The Utterly Essential Guide to Cuddle Therapy & Sofa Snuggles (Patreon)

Welcome, weary soul, to the absolute cure-all you never knew you needed until this very moment: Cuddle Therapy. Forget your therapist's couch; it's the sofa snuggles that'll recalibrate your miserable Monday and every tedious day that follows. This guide isn’t just a how-to—it’s a must-do, so park your bum and read on.

Chapter 1: Diagnosis – "Do I Need Cuddle Therapy?"

If you've stumbled home, dragging the weight of the world behind you, only to realise you've forgotten how to smile genuinely, then congratulations! You qualify for immediate enrolment in Cuddle Therapy. Symptoms include, but are not limited to: excessive grumbling, furrowed brows, and the absurd belief that one can survive without copious amounts of affection.

Chapter 2: Preparation – Setting the Snuggle Scene

To commence, you'll need a sofa. Not just any sofa, mind you, but one that won't squeak in protest as you fling your desolate self upon it. Scatter some cushions—go wild, the more, the merrier! The ambiance is crucial. Dim the lights, light a candle (scented with desperation and lavender, ideally), and ensure the room temperature is snugly warm.

Chapter 3: Execution – The Art of the Sofa Snuggle

Now, for the main event. Approach the sofa with the enthusiasm of a koala approaching a eucalyptus tree. Flop down dramatically (mind the cat) and stretch out. Then, perform the critical move: The Summoning. This involves sending a look so pitiful to your partner that they can't help but join you in this pathetic tableau.

With your partner now on the sofa, initiate Phase One: The Flump. Let every bit of stress and tension pour out as you collapse into their arms. This isn't just a hug; it's an act of survival.

Chapter 4: Advanced Techniques – The Oreo Pillow Smack

For those particularly dire days when the standard cuddle does not suffice, it’s time to deploy the Oreo Pillow. Yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like—a pillow, ideally shaped like an Oreo, used to gently (or not so gently) smack your partner into realisation that life's too short not to be smothered in affection.

Chapter 5: Maintenance – Sustaining Your Cuddle Health

Regular sessions are mandatory. Mark it in your calendar, set an alarm, tattoo it on your forehead if you must. Cuddle therapy isn’t a one-off miracle; it's a lifestyle. Remember, a day without cuddles is, quite frankly, a day wasted.

Chapter 6: The Side Effects

Be warned, side effects of Cuddle Therapy may include but are not limited to: unexpected bursts of giggling, an inexplicable sense of optimism, and a severe dependency on human contact. Should you experience any of these symptoms, do not panic. Instead, snuggle harder.

Epilogue: The Eternal Cuddle

So, there you have it—a guide that, if followed, guarantees not just a happier you, but a softer, squishier, cuddlier version of yourself. Ignore at your peril, or embrace with open arms. The choice is yours—well, not really. We both know you need this. So, shut up and let the cuddles commence!

And remember, when in doubt, just cling onto someone and hope for the best.