Emergency Memo: Jedi Benefits Overhaul (Yes, It’s As Boring As It Sounds) (Patreon)

INTEROFFICE MEMO

To: All Jedi Members
From: Chai-Gon Jinn, Jedi Human Resources
Subject: Urgent! Retention Strategies in the Face of the Dark Side’s Corgi Crisis
Date: Galactic Standard 4502.17

Dear Light Warriors,

As you may be aware, the force has been strong...ly against us lately. It appears the dark side’s recruitment techniques have become frustratingly effective, and frankly, the rate at which our Jedi are defecting for "greener" (and decidedly darker) pastures is not just alarming; it’s downright embarrassing.

Master Yoda, in his infinite wisdom but finite budgeting skills, has tasked us with crafting an alluring suite of benefits to counteract the irresistible wiles of Darth Honey—yes, that’s actually what they’re calling themselves now. After much deliberation and a disheartening look at our financials, here’s what we’ve managed to Jedi-approve:

• Extended Meditation Hours: More time to sit quietly and ponder why we’re losing members to a Sith with a pet corgi.

• Robe Refresh: Due to budget constraints, this will involve turning your old robe inside out for a ‘fresh’ look.

• Lightsaber Maintenance Workshops: Because nothing says “excitement” like three hours discussing the proper oiling of a kyber crystal.

• Tea Tuesdays: Featuring exotic blends such as Dagobah Mudslide and Hoth Frostbrew. Remember, variety is the spice of life—but not too spicy, that’s not the Jedi way.

I must confess, drafting these "benefits" has been as thrilling as watching paint dry on the moisture farms of Tatooine. I’ve tried to stay positive, but let’s face it, these offerings are about as exciting as a Senate filibuster.

It’s become increasingly clear that the dark side doesn’t just have cookies; they have corgis. CORGIS, people! And while I’ve been loyal to our cause, who can honestly say they wouldn’t prefer a fluffy companion over yet another silent contemplation session under Master Yoda’s parsimonious gaze?

So here it is—I’m done. I’m done pretending that our most thrilling adventure is choosing which shade of beige best represents our inner peace. I’m off to get myself a corgi from someone who understands the true power of cuteness.

And yes, Yoda, I’m calling you out. We need more than the Force to keep us here. We need some joy, some laughs, and maybe just a bit less of the Council’s nonsense.

Consider this my resignation. May the Force be with you, because frankly, it’s been rather against us lately.

Goodbye and good riddance, Chai-Gon Jinn (soon to be Sith Darjeeling of the Dark Side, complete with an adorable corgi)

P.S. Yes, the rumours are true: the Council's most gripping secret is that Yoda’s favourite tea is Lipton. Astonishing, isn’t it?