Five Days at ShopSmart (Patreon)

[Oscar hires a massive security guard to crack down on shoplifting, but every day he's immobilized by a humiliating change]

MONDAY

Oscar showed up to work Monday morning without the pit in his stomach a new work week usually gave him. The Shopsmart employees were shocked when he came in with boxes of donuts, prancing through the aisles offering them to the exhausted men and women in their blue vests. “Whose birthday is it?” asked Maxine, the heavily-painted woman with the blonde bouffant at the makeup counter, but Oscar just laughed.

“It doesn’t need to be a birthday for you guys to enjoy a sweet treat!”

On his way to his office, he polished his “Assistant Manager” nameplate on his door and high-fived the, “Only YOU can prevent theft!” corporate poster hung on the wall. “Not just me!” he said to the poster, despite no one else being around. “We finally have the perfect way to deal with all those shoplifting dickheads!”

Their Shopsmart location had been preyed upon by a massive number of shoplifters, teenaged vandals and a surprising rise in violent outbursts amongst their customers. Oscar silently attributed the behavior to Shopsmart’s latest (shockingly high) price increase, but corporate suggested it was bad management. And since Geoffrey, the General Manager, was still out on paternity leave, that meant it was Oscar’s responsibility to deal with it (as well as his ass on the line with corporate).

That morning, his secret weapon arrived: his college roommate, Dakota. The big man had to stoop to enter Oscar’s office. Clearly, the specially ordered XXXL Shopsmart polo shirt was only barely able to contain Dakota’s rippling torso: the massive man’s body bulged in all directions and Oscar was sure he heard threads popping every time the giant man moved.

“Reporting for duty,” Dakota said in his deep voice. He banged his massive fists together and flashed a smile. In college, Dakota had been a 250 pound beast. Oscar remembered accompanying his giant buddy to parties, watching with amazement as fratguys and football players alike fell in line when the big brute raised his voice. Ten years later, Dakota seemed to have added at least 60 pounds of solid muscle to his already massive frame, plus a thick black beard. Oscar could smell him from six feet away, a warm sweaty musk mixed with spicy cologne.

“Wow… you’re bigger than last time I saw you!” Oscar said, hopping to his feet and gasping as Dakota’s big hand swallowed his.

“Yep. Over 300 pounds now. Still just as fast as ever.”

Oscar was transfixed by the rippling muscles in Dakota’s arms (as big as Oscar’s legs!), bulging every time he moved. “I… gotta introduce you to my team. They’re gonna freak. We’ve needed someone like you here for awhile. Thanks so much for taking the job, man!”

At that morning’s shift-meeting, Oscar introduced the new “Theft Prevention Specialist” to his lined up blue-vested team. “Dakota here has been a world-champion powerlifter, a competitive bodybuilder, as well as being trained in kick-boxing and hand-to-hand combat–”

“As well as ‘Threat De-escalation,’” Dakota interrupted. “Not every problem needs to be solved by these,” he said, flexing his biceps and bouncing them one at a time.

The shopsmart employees gawked at the towering behemoth. Those who weren’t slack-jawed were grinning: Shopsmart had become a warzone lately, but it seemed their days of harassment were coming to an end!

Dakota began his first shift by standing behind Ella, the elderly greeter, with his arms crossed to make his presence known. He nodded his head at the entering customers. “Hey!” he shouted to a man who breezed by the old woman, ignoring her. He grabbed the man by the arm and yanked him back. “The nice lady said hello. Say it back!”

The terrified man did as he was told, staring up at Dakota fearfully as he scurried away.

Later on, Dakota headed out to the parking lot to get rid of some skateboarders. “Guys,” he boomed. “Sign says no skateboarding. Find a park. Beat it.”

One of the teenaged punks shot him the bird, so Dakota, with breathtaking speed, yanked his skateboard from his hands and snapped it in half over his knee. “Anyone else want to ‘express’ themselves like this numbnuts?” he asked, but the teens all backed away, hands in the air.

Oscar watched it all from the security cameras in the office, overjoyed to see someone finally putting a stop to all of his workplace nightmares. He munched on leftover cupcakes as Dakota strutted around the store making sure customers were respectful, scaring away sticky-fingered kids eyeing up items they could pocket, and even helping an elderly couple take a large TV to their car, carrying the massive device overhead with ease.

Oscar lit up when his radio buzzed: “Oscar, some grubby guys are harassing Maxine in makeup.”

