Thoughts out loud (Patreon)

Hello everyone! If you’re only here for my stories, I’d suggest stopping here. Thank you for your support! I write this often because it is true.

Today, I’d like to talk about something a bit more personal, which, as it turns out, is connected to my creative work here. No, nothing drastic, but I feel like this is the right place to express myself.

As some of you may have noticed, I changed the theme and my profile picture. As silly as it might sound for a nearly middle-aged man, I really got into this anime. I saw in the main character a certain reflection of my own emotions, my inner child, projected onto a more feminine side of myself. To clarify, when I say feminine side, I mean the qualities that society often stereotypically allows—or even imposes—on women, but which were suppressed in my upbringing. I’m talking more about emotions, personal freedom, and the resistance to conform to the conventional, stigmatized image of “being a man.”

The main character, a girl with a man’s brain, still has traces of a child’s perspective in many aspects. (Let’s be honest, nowadays, the period of personality maturation doesn’t end at 18 but often stretches well into the 30s—or, for some, it never fully happens.) This character perfectly fit into my own understanding of these concepts.

And yes, it truly inspired me. Damn, but today I finished watching what happens next. I won’t spoil anything in case someone hasn’t seen it yet, though judging by my reaction, you might already sense something. So once again, if you plan to watch it, stop reading here.

After the end of the first season, especially episode 12, I felt something I wasn’t prepared for. In the beginning of that scene, I felt a mix of physical arousal (not strong, but noticeable) and a simultaneous sense of disgust. It threw me into complete shock, creating a dissonance in my feelings. I rewatched the scene multiple times. It felt like what happened to the character happened to me personally. That overwhelming sense of betrayal and loss… Damn, I haven’t felt anything like that in a long time, and the tears just welled up… I wanted to erase everything related to it, delete these changes to the page to hell, but… after reflecting and having some inner dialogues, I decided to leave everything as it is.

Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not, but I have a feeling that something has shifted in the way I approach my creative work. But it could just be a temporary phenomenon, and tomorrow, a week, or later, everything might go back to the way it was. However, I feel like this will somehow affect my stories. I don’t know if this change will be to your liking, but aside from being a small emotional release, this message is also somewhat of a heads-up about potential shifts in style.

I might start focusing more on the psyche and emotions rather than just the physical aspects… who knows how this will impact my work?

And I don’t attribute this solely to the anime; it just made me realize something I haven’t fully grasped yet… And I don’t know if it’s noticeable or not, but at least to me, I can see that what I’m publishing now feels different from what I was writing even a year ago.

So for now, if anyone’s worried, there’s no need to be. I have a buffer of stories lined up for the next month or so, so you probably won’t notice anything immediately, but I believe it’s possible.

And yes, at least for now, I’ve decided to keep the profile picture and theme as they are. Let it remain as a sort of symbol for the time being.

Thank you for reading, for following me, and for your tremendous support. If it weren’t for you, I probably wouldn’t have continued doing this.

P.S. And yes, I decided to read the manga, but I haven't finished it yet, now it's become even more important to me =)