Weekly Update - 179 (Patreon)

Psst, did you know the comic's first page was published on August 8th, 2018?

Did you know that tomorrow is our five-year anniversary?

Comic this week? Not a comic, but a special wallpaper(?) to celebrate our five years!

Volume #1: Editing in progress, they said to allow 3-4 weeks. (It's only been a little over 1)

Drawing: Special anniversary image

Playing: Baulder's Gate 3 (You didn't think I'd miss it, did you?)

Ramble:

Anniversaries are often a time to reflect on where we're at, how far we've come. And here today we stand on the eve of the comic's five-year anniversary, and I've been doing a lot of reflecting this month. Reflecting is a double-edged sword for me, however, because it's there that depression often lurks.

Today we find ourselves between chapters, Wednesday lines up with the day after the actual date of our anniversary, it's an exciting day and it seems like there could be no more perfect time to draw something really special to celebrate it!

And yet...

It feels so bittersweet to me. Five years. Six if you count the year I spent preparing before publishing page 1. I'm very proud of what I've done. I used to be one of those creators buried under a million different unfinished projects while I eagerly started on a new one. For me to stick with something for this long without setting it aside, wandering off and doing something different, I'm proud of that. I'm proud to say this isn't just another creative project I started and abandoned as soon as it became challenging. I proud to say that it has often been challenging, and I've pushed past those challenges because I want to see what's past them. And it's been worth doing so. I want to see how far I can go with it, and I continue to be motivated towards that goal. This year we are working on publishing our first book and I've been thinking about the pages I might want to update for the second one. I'm about to start working on Chapter 10. Before the end of next year we might have over 200 pages of story. The next five years look just as promising, if not moreso than the first five.

Yet I find myself in quite a state this week. I draw better than I ever have before... and yet I continue to fall short in a myriad different ways. My story makes sense and is... I think... decent? I generally like what I read when I reread it. Yet I lack the confidence that will remain the case long into the future. Statistics would suggest we have more readers than ever before, and yet when my emotions get the better of me I often wonder: is anyone even out there? Am I still just shouting into the void, as I was at the beginning before anyone was reading?

Now before the depression drags me too far below the surface, I must acknowledge obviously that yes, you're out there. I know you're there, I can see you exist and words can't describe how much I appreciate you for sticking with me here. Those of you here on Patreon and those few wonderful souls who regularly pop in to say hi on Discord. You make this lonely journey less lonely. I would be remiss if I didn't at least acknowledge my own habits for the consumption of webcomics is similarly minimal: when comics are posted by the various creators I regularly follow, I read them silently by myself, spending a minute or two of my day on each one, and then I go on to do other things, rarely, if ever, leaving a trace of my attention behind. I do imagine that is the norm, for those who read webcomics, and I certainly don't begrudge anyone for abiding by the norm.

Being a creator is a lonely process. I am, I have always, and I continue to be alone in this pursuit. I walk this path by myself, and every once in awhile I might catch a glimpse of someone watching from the woods on either side with an encouraging smile. That's enough, usually, to give me the strength to take another few steps before I'm once again under my own power, draining my own reserves of energy to tirelessly drag one foot in front of the other.

What am I even trying to accomplish? I know I don't want to be famous or popular. That looks simply awful. I'm not trying to get rich. If I just wanted money, I would let people commission me for pornography, because that would be far more lucrative than trying to tell a story like I am. Am I trying to send a message? Sort of. But I think, most of all, from the very start, I only ever wanted people to know that I exist. I want to leave something out there in the world that will outlive me, whether it's something that people really like or whether my creations somehow inspire someone else to make something even better. I don't want fame, I just want to be remembered as someone who tried to do something and it was actually kinda neat. When I started down this path I told myself I would need to commit to it for at least ten years before I'd probably accomplish anything. Most of the big webcomics have been online for almost 20. Well, it's been five for me. I'm still walking. Maybe after another five years, it'll be even easier to continue walking, just because I'll have forgotten how to stop.

Now I stand here at a crossroads. Is this yet another ramble I spend three hours writing and editing, only to delete it and replace with a "no ramble today, too busy" because it somehow feels selfish of me to share with you all yet again that creating something is actually kinda hard? Or do I peel back the curtain a little bit, leave this ramble here for people to read at their leisure, and possibly reinforce the concept in someone else's mind that if they want to do something like this, something like I do, perhaps even better than I do, they are going to have to endure and struggle with it from time to time, no matter how fun it may seem at first?

This comic was born out of severe depression, and for the most part it has helped me against that struggle. It's something I feel proud of myself for doing, and that's regardless of its overall quality or impact. I may be managing my depression fairly well these days, but I still doubt myself constantly. Five full years and I still don't know if I'm on the right path, but I keep walking only because I know if I don't, I'll never get anywhere.

Thanks for reading.