Oscar didn’t even have to reply before Dakota buzzed back: “On it, boss.” Oscar wiped frosting from his chin as he stared at the cameras: three guys in their twenties had Maxine backed against the shelves of foundation, one of them shouting something in her face while the other two laughed at her from behind them.

“Fucking savages,” Oscar said, shaking his head with pity for poor Maxine–but alas, her hero was already stomping through the store, on his way to toss the thugs out on their asses! From the look of his heavy-footed gait, Oscar expected to feel minor tremors as his big buddy barreled toward the threat. He cheered as Dakota grabbed the main thug by his scrawny neck and tossed him aside, then grabbed each of the others by their shirts and dragged them toward the door. “I gotta see this in person!” Oscar said, leaping to his feet and heading out into the store.

Oscar headed to the store’s entrance, eager to watch the three crumbums getting thrown to the pavement, but minutes passed and they never showed up. “Dakota, did you deal with those guys?” Oscar asked on the radio, but he heard no response. “Hey, Dakota, you okay big guy?” Still no response. Oscar did a quick lap around the store but the massive security head was nowhere to be found.

He froze as he approached the frozen food aisle and saw the three thugs casually yanking ice cream cartons from the freezers and smashing them on the ground. “Hey!” Oscar shouted. “Get the hell out of here!” As he approached the snickering punks, he radioed for Dakota again–still no response.

“Fuck this place,” said the head thug, swiping his greasy blond hair aside as he pushed past Oscar. The two others followed suit, leaving Oscar standing in the middle of the mess, as appalled shoppers walked by.

After calling for a cleanup, Oscar jogged through the store once more, heart-broken that his woes weren’t over. How could Dakota have failed him? At the entrance, he turned, but in Ella’s place was a withered old man that Oscar didn’t recognize.

The gentlemen, hunched over with a twisted back, waved a feeble arm as customers walked into the store. Oscar approached him, certain that he’d never hired this guy as a greeter.

“Excuse me,” he asked. “Where’s Ella?”

The old man squinted at him, the few wisps on his mottled head fluttering in the store’s air conditioning. “Ella? That nice old lady? She went on break, so I took over for her,” he said, his voice hoarse and crackly. Oscar noticed he was wearing a blue Shopsmart polo shirt, not a vest like most of the employees wore. He looked down to see the man’s nametag: DAKOTA.

“Your name’s… Dakota?” he asked. The man–who appeared to be 80, his arms and legs withered and veiny–smiled feebly.

“Yes, I’m… I’m Dakota. Nice to meet you!” he said, extending a gnarled hand.

At that point, Ella returned from her break. “Ella, who is this guy?” Oscar asked, still confused.

“Why, he was getting harassed by those mean men who gave Maxine trouble,” Ella said. “He seemed lost, but he clearly worked here, and folks our age only get hired as greeters, so I asked him to cover me while I went on break!” She paused, anxious. “Am… am I in trouble?”

“No, you’re good,” Oscar said. “Dakota, why don’t you come with me to my office.”

The man shuffled along with Oscar, creeping along with tiny footsteps. “Hope you don’t mind,” he groaned, “these old legs don’t move as fast as they used to.”

As they walked, Oscar noticed that this “Dakota” gentleman started to quicken his pace. His posture straightened. As they approached the “Employees Only” door, Dakota seemed to have grown a foot taller. He seemed only 60 now, nowhere near the ancient man he’d been as the walk started.

“What the…” Oscar asked as he watched the old man’s body plump up with muscles. He looked like an inflating balloon, his body expanding with dense mass as silver hair sprouted from his head. The silver hair turned black, his wispy beard darkening and getting thicker as well. Oscar’s jaw hung open as the transformation finished: the elderly man had become Dakota!

“Hey, uh… Oscar,” the normally confident brute said, looking around, confused. “I was, uh… what was I just doing?”

Oscar, unable to believe his eyes, suggested Dakota take a break. “I, uh… think I’m gonna drink a Bang, maybe do some pushups in the back room,” the mountainous man suggested. His usual aura of confidence was, for the first time in Oscar’s time knowing him, suddenly missing, as the giant lumbered away, shoulders slumped.

Oscar, too, needed time to process the impossible scene he’d just witnessed. Back in his office, He returned to the cupcakes, turning to the cameras, where he followed the recording of Dakota ejecting the thugs. Dakota seemed to be manhandling the three punks with ease until he got near the entrance, when all of the sudden Dakota released his grip, backed away, and then SHRUNK.

