2am Selfie (Patreon)

I rarely take selfies, but tonight I was like, wow I really like the way my boobs look. Followed by the voice in my head which said "oh my god, what would people think? I am being so shallow"

I don't mean what would YOU  think.

I mean what would People AKA The Haters think?

The people that I am always worrying about being judged by. But here's the thing. The people that judge you DON'T LIKE YOU! So why would you invest a fraction of your energy trying to please or impress them? THEY DON'T LIKE YOU ANYWAY.

BUT that's what I do. I worry about the haters more than I worry about those that love me.

Ironically OF COURSE , those that love me, don't care what I do. They certainly don't judge it. 

As I return to building my coaching business, which I let drop in favour of Patreon, my biggest fear is WHAT IF PEOPLE ASK TO SEE MY PATREON PAGE? No one will want to have coaching with me if they see I do NSFW content!

The other day I shared my page with someone I felt I had built up some trust with, and later she told me she had looked at my YouTube channel and that it wasn't her thing, and I should only share my body with my boyfriend or husband. That's her story. That's her belief, judgment, conditioning, point of view, whatever you want to call it. That's her idea of success and how to be successful. You do THIS but you don't do THAT.

I have to admit that I myself am not fully on board with what I do, because i never intended to be a NSFW content creator. It's not really something I am proud of, it's something i am exploring. I am exploring getting to the point where I am completely free of judging myself. And that means all those voices in my head that worry what others think, have to be drowned out. I think I am getting there. I would like to have more fun. I would like to be really wild and free. 

My ex lover accused me of being shallow because I enjoyed my surprise birthday party, he believed that I was just looking for external validation. In a way I was, but not in the shallow way he was talking about. My friend organised that party because she wanted me to KNOW and FEEL that I was loved, that people cared for me. His comment did a lot of damage because after that, I started doubting how people felt about me, and it really soured such an amazing experience. He has recently returned to the island since Covid and I have to be honest, I am not exactly chasing him to meet up. I want to surround myself with those that love me, not criticise and judge me. I have spent too much time in my life, terrified of what people think, mainly because I want them to like me, I want to be popular...and the reality is those people don't like me anyway. They don't invite me out, they don't include me in their plans, so who cares what they think?

The important thing is what I think. What do I think about this picture? I think it's funny. I think that in 30 years from now, I'll be able to look back and go "Oh my God, yes! I used to take naked pictures and videos of myself to stop judging myself!!!" and I will probably belly laugh at how ridiculous that is, that I went through all that, to find self acceptance, and I will laugh that I worried so much and that I worried some more.

And maybe i'll still be getting naked....and now the me now is belly laughing!!!!!!

Good night or morning, I should try and sleep now. I have a filmmaker friend coming over at 9am to teach me some editing skills!!!

Suze

p.s. welcome to my new $20 Patron!