked a few hairs off her tail in retaliation.

I called it a day when she escalated too far.

“Alakazam!”, I announced dramatically. Nothing happened, and I kicked Artemis’s chair, where she’d been staring off into space.

“Huh? Oh!” She said, snapping back to it.

“Alakazam!”, I shouted again, dramatically flaring my hands over the cauldron. Artemis obliged, a bolt of Lightning crackling down. Moving as quickly as I could, I stoppered up the ‘potion’ - really more like a 16-blend tea, harmless and maybe a little tasty, but hydration never hurt a sick kid - and handed it off to Nix with strict instructions. Artemis was giving me a significant look, and I think I agreed with her.

Some of the Ranger wanna-bes couldn’t pass the small trial I’d placed in front of the kid, and I suggested he look into it in the future.

He left, carefully staring at the potion as he put one foot in front of the other.

“Alright, I’m going to see what the matter is.” I went invisible and stealthed my way out of the villa, quietly chuckling to myself as Nina played theater master. A wave of illusions hid the house away, and brightly illuminated the easiest, safest way home, looking like bright sunlight the whole time.

Nix looked over his shoulder, his eyes widening comically as the ‘evil witch’s cottage’ vanished entirely.

“Magic.” The boy said with a shiver of fear, going back to staring intently at the vial, putting one step in front of another.

I ghosted behind him as he walked down the mountain. When he inevitably tripped - not enough looking at where he was going - I snagged the tossed potion out of the air, but let him tumble down the rocky path, making sure my emergency ‘no child dies’ healing was indeed on and running. He came to a bruised stop, and I [Teleported] the potion to a pile of soft moss in a direction he wasn’t looking at.

“FUDGE!” He swore with the unbridled fury of a kid, looking around in a panic. I wish I could’ve bottled the look of pure relief when he saw the unbroken potion. He picked it up and ran back home.

I wanted to roll my eyes. First he was too careful, then not careful enough… kids. Hopefully he’d grow up and get some sense.

Also, did kids really move that slowly? Dang.

It took far longer than I wanted, but we were finally at Nix’s house. I lurked around, invisible, in broad daylight like some sort of [Burglar], and was able to get a good look at the situation once his sister entered my sphere of [The World Around Me]. I analyzed the situation for a minute, trying to figure out how she’d slipped through the cracks of my healing safeguards.

Ahhh. That’s what happened. She was delirious, but hadn’t passed out - simply slept. Since she was conscious, old enough, and able to talk, my safeguards hadn’t kicked in, just waiting for her to say ‘Elaine!’ and receive miracle healing. But she was out of it enough to not be able to drive her mind enough to say the word. If things had gotten worse, then my safeguards would’ve kicked in - otherwise, she would have gotten better on her own, or another [Healer] would’ve gotten a chance to practice their art.

Partial healing was much harder than ‘heal everything’. 

Okay, that all looked good. The question was, did I need to change anything?

Oh wait! There was Nix, lifting his sister up. Lights, sound, action!

As the girl drank the potion, I slowly cranked up [Universal Cure] on her, fixing various problems and letting her ‘revive’ as she drank up.

The look of joy on their faces was pure magic.