Oscar paused the video, rewound it, and watched again: his massive musclebound friend suddenly deflated, his limbs withering, his face covering with wrinkles. In an instant, the powerful man seemed to have aged over 50 years. The three punks seemed surprised by the change. At first, they revolved around him, bewildered, until they realized he was no longer a threat. Then, they taunted the confused old geezer, pushing him around until Ella approached and shooed them away.

Oscar saw a new e-mail from Geoffrey arrive: “Heard you hired a new security guy! Tell me how it goes.”

With a frustrated sigh, Oscar deleted the recording of Dakota’s mysterious transformation and marked Geoffrey’s e-mail as UNREAD once again.

TUESDAY

Oscar woke from bizarre dreams to the sound of his alarm pulsing angrily. He groaned and woke, trying to remember the weird images fading from his memory. It had all been work dreams, he recalled, but Dakota was every employee. Dakota was working as the greeter, wearing lipstick behind the makeup counter, chomping on gum as he swiped items across the scanner at the checkouts. But the store was orderly, peaceful. Oscar was happy to be there for once.

As he got out of bed, he saw an email from corporate questioning the report of $140 in lost ice cream from the day before. His dreamy tranquility faded and he felt a pit in his stomach again.

He sighed when he arrived and saw Dakota patrolling the aisles already. He gave a thumbs up to his huge buddy, and Dakota returned one. Oscar regularly left his office that day, unable to escape the anxious feeling that something was wrong with poor Dakota. At one point he watched the musclebound man calm down an angry woman at the Returns counter. Later, he happened to be walking by just as a vacuum cleaner toppled from the top shelf; Dakota caught it in one hand, saving the life of the mother and child underneath.

At no point did Dakota seem to be spontaneously aging, which was a relief. Could it have been a stress hallucination? Oscar was fine with the mystery as long as it was behind him and never came up again.

Just before he was about to clock out (and count the day “incident-free” for the first time in 18 months), Oscar’s radio buzzed. It was Taylor, one of the teenaged stockboys. “Oscar, some fat guy is just eating cookies right out of the package.”

“Well, as long as he takes the wrappers up to the front to pay for them, I’m fine with that,” Oscar said, shifting uncomfortably.

“He’s just throwing the wrappers on the ground. And he’s ignoring us.” Taylor had been talking about giving his two weeks lately, so Oscar knew there was no way he’d put in more effort than he absolutely had to.

“Dakota, did you hear that?” Oscar said into the radio. There was no response. Oscar’s blood went cold. “Dakota?”

After the second time Dakota failed to respond, Oscar was out on the floor, asking every sales associate, stocker and janitor if they’d seen their gigantic security head. They all said no, “...but some fatass is ripping up the grocery aisles.”

Plodding down aisle 9 on a motorized scooter was the “fatass” in question. The man looked to be over 400 pounds, his massive gut spilling over the sides of the scooter. He snatched a bag of powdered donettes from the shelf and opened them, eating them as his motorized chariot puttered along.

“Excuse me!” Oscar called as he approached, depressed that his dream of just sitting in his office doing paperwork all day had rapidly dissolved. “You’re going to pay for those, aren’t you?”

The man seemed to be in a fugue state, his beard full of crumbs as he chomped away with a blank-eyed stare. Oscar snapped in the man’s face and he didn’t respond. “Are you okay, sir?” Oscar asked. The man shifted his torso. As he moved, his left breast, so large it had flopped down over his gut, shifted. Oscar got a glimpse of a nametag underneath: it read Dakota.

“How… how…” Oscar said, suddenly noticing that he wore a blue polo as well (although it had expanded to cover the blob that was now his upper body). It was hard to believe, but this man, who looked so huge, his body nearly spherical, that he might not have been able to rise under his own power!

“Oh, hi, Oscar!” the man said, suddenly snapping out of his daze. He looked around, seeming confused. “I was… doing my rounds, and then… I got real hungry…” He ate another donette, chomping it into a powdery mess, seemingly unaware that anything had changed.

Suddenly, two men ran by with laptops tucked under their arms. “Wait!” Dakota said, spraying sugary spittle as he shouted. He reached down and shifted the scooter into its highest speed. “Stop! Security!” The scooter rolled along at about half a mile an hour as the thieves sprinted out of the store without incident. As the store’s alarms went off, Dakota continued to roll along, completely unaware that anything was amiss.

