What's been going on (Patreon)

So this has been a long time coming- the last time I posted any content on Patreon was over a year ago, and for that I can't apologize enough. Not only do I feel that I owe you an apology (as much as that's worth), I also feel I owe you an explanation.

It's no secret that my online presence has dropped off significantly in the last year- aside from the obvious lack of updates on Patreon, I post less of my braindead thoughts on Twitter (perhaps a blessing?) and I post less videos than I used to, and they get a lot less views. Things have changed a lot, and I think for the most part I can trace it back to around April-May of 2023. During this time I had a terrible mental health crisis, worse than I've ever had before, presenting mainly as physical symptoms. I felt constantly panicked, nauseous, and I couldn't stop gagging- I felt like I could barely move off the couch and the most I would eat in a day would be, like, a single carrot. It got so bad I had to go to the emergency 24 hours, where they took an EKG and decided to prescribe me a bunch of medication (chief among them being anti-anxiety medication, which I'd ironically always been too anxious to take). I started taking them and over the course of the next few months things gradually got better for me, but it was hard.
I felt like my world was crashing down, and I still had sponsor deadlines to meet- I really struggled during this time to work and put out videos. I put out a video on SuperSecret around this time, and you can see how gaunt, pale and thin I look in that video. I was scarily thin during this time because I couldn't eat or sleep.

During that time I failed again and again to meet deadlines for my sponsors and management. Thankfully my management and the companies that I've worked with have been some of the most graceful and understanding people I've ever worked with, and continually pushed back deadlines and made it work for me. It may sound dramatic since we're talking about silly Youtube videos, but I felt- and still feel- so ashamed at my inability to keep up. I used to have endless motivation and a ceaseless drive to create, to push out videos, but after April I was just zapped of all of my energy and I couldn't do it at the same pace anymore. I was putting out less videos at more random intervals, and while obviously this can't be entirely blamed for the drop off in views (sometimes topics just don't land and videos don't do well, it's totally natural), losing that momentum in the algorithm was something I was always afraid of. At the time, it felt like tangible evidence that I had ruined everything.

This bled into my other social medias, including Patreon. I had no energy to post on here, and so time went on- and on, and on. It's the classic cycle- the longer I left it, the harder it was to come back. How would I explain why my literal paying patrons weren't getting any content, and hadn't for weeks? And then months? And now a year. I feel so embarrassed at how long I've left it, and it feels like any explanation will sound like an excuse. And so I'm writing this today, fully knowing that this post doesn't excuse how long I've left everyone in the dark. I'm going to be updating my Patreon tiers to remove rewards relating to content- I just don't want to promise something I can't deliver. I'll be keeping the patron name read-outs at the end of the video, but all of the other tiers will remain simply as ways to support the channel. My mental health and energy are still in a fragile place (I actually just upped my meds and am hoping for really positive results, but it's making me ridiculously fatigued) and I don't want to make promises that I can't keep. To my endlessly supportive patrons, I literally cannot thank you enough for your patience and generosity, even in the face of a frankly unacceptable period of silence. If you want to unsubscribe from the Patreon, I completely understand, and seriously- nobody's gonna blame you.

If this period of my life has made me grateful for anything, it's the amazing, incredible people that I'm surrounded by. Sometimes I feel useless, but you- my amazing patrons, people who believe in me and the things I make- as well as my beautiful friends, those who watch my videos and make me laugh in the comments, my management and the people that I work and collaborate with- you have all made me feel so understood, so accommodated, like me and the things I make are still worth something. I hope this doesn't all sound overdramatic, because, again- this is Youtube, objectively the funniest topic to connect to your mental health woes. I'm in a MUCH better place- meds worked wonders for me, and I'm still trying to get back to where I once was. It's slow progress but I can't thank everyone- including everyone reading this- enough for being amazing. I'm sorry, thank you, I love you. I'm going to keep making things online, and I hope you enjoy them. :)

-izzzyzzz