Star-Crossed - Commentary - Ch. 17-18 (Patreon)

Andddd we're back for another commentary.  I don't know about you, but the last two weeks felt really slow.  That was a big change from the rest of this year, which seems to have flown by (it's November already!).

I've been making steady progress on my Bumbleby friends-to-lovers story, although I've been working at a slower pace than usual (the result of me trying to have a better work/life/writing balance for my hands and sanity).  The story is going well, overall, but I feel like it’s taking forever to wrap up.  I've finished 16 of 21 chapters though, so it should be finished soon.

The best part about finishing a story - besides finishing a story! - is the little gap between wrapping one up and diving into a new one.  That break is so nice because my brain is freed of having to keep track of plotlines every day.  It’s so relaxing...then I get sucked into another story and it’s the same thing all over again…

Anyway, let’s get to Star-Crossed, where we had two chapters with a lot of Bee development in them.  First, I wanted to discuss something I brought up in the last commentary but didn't go into a lot of detail about - more specifically, why I split chapters 15 and 16 into two parts.

As a refresher, Chapter 15 is when Blake meets with Sun, and Chapter 16 is her date with Yang.  Obviously, at the end of Chapter 16, Blake and Yang return to the ship and find out that Cinder has captured Sun.

Think about if this had remained one chapter.  We begin with Blake talking to Sun then leaving to spend time with Yang.  They spend time together, then the chapter ends with them returning to The Inferno and finding that Sun is in trouble.

There’s nothing really wrong with that, but the timing of these events felt too compressed to me.  Like they happened too close together in the story.

We see Sun at the beginning of the chapter, and he's fine.  A few thousand words later, and he's in trouble?  By dividing the chapter into two, we have a natural break between Blake meeting Sun and Blake spending time with Yang.  Even though these events still happen over the same amount of story time, it feels like more time separates them because of the chapter break.

In a nutshell, that’s why we had two chapters instead of one!

I almost split Chapter 17 in two as well, and I still think that I should have. The only reason I didn't was that I couldn't think of enough content to logically extend the chapter.

Of course, now that I'm thinking about it, we could have had the ship take off and Blake stew about what happened for a few hours before Yang drags her back to her room.  But I didn't feel like Blake would even leave with the Blackguards in the emotional state she was in.  Don’t you feel like she would have tried to find out if Sun was still alive if Yang hadn’t dragged her on board?

As you can tell, these little things keep bothering me well after the story is written.  I’ve said it before, but you can keep tweaking a story basically forever and it would probably still not feel finished.  I try to strike a balance between doing what I can before posting, but also accepting that some things are just lessons to carry forward to the next story.  So, it’s not all bad!

Now, we can discuss all the ways in which Sun is a dum-dum.

I set him up for failure all the way back in Chapter 1, where he insists on watching Blake leave the planet on her mission.  He does this because he’s a sweetheart and just wants to see his best friend shoot off into the stars.  Unfortunately, he’s not as sneaky as he thinks.

This was also a great opportunity to remind everyone that Cinder is evil.  Honestly, I was always looking for spots where I could add more violence to this story.  That sounds horrible, but it's supposed to be a darker and gloomy story!  Can't have dark and gloomy if the Bees are being cute the whole time.

Since we know the outcome now (that Yang saved Sun), we also know that Yang prevented Blake from trying to save him herself.  Blake was going to try to save him by shooting him!  That works in movies sometimes, right?  Why couldn't it also work here?

Probably because trying to non-lethally shoot someone is never a good idea...

I'm curious how many people actually believed that Yang stabbed Sun and threw him off the cliff.  I tried to make it as convincing as possible, but I also left a little hint in Chapter 16.

When Yang gives Blake that fancy knife, Blake comments that Yang is carrying two knives.  Yang says that’s because she never knows when she’ll need a second one.  It sounds like a good strategy, but in actuality one is a fake.  That's why she had to push Sun off the cliff!  Because she didn't actually stab him.

And that's why I had to describe the cliff when they landed in Chapter 15.  No cliff, no way for Yang to fake stab Sun and make it look real.  (I guess there are other ways...but I didn’t take the time to create them.)

Blake is (rightfully) upset that Yang stabbed her best friend, and she says some hurtful things in her anger.  That's fair, right?  I always feel like I need to give the characters a good enough reason to lash out, and this seemed like a good reason.  You don't want them to fly off the handle for nothing, you know?  That's when you start getting out-of-character moments that pull readers out of the story.