“Damn,” Dakota said as Oscar walked after him. “They got away.” He shook his head. “Gosh, I’m hungry.” He looked around for another snack.

“Dakota, wait,” Oscar said, reaching down and switching off the scooter. He heard Dakota’s ample belly, so wide and broad it was its own shelf, starting to gurgle.

“So… hungry… Oscar, I need food!”

Oscar shook his head. “Just… just hold up a second…”

Suddenly, the obese man opened his mouth and let out a roar of a belch, while meanwhile farting so hard Oscar could feel the vibrations in his leg. The assistant manager turned from his transformed buddy, repulsed, but the expulsions of gas continued for over a minute.

“What the…” Oscar said, more intrigued than sickened by the length of his bodily expressions. Suddenly, Dakota’s body started to compress like a balloon letting out its air. The obese man collapsed, finally ending his gaseous cacophony when he was his old large-and-muscular self. The rippling goliath hopped out of the scooter. He looked down at himself, flexing each of his muscles as if reassuring himself that they were still there.

“Damn. That was… odd… but I feel better now.” Dakota smacked a fist into the palm of his other hand.

“Dakota, what happened?”

The big man just shrugged. “No idea. One minute I was patrolling, the next…” He looked down at the scooter, unable to explain the rest of his story. He shrugged.

“Why don’t you get back to work,” Oscar said with a sigh. “I have some reports to fill out…”

Dakota suddenly grimaced, grabbing his ripped abdomen (all of his 8-pack visual through the skin-tight polo). “Ugh, think I’ve gotta go to the bathroom first…” He hustled away, clearing clenching his glutes as he tiptoed along.

WEDNESDAY

Oscar slept through his alarm, waking with a start at 10 AM–two hours after he was supposed to be at work. He puttered around his house, inventing a doctor’s appointment he would claim to have told everyone about already, but he was shocked when he saw a message from Geoffrey: “Coming in for a visit today! See you soon.”

Oscar was still tying his tie as he parked. He entered through a delivery door with his key, planning on acting like he’d been there the whole time. Luckily, just as he got to his office and sat down, Geoffrey walked in.

The heavyset man smiled at Oscar, who tapped away at his keyboard pretending to be hard at work. “Bossman!” he said, hopping up. “So good to see you! How’s the new baby? Family doing well? Did you get my edible arrangement?”

Geoffrey feigned a smile. “I’m only here for a bit. Just wanted to meet this big tough security guy you hired. I hear he’s a big fella!”

Oscar nodded. He grabbed his radio. “Dakota? You out there, bud?” There was no response. He got a pit in his stomach.

As they walked around the store, Geoffrey was kept busy by employees asking him about his baby. Oscar used that time to glance around, searching for his security head. He hissed into the radio, “Dakota, if you’re there, I need to hear from you… NOW.”

“Y’know,” Oscar suggested as they toured the store. “Now that I remember, Dakota had requested today off for a… uh, medical procedure.”

Geoffrey turned to him, raising an eyebrow. “He requested a day off and you didn’t schedule a replacement?” Geoffrey said, his friendly demeanor fading.

“Yeah, I, uh…”

Geoffrey suddenly froze as they approached the children’s toy section. The entire action figure aisle had been ransacked, with boxed figures scattered all around the floor. “Good god! When did this happen?”

“I’ll, uh… check the cameras…” Oscar said, but Geoffrey had already begun picking up the mess himself. Oscar ran to his side, assisting him.

“This is the kind of thing we need to stop,” Geoffrey lectured. “This is the reason corporate is considering shutting down this location! I need you to make sure this is just random chaos, and not theft. You’re going to need to catalog all of these and make sure there’s nothing missing. If we lose more product–”

Oscar stopped listening to Geoffrey. He had picked up a toy he didn’t recognize. The box read SHOPSMART SECURITY DOOF. The figure in the plastic packaging was a muscular, bearded man with a tight blue polo and a vacant smile, his wrists and ankles secured down by plastic twist-ties. The photo on the back of the box was a real image of Dakota himself!

“Says many unique phrases!” read the back of the box. “All those muscles won’t do him any good! This dumb oaf can’t even spell his own name!”

“Are you even listening to me?” Geoffrey snapped.

