How I Got 'Bugged' by My Patronus: A Fiery Tale of a Slytherin's Burn-Out (Patreon)

Dear Dumble-whats-your-name,

Have you ever tried lighting a dragonfly on fire? It's not nearly as satisfying as you'd think. Too small, too quick, not nearly enough theatrics. So you can imagine my utter HORROR upon discovering that my Patronus, the embodiment of my innermost magical strength and identity, is this...insect.

Let's go over this, shall we? Here I am, a dedicated, fervent Slytherin, unironically draped in dark emerald hues, living in a cold, stone dungeon, charmingly lit by green lanterns. I swear on Merlin's saggy left ball sack that I could out-evil Voldemort on a bad day, and my Patronus is a bloody DRAGONFLY?

I had my bets on a basilisk or, at the very least, a highly disagreeable badger with a knife. But no! I get a magical creature that's essentially a toothpick with wings, destined to be swatted out of existence by an irritable Dementor on its lunch break.

Here I am, spending hours perfecting my blade skills, only to discover that my magical guardian is something that can be taken out with a bit of bug spray. It's beyond mortifying! It's as if my Patronus had its own sarcastic sense of humour, mocking my pyromaniac tendencies, my love for blades, my brooding aura. Does this seem fair to you, Dumbledore?

Surely, you of all people understand the gravity of this issue. Imagine, if instead of the legendary phoenix, your Patronus was...let's say, a goldfish. Would you be thrilled? Would you revel in the knowledge that your deepest, most intrinsic magic spirit animal is a creature that can’t even remember its own name for more than 3 seconds?

I demand a do-over. Yes, I know it doesn’t usually work that way, but if you don't comply, I may be tempted to test if a dragonfly Patronus can survive a Flame-Throwing Charm or perhaps the impact of a nicely sharpened blade. The magical law is rather vague on the maltreatment of one's own Patronus, isn’t it?

Consider this a passionate appeal, a desperate plea from a student on the verge of a fiery breakdown. If nothing else, do it to save our beloved castle from any potential fiery accidents. You know how clumsy I can get with fire when I’m upset.

Begrudgingly,

Orchid Vox