I really liked Yang's reaction to Blake’s outburst though.  Blake is basically verbally attacking her, but she keeps her cool for a long time.  She raises her voice once but quickly defuses and tries to explain herself.  Of course Blake just keeps yelling, and eventually Yang decides to prove her point in the most dramatic way possible.

A fake knife!  I feel like it would be a holographic knife like we might find in Dream Theory.  It looks real but wouldn’t hurt anyone.

I also imagine that Yang got the knife from Maria, and that's why Maria has such a different view of who Yang is.  ‘Why would a Blackguard need a fake knife?’ Maria wonders.  Even if Yang comes up with a great excuse, that request by itself would raise suspicion.

That's also why Yang didn't show or offer Blake her second knife.  Because let's be honest - Yang’s crushing on Blake pretty hard.  As soon as she realizes Blake has a thing for nice knives, she would offer Blake any knife she wanted.  “Do you want this one, or this one?  You can take both if you want.  Or I'll buy you a new one - any one you want.  I’m not in love with you, I swear.”

Yang is so sweet...

The original end of Chapter 17 was going to be a little different - and more dramatic - and I actually still have it!  (Please keep in mind this is in pre-edited form.)

***

“You’re a cop.”

Blake’s heart stopped, but she looked at Yang and scoffed.

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t lie to me.”  Yang held Blake’s gaze.  “You’re a cop, you knew him.”

So many possible responses flew through Blake’s mind while she tried to find a way out of the accusation.  She scoffed again, and shook her head, but stopped short of saying anything.  As stupid as it was, she didn’t want to lie to Yang.

Instead, she said nothing and let Yang fill in the blanks.  She watched Yang’s eyes as realization filled them, followed by disappointment.

“That’s why…” she whispered before looking down and shaking her head.  She then pulled her knife from her belt, flipped open the blade, and stalked over to Blake.  Blake backed against the wall and flinched when Yang slammed the knife into her side.  She felt the betrayal, then confusion when it didn’t hurt more than just from impact.

Looking down, she found that she wasn’t at all harmed.  When she looked up in shock, Yang held up the knife and pressed the blade in with the palm of her hand.

Understanding what Yang was saying, tears of relief sprang into Blake’s eyes.  Sun wasn’t dead.  Yang hadn’t stabbed him.  She pretended to, then tossed him off the roof so he could get away.  She saved him.

“I always wondered why you liked me,” Yang whispered and, just like that, Blake’s relief disappeared.

“That’s not -”

“You’re an undercover cop,” Yang said with a sad smile.  “You would never choose to be with someone like me.”  Yang looked down at her hands before shaking her head and pushing the button to open the door.  She clearly wanted Blake to go.

Instead, Blake pushed the button to close the door, then pulled Yang into a rough kiss.  She then pulled slightly away and met Yang’s eyes, which were now filled with surprise.

“This has nothing to do with my mission,” she said before kissing Yang again.

She’d held herself back out of fear that Yang was actually like the rest of them.  She wasn’t.  She was here due to circumstance, and she’d learned how to survive.  But she still had her morals, her civility, and she did her best not to sacrifice them.

***

Yang was going to find out about Blake’s secret identity!

Knowing what the ending used to be, you'll probably notice that I left in a few instances where Yang looks at Blake and wonders what the heck is going on with her.  Those looks were supposed to suggest that Yang was figuring things out.  That Blake's reactions were too strong and obvious to someone who knew her well.

Yang’s thinking - why is Blake in tears over a cop when she’s supposedly a mercenary?  And Yang knows that Blake met someone during their day off, but Blake didn’t say who.  It wouldn't take much to connect those dots.

Plus, I just really wanted Yang to find out.  I thought that would be a good segue to them sleeping together for the first time.

Ultimately, it felt too soon and a little too flimsy.  Can you imagine the roller coaster this chapter would have been if it ended this way?  First, Sun being ‘killed.’  Then Yang figuring out Blake's identity.  Then finding out Yang only fake-killed Sun.  Then the two of them sleeping together.  That’s a lot of back and forth in a few thousand words.

So Yang doesn’t find out, but they did take their relationship to the next level - at just over the halfway point in the story too!  (I’m still oddly proud of that.)