Suddenly, the figure in the box spoke with a buzzing, pre-recorded phrase: “I’ve got big muscles and a tiny dick!”

“What did that toy just say?” Geoffrey asked, still irritated.

Oscar put it behind his back. “Geoffrey, I absolutely agree this is serious and I promise I’ll get it all taken care of. No more days off for security. Promise! Trust me, if he were here you’d be VERY impressed–”

“But he’s not here,” Geoffrey said. “And I need to be able to finish out my paternity leave without being afraid of what you’re not taking care of here. Understood?”

“Got it!” Oscar said.

The boxed figure in Oscar’s hands buzzed, “Can you wipe my ass? My stupid muscles make it too hard!”

Geoffrey stared at the toy suspiciously, then stormed out of Shopsmart. Oscar buzzed Taylor on the radio: “I need that mess in Toys cleaned up, stat!” Then he went into his office and locked the door.

“I’m not a real man!” buzzed the toy. “Don’t believe me? Pull down my pants!”

“Dammit, Dakota, I can’t believe…” Oscar said as he pulled the box open. Despite its plastic joints and angular features, the figure looked exactly like Dakota. His abs were a button. Oscar pressed it.

“Oscar? What happened? Why are you so big? Why can’t I move? I–”

The voice suddenly cut out.

“Dakota? Buddy? What happened to you?” He pressed the button again.

“I heard a report of shoplifting in toys but before I got there I just… woke up in this box!”

“Can you move?” He pressed the button.

“I can’t move or talk when you’re not pressing my belly! If I find out who did this, I’ll–”

The tiny speaker cut out. Oscar stepped back, standing up the figure. With a shrug, he posed the little man with his arms bent like he was flexing his muscles. “I’ll figure out what’s going on soon as I can, buddy, promise.”

Hours later, after returning from cataloging all the toys missing from the action figure aisle, Oscar gasped when he saw a full-sized Dakota standing on his desk, flexing his muscles the way he’d been posed. “Are… are you okay?”

Dakota blinked, looked around, then fell to the floor in shock. “Oh fuck,” he said as Oscar struggled to help the heavy behemoth to his feet. “I didn’t realize I’d grown back!”

“Take the rest of the day off, big man,” Oscar said, clapping him on the back. “Just, go get a massage… go to the gym… do something that isn’t being frozen in place!”

Dakota nodded, rubbing his eyes, and walked out of the store, head hung in shame.

THURSDAY

Oscar was surprised Dakota showed up for work that day, especially since he went right back to doing his job without acknowledging the humiliating transformations that had occurred since he’d started there. Oscar approached his big buddy as he leered over a young-looking man trying to buy beer without an ID.

“Can we, uh, talk, big guy?” Oscar said. “In private?” He led his ape-sized friend into the automotive section. “It’s, uh… do you have any idea who’s doing all this stuff?”

“All what stuff?” Dakota said, shrugging his big shoulders.

“The, uh… the…” Oscar gestured wildly, unsure how to voice what he was talking about (and perplexed that Dakota clearly had no idea).

“Oh, you mean all the weird shit that’s been happening?” Dakota said.

“Yeah, like, is there… someone around all the time when it happens? Do you think it was one of the shoplifters?”

Dakota paused to think, placing a hand on his chiseled jaw. “Y’know, the only person I think it may be is–”

SPLAT! Dakota suddenly burst, his body exploding in a spray of blue gelatinous slime. Oscar was still shaking after it had happened. He gazed around at the mess, unable to reconcile that it was, seconds ago, his good friend.

Some of it got in his mouth. It tasted like blueberry.

“Uh, Taylor, I need a, uh… cleanup… in automotive… bring a mop.”

Oscar retired to his office where he toweled himself off. He changed into some cheap sweatpants he got off the rack, then returned to Taylor just as he finished cleaning up the mess.

“I’m officially giving my notice,” Taylor said, sneering at Oscar as he squeezed the slimy mop out one last time.

“Great, I’ll make a note,” Oscar said, staring into the bucket of blue goo. A few bubbles rose to the surface and popped. “Don’t dump this out. I’ll take it.”

He wheeled the mop bucket back to his office, then leaned down over it. “Dakota? Can you hear me buddy?”

A few more bubbles popped, but no further response. “Damn, we have got to figure something out.”

