19. (Patreon)

19.

It’s 21;28, I just woke up. I went to lie down around 5pm to read my book. It’s not something I have done in a long while. The photographer I used to live with left a book on dealing with anger from a heart centred place. I’m less into self help these days, I feel my healing journey is well trodden and behind me. After an intensely hormonal week where I blazed fire and burnt bridges, the book looked up at me and i picked it up for a read. I closed the bridge with the shamen I worked with here on the island who recently came to me terrified and asking if I would cover for him. It turns out his healing work here on the island is not legal and he had suspicions after handling a situation at the ceremony badly with one of the attendees, that he was under police investigation. Personally, despite my gratitude for the plant medicine that brought great change to my life, I feel it’s time for him to man up and stop hiding behind his privilege; namely excessively rich and powerful parents whose name he has used throughout his life to get out of every situation he has got himself into. In his youth that was allowing drugs at parties, and now that he has found his way onto a more holistic path, he’s using the same tactics to get out of illegally supplying plant medicines that actually do good. Unfortunately one of the students was not ready for this experience and it sent her off the wall. It’s of her own choosing to be honest. I hate to be harsh, but medicine like this is not a walk in the park, if you want a joy ride, go smash a car. This path is the hero’s journey. A chance to face your worst fears and your ugliest shadow sides of yourself, walk through the fire and hear the best and worst of yourself and return with the most empowering knowledge to make long lasting change. Since this journey I am eating meat and fish again. I am not following all the advice, otherwise I would have ditched all white products, such as white bread and cakes. I know I am slow to listen. 

I must have fallen asleep. I must have needed it. Who knows how much energy my body is using up during my bleed. Like I said in my authenticity vlog; I’m not one of those women who smear their blood onto paintings, or make face paints with it. For me I am still in resistance. Periods are painful. Periods get in the way. I have to rest when I want to work. My emotions rage like a bull at a bullfight. Every small trigger feels like the bull provocated by the red flag. 

I also fell out with Jonny. We had plans to work together and I was so excited. I was under the impression it was a shared desire that we could work together, me as creative and muse, and him as filmmaker, to build an amazing empire. Patreon covers my basics, but I earned a better living teaching Pilates and in that career I did not have to reveal nearly as much of myself. Not that I have to; I choose to continue on this path of authenticity, transparency and vulnerability, because that is my chosen subject, as an artist, creative and human.

At times I feel resistance to produce more content for a small group of followers that drop in and out, leaving me to go without a means of transport as I reveal everything from my body, mind and soul through words , photos, vlogs and artistic videos. At times I even feel resentful. I go to great lengths to produce content, excited to reveal new music videos and projects I have worked on with other photographers and filmmakers, only to receive one like and not a single comment. I leave feeling deflated and lacking the motivation to make more. Who cares? No one comments. I feel invisible.

That is why I have been working tirelessly these last few weeks, firstly to find a place I can afford on my small budget, and secondly to work on a second means of income that does not demand so much of myself emotionally, in which I can make money while I sleep, kind of. The reality is it’s a lot of work like anything worth pursuing. The course I am studying promised one hour a days investment, but the truth is it’s more like 2 or 3 hours plus, and if you get behind….like I did, to get back on track, I’m looking at 6 hours a day, and today I only managed about an hour and a half, although in reality it was longer because I stop to take care of other things in between like uploading photos, taking my bath selfies, dealing with a phone contract, replying to a friends audios about friends not treating her well, whilst thinking, why are you pining after these people? I rarely get a meetup. It’s funny to me how we value those we have to chase, and dismiss the ones who are here, happy and willing to see us. Some kind of perverted psychology.

I am working all the time, whether it’s studying, coming up with ideas, mentoring or posting on Patreon. I’m not getting paid for the mentoring yet, it’s kind of a long term aim, and a plan to create new content here in July, but I’ll be revealing that soon.

On the other hand, since moving into this apartment, which I can feel has been tended to with love and care, I feel more at home than I have in a long while. I feel like retreating into my cave and being with myself alone. I have everything I need if I could just rent a car for the day to fill my fridge up with food and buy some economic cat litter. The local shop is far too expensive. My daily treat is a latte for 1 euro 20, although it’s not ‘proper’ coffee, it’s something out of a machine with those kind of George Clooney style coffee tabs, I enjoy my interaction with the kiosk owner, who always seems pleased to see me and I choose on this occasion to take it personally, because I need to feel appreciated by my first human interaction of the day. 

With my ‘latte’ I sit by the sea and watch the waves. The kids play in the sand, some Albanian guy chats me up.and tries without success to light my cigarette, the wind is too strong.  I’m told these men that hang out here are not the savouriest type of men. I find the kind of people that flock to Gozo are in deep contrast to its beauty; ex-gangsters, mafia, the worst kind of tourists, layabouts that call themselves conscious hippies. But of course, like everywhere there are some good people. I just see a more realistic perspective of the island of Joy, after living here for just over a year and a half. The idealistic view I had of the locals has been replaced with resistance to their lack of transparency and their ability to lie to your face, whilst staring you straight in the eye.

It’s 22;06 now. Curious how long it took to write these last words. I guess I can get up now. I’m well rested for now after my extended nap. Might as well get back to work. I had uploaded a Vlog earlier, now I need to edit it, which is to check it over for sound and light and add titles, then I upload it to Vimeo, being careful to check the settings so that my content is only available to patrons only, and then from there I upload it to Patreon. 

After this, I will return to my Click Funnels homework. I’m going to offer a free Ebook. I'm beginning to blast through the first pages and yesterday it was pouring out of me. I must have written 7 pages in one go. It’ll need tidying up, but after the free Ebook the plan is to produce an audio course and a video course, most of which I have written. But now that I have fallen out with this filmmaker after our egos clashed, I will need to turn to someone else for technical help with filming, or do it myself. I feel relieved to have dropped his work from my schedule, yes, I was going to have an acting job that sounded exciting, but it turned out his preferred way of working was akin to Gordon Ramsay, and I don’t work for anyone, I collaborate as equals or not at all. And i definitely don’t allow anyone to treat me like a €20 an hour bit model, whilst they keep the thousand dollar profits for themself.  Anyway, that’s a story for another time, but something else I am working through as a woman, is garnering respect from people, and resolving to myself that if it is not there, as much as I have tried to be available to love everyone without hesitation, I am learning the hard way, that so many of those so called friends I devote my loyalty to, don’t have a care in the world for me. I would rather be alone.

So happy am I in my cave, sitting here on my laptop, on my single bed, the mosquito net around me making me feel like I’m in some kind of Princess tent. I woke up thinking that maybe, regardless of the lack of interaction from my patrons and the pledges that go in and out like the tides, maybe I will share my life with you more full time, so that the content on all my different tiers is not so higgledy piggledy. I uploaded my bath selfies today because the editor is 5 days late in delivering some simple lighting edits for my latest outdoor nude pics. But then my Vlogs from a few days ago have not been uploaded yet, and that sets the order out of date. Do I upload those videos where I was worn down and a little bit nuts, or do I just delete them, because now it’s old news, some days have passed since then and I don't feel in the same mood. I wish I had someone to pass my content onto, so I did not have to be responsible for making these decisions, I’m an artist. I’m not efficient with time management on that score. Maybe someday, I’ll have someone who will do exactly that, but for now I must manage that alone until I am back in the position to pay someone for that kind of administrative support.I guess these things are sent to strengthen us right?