Home Artists Posts Import Register

Content

Hold that thought. I only get one opening move. The wrong play ruins the entire year. It’s time for elite tactics.

God, I’m terrible at tactics. Pure option paralysis, like a nominee in a playground. I only remember what two of these cards mean. They taught strategy at Princeton, but stopped at “mention Princeton.”

Mulligan.

Now these, I remember. Deluxe madness. Perfect kickoffs for the Reverse Enlightenment. Or the Normal Enlightenment, if you count life outside salons. They missed a few pamphlets in Salem. And Kingston. And the salons. Patriots defended cholera’s bond with drinking water from Woke.

Crowdsourced Sex Ed sounds perfect. While teaching and writing get harder with more people involved, sex goes places. Spectacle’s our last art, refined by fake combat sports and pro wrestling. What’s this bedroom disaster look like?

Yes. A doomed premise at idiot length for a disinterested audience. I’ll skip talking up or putting down my sex life. It doesn’t matter. These tips sound equally useless for Aphrodite and Maher.

This could be glorious.

And it is. Finally, lines teaching teens codependence before long division. Yet despair koans are just one flavor. For each misfortune cookie, there’s a classic, grounded lie.

“Forever. On my homeworld.”

Fair play if your Lyft’s outside, but I wouldn’t call this club classic a protip. Or publish it nationwide. Like most party standards, it lacks subtlety, and feels a bit stale.

Then there’s the nonsense.

Zany, for a one-word prompt. And hopefully more insult than excuse. While reactions to latex and fluid exist, this says you have neither. Your blind date just mixes Frollo’s mind and Quasimodo’s teeth.

A fine opinion to hold and act on. You’re allowed! Insanity’s thinking snappy lines are the hard part, instead of tears, insults, or death. As if the right excuse turns Elliot Rodgers into a couple’s therapist. Or at least a more interesting shooter, like whoever unloads this week. I lied about spectacle: gunplay is our greatest art. We only got one gold for it, since our finest athletes are in cells, graves, or blacksites.

Blame my perfect recall of Necron royalty, but I’d rather be called unfuckable. Why dance around the issue? In fact, I’d rather call someone unfuckable and start running. This one’s below replacement value for random syllables, which scare off most suitors. The first person to speak in tongues dodged a grabby priest.

This line’s for students, but ages well. Every year out of the house highlights that you’d rather nail anyone else alive. Or that your very armed, very insane father is near.

Confusion is your ally, and this opens a universe of questions. Which coach? How involved in team sex lives are they? Should we find Ice T? By the time they reach question two, you’ve fled to a better party.

I hope science never cures my defect. 101 Ways to Say No to Sex made me forget the boiling seas for ten entire minutes. I’ve shown my whole family, and not for porn reasons. The list’s a smile on bright yellow cardboard. It’s my opening move on good dates, and closing move on bad ones.

Why’s this pamphlet a shooting gallery? Easy: we’re mocking children.

101 Ways to Say NO to Sex hails from ETR, a nonprofit that fights Degrassi subplots. And, at a glance, keeps stock photography alive. Their site evokes a bank for teens, while this brochure resembles a preteen credit union. Though I suppose it’s never too early to start building debt.

Normally, I’d call this a brave failure. Writing’s hard, teaching sex pest defense makes sense, and the war on windmills is eternal. It’s easier to get a flamethrower than an abortion, so I’m down to give condom-instruction classes some rope.

But there’s some fine print.

ETR claims students wrote this. As in a captive audience guiding a handout born to be mocked. At best, this list is equal parts rumor, non-effort, and sabotage. At worst, it’s a lonely, lying adult. As an optimist, I’ll assume non-effort.

We’ve seen advice lists implode with less anonymity and better incentives, so I’ll thank the editor. Laughter holds my psyche and body together, and 101 Ways to Say No to Sex added weeks to my life. Now I’ll try to be an adult.

Let’s step back, put our kid gloves on, and build the class up a little. How’s this list kick off?

Good job, team. Let’s call it here.

Fine, the Jesus version of “no.” You can stop.

Ah, right. The other hundred. I get gunning for extra credit, but simplicity is really the–

Are you writing a musical? Wait, no, that’s fine. That’s a normal line of modern human speech. Sing it if you have to. But sticking to “no” might–

I think I get it. Netflix and Platonic Cuddling must be an expression somewhere. But to avoid a negotiation…will Nancy’s ghost sue if we bite “Just say no?”

The problem’s never your material. This isn’t the Apollo. You can strum a party-killing ukulele and belt a “WAP” cover where every word is “no,” and a good human still leaves. You can copy your rejection from a mortgage lender, especially if their credit sucks. The issue is your audience.

Okay, bad material’s possible. Try improv before advice from nonprofits. At least you’ll have context, instead of cliches mined from dumber children. Nonprofits have three skills: begging, and two other things.

…Maybe teenagers didn’t write this. Some lines stand out like undercover cops on train platforms. You know, the guys in “I <3 Crime” hoodies. As a subaltern criminal, their caricatures are insults.

I’m not crazy, right? There’s a thumb on the scale?