Suddenly, the mop bucket started to shake. It vibrated, then tilted back and forth before spilling the thick blue slime across the floor. Oscar watched, shocked, as it slowly formed into a single mass, formed arms, legs and a head, and then took on the color of flesh. Within minutes, it was Dakota again, lying on the ground.

“Whoa!” he said, getting up. His beard and hair were still sticky with blue slime. “The fuck was that…” He looked around. “I feel kinda…” He reached up, normally able to touch the ceiling but his hands fell short. “Am I missing parts of me?”

Oscar stared at the muscular man, shocked, but then remembered his clothes. He grabbed the bag of slimed garments and opened it up. The remaining viscous liquid slid out, rejoining Dakota’s body and filling him out to his regular size.

“That was insane,” Dakota said, patting down his body now that he was all in one piece once again. “It was like… I could feel all of my body, even though I was everywhere. I mean, I could feel the parts of me that had slimed all over your junk. I could feel being gooped up in your ass crack!”

Oscar snapped his fingers, trying to get the clearly shocked man to focus. “Listen, Dakota, we need to figure out who’s doing this to you. It’s obviously someone trying to take you out so they can run amok.”

Dakota nodded, processing the information. “Y’know, I have a pretty good feeling it’s–”

POP! Dakota had become a two-dimensional version of himself. The cardboard cutout stood upright for a moment before toppling over, lightly falling to the ground. Oscar grabbed the cutout, stared into its blank, printed-on eyes, then tucked it under his arm. “I’m taking a half-day,” he said into the radio. “Not feeling great. Be back tomorrow.” Oscar stormed out of the store, tossing the flattened man in the back of Dakota’s truck. He pulled a tarp over it, then got in his own car. “Hope he’s okay when he finally turns back,” Oscar said.

Three beers and a handful of sleeping pills later, Oscar fell asleep on his couch.

FRIDAY

Oscar woke at 4 AM, still groggy. He winced as he got up; he slept on his neck wrong, and now it was tight by his shoulder. He groaned as he tried to stretch it out.

“Security footage,” he blurted out in the bathroom as he drained out the booze and medication from the night before. “Fuck, if I scan the footage, I bet I might see who’s around every time Dakota changes!” He shuddered as he realized it could be anyone–even other employees! Many people were as disgruntled as Taylor. Maybe they really wanted to see the store fail?

With an iced coffee in hand, Oscar unlocked the darkened store. He hurried to the security panel, deactivating the alarm, then headed into his office. He had no idea where to start, but since he’d deleted the footage of Monday, he began scanning the cameras on Tuesday, around the time that Dakota had been transformed into an obese blob.

The task proved frustrating. All of his employees were always around whenever any of these things happened, and none of them seemed especially interested in Dakota. Taylor was nearby when he blimped out, Maxine and Ella were around when he got old…

Oscar flinched when he noticed the motion sensors in the store had gone off. “Dammit,” he said. Had he left the door open? He switched the cameras to the live feed. With the lights off, it was hard to see who it was, but someone was definitely inside wandering through the aisles!

The panel to activate the lights was just outside his office door. While he dialed 911 on his phone, he crept outside and threw the master switch. Oscar tiptoed into the store, careful not to stray too far from safety. “Whoever’s out there, I called the police!” he shouted. He heard some shuffling, a crash down one of the aisles, but he couldn’t make out who it was.

“Fuck this, I’m hiding in my office,” Oscar said, but as he turned, he crashed into what he thought was a brick wall–but in fact was Dakota, standing there in uniform. “HOLY SHIT, Dakota, you scared the shit out of me!”

“I saw that the alarms went off,” Dakota said. “I get alerts, because I’m security head. Didn’t realize it was you messing around in here.” Dakota crossed his enormous arms, a stern look on his face.

“It’s not just me,” Oscar said. “Someone else is out in the store?”

“And you want me to help you out?” Dakota said, tapping his foot.

“I mean… why wouldn’t you?”

“I don’t know,” Dakota said, leaning forward and looming over Oscar, truly showing off the size difference. “Maybe because somebody left me as a cardboard cutout in my truck and just took off.”

Oscar’s mouth went dry. “Dakota, I promsie, we can deal with that… I apologize… but there really is someone in the store!”

“Oh, goodness!” said a voice. “I’m so sorry gentlemen!” It was Maxine, chomping gum and walking with her hands held limply in front of her to display her huge purple nails. “I didn’t mean to cause a whole ruckus out here!”

