RAW SCRIPT: [M4F] Halloween Shopping with Your Vampire Boyfriend [🐼♨] [BFE] [Wholesome] (Patreon)

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▶ Original Upload Date: November 30th, 2023

[royalty free music plays] [people talking in the background]

Wow, sweetheart. This place is huge! Is this what all you humans do for All Hallow’s Eve? I don’t think I’ve ever been to a store dedicated to one whole night. It’s like a wonderland in here. But, doesn’t this seem a bit excessive? There’s like rows of different colored spider webs. Hell, look at their candy section. It’s like a separate candy store within this store. Doesn’t that go down in price the next day? I get it, if a lot of the smaller humans live near you and you want to be prepared. But honeybear, please tell me we aren’t going to buy out the candy section. [brief pause] No, no, no babe I’m not trying to call you fat, it’s just that we live in the most boring cul-de-sac in the world. I mean last year was the first Halloween we spent as boyfriend and girlfriend. We only got like three kids and you ended up taking it to work with you. [brief pause] I’m just saying babe. But oh my goodness, look at how big that is. Eessh wow, now babe, is it really worth paying…$400 for a giant animatronic of a clown moving back and forth? The power bill must be insane. [brief pause] I’m sorry, I am just trying to understand. Don’t get me wrong, I love Halloween, but I’ve never been to a store like this before where everything is overpriced.

However, I did come here for you and because you said it would be fun. So, please, lead the way. Let’s go look at the decorations/accessories and then the costumes, which you said was going to be the fun part. Alright, hold my hand baby girl, don’t want you getting lost now. [brief pause] Oh, those look nice. Uhm, what are they supposed to be? Oh they’re those magic holographic pictures that change when you look at them from different angles. That’s cool and all. Oh come on, are they joking? Of course they make the person change into a vampire. That’s not even realistic. Never in my 145 years of being alive has my mouth stretched to that length when I showed off my fangs. Oh and of course, the pointy ears and the blacked out eyes. I guess they just take inspiration from Hollywood now haha. [brief pause] Well…I guess that makes sense. But, speaking of that, I mean look at this. This vampire statue centerpiece has the vampire holding a knife with a big goofy grin on his face. Oh, and of course the typical Dracula widow’s peak. Never in all my years of being a vampire have I needed to stab somebody. Oh and look right next to it, a vampire tablecloth. It’s $40 for a black lace sheet…but it’s got vampire bats on it and it’s made to look dusty. Because all of us can turn into bats and we live in decrepit old mansions. [brief pause] Well okay, but that’s a stereotype. But honestly, I like black lace, I just prefer it when it’s….you know…something YOU wear that I bought at Victoria Secret. Haha. Sigh, well, look at this. Vampire Candles? It’s a black candelabra…with black candles with red specks on it. You know because we never heard of electricity. Haha. Oh boy. Oh and look at this. These ones are for the girls. Look at these wine glasses. This one says, Certified Batty, you know like a baddie? Or this one, my lipstick shade is blood. It’s best you hold on to this with the most care. Wouldn’t wanna cut yourself on all this edge. Hmph…well let’s go to the costumes. [brief pause]

My Halloween? Well, it was honestly a lot more simple. Granted I am only slightly over 140 years old, it was more conservative. But also, in my opinion, slightly scarier. Have you not seen pictures of the slow evolution of costumes? I mean, even the girls’ costumes looked straight out of a horror movie. By today’s standards, they’re nothing to sneeze at, but think about it back then. Plus, it was not as expensive. I mean, look at this Princess costume. For $80, you get a bright pink dress made with the cheapest material, a flimsy pink pointy hat with a single pink streamer and what looks like a dollar store wand. For $20, we can go to the thrift store and find some human’s prom dress. Then, I can get pink glitter from the craft store for $10 and throw it on the dress and with the other $50, take you to a nice lunch. [brief pause] Oh come on, I am not being a grump. I just think we can spend our money…or well my money more wisely. But, alright, let’s continue forward. [brief pause] No no it’s…sigh…I just look around at all you humans and wonder. Like okay, look at this. This Vampire Queen costume. Look at it. I’ll give it credit for being modern, but…it’s just a crimson colored pencil dress skirt, a cheap choker with an even cheaper plastic pendant and black crown. Like….this costs $60….and the most expensive thing is maybe the dress. The accessories look like they’re from the dollar store. [brief pause] Sigh alright then, I guess it’s a special occasion. Go pick out some costumes and I’ll meet you at the changing rooms.

[brief pause] Hey babe, how is it going in there? [brief pause] Uh yeah, nobody is around. open shower curtain Oh wow…hehe a sexy nurse outfit. Oh wait…lemme guess…a sexy….phlebotomist? Because you know blood and I’m a vampire haha. Ugh, babe you know I love it. I’m just….close shower curtain okay I’ll wait. [brief pause] open shower curtain Ohh wow…you know that Vampire Queen outfit doesn’t look half bad. Hmmm If you’re not careful, I might actually turn you into a vampire. I mean I like it….well babe…baby, no that’s not what I meant….close shower curtain [brief pause] Uh…yeah babe. Do you need help? With what? open shower curtain Uh…what’s going on, where’s the costume? [brief pause] Ohhh woah! Mmmmg close shower curtain Uhh baby doll, you’re not wearing a costume. What kind of crazy idea do you—-Ohhh babe, people might hear us…..ohh haha looks like this trick got his treat early haha.

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