On to Chapter 18, which marks our return to the “main” plot after a brief diversion (to save a small child and let Blake and Yang go on a date!  I think that was a worthy diversion).  But, as we all probably forgot, Blake’s supposed to be transcribing those old maps the Blackguards stole all the way back in Chapter 8 or something.

She has the most boring job on the ship.  No wonder we’re spending most of our time not focusing on it.

A small part of me thinks it would be fun to pore over ancient documents trying to figure out what they say.  Frustrating, maybe, but also a bit of a puzzle.  Like you piece some letters together then guess the rest of the word - that wouldn’t be too bad, right??

But we don’t need Blake to describe everything she’s doing (“And yet another ‘key’ is written here…”), so we get to hear her thoughts about Yang instead.  That’s what we’re all here for anyway, right?  (I know I am…)

There’s still a lot of story left so I don’t want to give away too much, but Blake offers one of the possible outcomes here.  If her mission goes as planned, the Blackguards get arrested.  This, presumably, includes Yang.

Blake doesn’t enjoy the idea anymore - a stark contrast to how she felt when she first joined the Blackguards.  Back then, she was lumping Yang in with the rest of them and getting name tags made for their inevitable prison cells (I wonder what prison is like in this universe…).

But there’s an alternative ending - if Blake convinces Yang to testify.  This happens in movies and TV shows all the time, right?  You just need to flip one person by offering them a reduced sentence, then you have enough info to pin the rest.

Can you imagine testifying against Adam and Cinder?  You better hope they get life sentences...and are sent to very, very secure facilities...and be ready to run for your life should you ever hear about a prison break.

Yang would probably be fine with it though.  She’s strong and courageous!  But, as Blake’s uncovering for us, she’s also a bit of a marshmallow on the inside.  That becomes all the more apparent when she’s embarrassed to ask for a hug.

A hug!  I’ll give her a hug, the poor thing.

I’m sure you caught when she said the last person she hugged was Ruby.  I don’t think I specified exactly how long the two of them have been separated, but we can guess that it’s been a while.  Years, even.  I’ve always considered Yang the most outwardly affectionate of the main RWBY characters, so for her to go without a hug for years is just...really sad.

What she doesn’t say, but that Blake somewhat stumbles upon, is that she hasn’t trusted anyone enough to hug them.  But she wants to hug Blake, meaning...she trusts Blake.

They’re so cute sometimes… (This just made me really excited for our next White Rose story, because Weiss and Ruby are also irresistibly cute!)

What I also like about this chapter is that their relationship has become more...equal.  At the beginning of the story, Yang’s bossing Blake around - or trying to - and Blake falls into her modus operandi of not following orders well.  That was something I had Sun mention in the first chapter just so we would know that Blake’s not great with doing things she doesn’t want to do.  Yang has learned that already, and accepted it too.  So she’s not as bossy, and much more willing to let Blake voice her own decisions.

When Blake brought up the possibility of Yang leaving the Blackguards, you probably noticed that Yang didn’t react with defense or suspicion.  She didn’t even ask why Blake would ask something like that.  I put that in because I wanted to show that Yang already understands why someone would want to leave the Blackguards.

How would she understand that?  Because that’s how she feels.  And if she feels that Blake is a decent person, as she most likely does, then she knows that Blake shouldn’t be there, and knows that Blake might want to leave.

The saddest part is that Yang doesn’t want Blake to leave, especially when she still feels trapped.  But hopefully that will change!  You never know what might happen in the next few chapters…

(I just looked at what’s going to happen in the next few chapters and oh boy.  We’re in for a doozy.)

Before signing off, I wanted to thank you again for all of your support!  I know this year hasn’t gone at all as planned, but I hope these stories have served as some sort of bright spot.  Writing them has definitely helped me survive the year in better spirits than I might have otherwise.

And the new RWBY volume starts soon!  Let’s hope for another great season, maybe with some character development and...romance?  (One can hope.)  I don’t plan on watching until we have a happy ending or a gay pairing, but I’ll keep informed through the inevitable gifs and screenshots I’ll see on Tumblr.

Also, I don’t plan on posting much besides Star-Crossed during the season, since there will be new episodes for everyone to digest each week.  Maybe some oneshots here and there, but it will be a mini holiday break for me!

Until next time,

Miko