“Maxine, what the hell are you doing here at 4 AM?” Oscar asked.

“Well, y’know, I left my purse here, and I just thought of it… needed to get some groceries, and when I got here, the door was open! So I just, y’know, came in…”

Dakota shook his head. “I think we should all take off now, so we can lock up the store for good.”

“Actually,” Maxine said with a wink, “I was wondering if we could discuss that assistant I’ve been asking for?”

Oscar, the adrenaline gone from his system, started to succumb to his fatigue again. “I… assistant? When did you ask for an assistant?”

“At the Christmas party, and then two months ago, and both times you said you’d help me out,” Maxine said. “I’ve been working at this Shopsmart for fifteen years, and you said I definitely deserved the extra help…”

Oscar shook his head. “I… Maxine, I’m sorry. With all the theft, and the vandalism and stuff… I’ve been distracted.”

“What about your big buddy back there?” Maxine said with a wink. “Big handsome guy like you, with a few adjustments, would make a LOVELY makeup consultant?”

Oscar turned to his gargantuan friend but in his place stood a skinny, effeminate man just over 5 feet tall. “Oh em GEE!” he said, placing a hand against his skinny chest. His security uniform had shrunk to fit his new form. “What just happened to me? How’d I get so… petite and… slender?” He seemed as shocked at the words coming out of his mouth as he was at his skinny frame and his painted nails. Oscar assumed that the now shaven-faced man was unaware of the many layers of makeup now caked on his face.

“Not so skilled in hand-to-hand combat anymore are you?” Maxine said, blowing a bubble and biting it. “No, you’ll be a pretty little makeup counter boy from now on.”

“But I… I don’t know anything about…” Dakota’s eyes went wide. “...makeup. Oh em GEE, gurl… I know so much about makeup!” He shivered as the knowledge must have flooded his brain.

Oscar stared at his transformed friend, whose discomfort with his new identity seemed to be evaporating by the moment. “Maxine… were you…?”

“We need a change in management here,” she said with a wink. “You’re just not right for the job. I’ve been pushing Geoffrey to hire ME as his assistant for awhile, but he said we just needed to wait you out. He was SURE you’d end up leaving sooner or later, either on your own or because corporate pushed you out!”

Dakota sashayed over to Maxine’s side, one petite hand on his hip as he smirked back at Oscar. “Ooooh, OSCAR, you are in TROUBLE, girl!” the formerly massive hulk tittered at him.

“But I thought of something better,” Maxine said. “You really want to work here, and security is so important to you…”

Oscar felt a tingling all over his body. Something was happening… he felt like he was… rising? No, his feet were still on the ground! He heard his tendons popping as his limbs lengthened. He groaned as he felt heavier every moment. Then it was over… and he looked down at a shelf of pec muscle he couldn’t even see past.

He was wearing a blue polo. He had a security radio in his hand. He felt the stores keys jingling heavily in his pocket.

“Oh WOW, gurl!” little Dakota said. “He got HOT! Look at all those MUSCLES!”

Oscar groaned as he flexed his newfound biceps. He took a step, shocked to see how wide and bulky his legs were. But worse than the physical changes was the fog flowing into his mind. He blinked, confused, as he knew he was supposed to be mad at Maxine for something… and Dakota, the new makeup boy, didn’t use to be like that, did he? But all his worries just vanished. He looked around, feeling confused, and then relaxed.

Why was he at work so early? Oh yeah, the alarm went off. He got a message at home because he was the new security guy.

“Now, isn’t that better? You can still work here, AND you can take care of all that theft and shoplifting! And look at all those handsome muscles? I bet you’ll enjoy having those,” Maxine taunted. “I had to dim that intelligence quite a bit. Can’t have you jabbering that you know I’m a witch, can I?”

Oscar blinked. None of this made sense. All he knew was, the store was secure. He had to clear the premises and go home.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, sweetie,” Maxine said as Dakota got into the blue Subaru his truck had changed into. “And you, Steve, I just KNOW you’ll do a great job as the new security head! Wait until Geoffrey meets you? We’re just gonna tell him you’re the guy that Oscar hired before he abandoned his post. Sound good?”

He looked down, noticing a nametag on his polo: Steve. His name was Steve.

“Sounds good!” he said, although he was more than a little confused. But it was 5 AM, time for his morning gym session before he went to work. He had a whole day of cracking down on shoplifting ahead of him!