Nah, I’m crazy. This came out in 2012, the premiere of Super Mario, the shorthand all Gam3rZ used while hacking trickshots. Carry on.

Right on, student explaining their feelings in their words.

I feel safe stomping on this again. If most/any/even one of these quotes were kids, they’re on their second divorce. They’ll live.

Elite psychic judo. You’re not trapped in an emotional prison with them–they’re misquoting Alan Moore with you. The entire arc of a Bible Study courtship in one sentence. The “baby shoes, never worn” of one-week trysts.

All of the aggro lines deliver. On insanity, not utility. Sure, they fit the episode of Euphoria the bored child/confused adult sat through. But as default advice? They’re wild.

And again: if Casanova Jr. sucks this much and you’ve got an exit route, do specifics matter? Call them Johnny MicroPenis. Say you have to get home before your junk turns back into a pumpkin. Say that you were never real, and this is all Johnny’s dying dream on the operating room table. Tell Johnny to fight to live. Fight! You have decades of harassment to live for, Johnny! Stop browsing brilliant web comedy and FIGHT!

We’re way too attached to this phantom relationship. The cover says “being firm about saying no,” but the interior says “Please don’t leave me.” The second brochures enter a relationship, it’s over. You’re waving paper at an ex.

“Sure! Before we have sex, right? I’m still after sex. Nothing’s changed. What’s with the pamphlet?”

Fair. But you’ll need another line in seconds. Most applicants have alternatives in mind. Try 48. It’s honestly not the worst way to explain asexuality to Johnny Bravo.

Be warned: this inspires an instant piss-weak comeback. They’ll leave the conversation assuming they’ve won. An experience slightly less frustrating than kidney stones.

Decent in context. Not too helpful for all the other times and places on Earth. Memorizing more sounds complicated: if only we had a flexible, one-morpheme word.

You can use this once. But if you repeat it each time, you’ll sound like a Pokemon.

I’m torn. This should be enough, but ignoring it seems to be a DC career rocket. Avoid it around PoliSci types, I suppose.

I wonder what I’m looking for, in the abyss. Maybe there’s a better world on the other side.

What a silly suggestion! I’ve forgotten the stakes again, thanks for that. I’m back under the fuzzy, safe blanket of comedy.

Incredible. But I’m a joke writer and unreformed ironist, so try again.

Somehow, better. Not for avoiding drama or danger. But for elevating it to soap opera status? Graduate-level escalation. ETR gave students the tools to thrive. Not survive, but thrive. Inventing exchanges like this makes you a Reddit superstar.

Fair tilt at a doomed target. I’m going back to genocidal hackwork, but I appreciate the break.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: SEEEID, who knows 101 ways to say no, but not 102.

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM

Comments

Bonnybedlam

Bullying dead people is my new favorite tag. Hoping to see it often.

Jeff Orasky

#103: Hell no!

Vooster

I find that explaining the entire spectrum of asexuality/aromantic and exactly where I fall on it is a pretty good way of avoiding sex. (Seriously though, I have never been in a situation where I've been pressured or felt immediate danger, which is a blessing. I'm glad Dennard brought up the stakes here)

Scribbler Johnny

Nancy, Throat GOAT Reagan: Just Say No.

Matthew Harris

Well now I am in stopped clock territory, because I can understand the entire teaching healthy boundaries thing, but also a lot of these seem to be coming with a big side of shame and evasiveness, so is there a determining factor whether I should like this or hate this?

Skebotron

1 Ways to Say No to Laser Doom (brought to you by The Herculoids)

The Parallel Viewmaster

A lot of these responses can be summed up as 'Not a good time, ask again soon'. Which is fine if that's your intention, but if you don't want sex at all with that person, you're just making the problem worse over the long term. Just go with 'no', or if you're too much of a wimp to even do that, a nice friendly 'Sure- you don't mind genital warts, do you?' will get the job done.

FancyShark

Full-volume shrieking also works, but may not translate to advice when written

Swift Justice

104: I don't have genitals.

Devon the Rogue Supreme

Possibly not related to this pamphlet, but sometimes I wonder if teaching kids to say no is something the powers that be don’t want because it’ll inevitably lead to the uprising against said powers that be. I don’t know what kind of world I’m in where basic concept of choice is now considered knowledge harmful to the oligarchy, but it ain’t a good world for sure.

David Conner

You can be sure you'll get a fair trial from Slamtown's finest jurist, Judge Johnny Courtroom.

Johnny Sharp

God dammit Dennard, as I was scrolling back up to see which one #48 was, I thought "there's no way this punchline is worth rereading all these terrible lines". The second I saw the word "allergic" I laughed out loud. You win.

Bonnybedlam

One time when I was about 19 a guy wouldn't get off me in a car in a fairly public space and I panicked and screamed, "It's the beating of his hideous heart!" I'm not sure if my advice is to quote 19th century gothic literature, or become temporarily insane, but either way it worked.

sissyneck

thank you my personal tip is putting on that jermaine stewart song and start nodding and clapping and your seducer will grin roofully and join you in groovin and prancin, on a rooftop possibly

Jeff Orasky

You can still do hand and mouth stuff. Sounds like a "maybe" to me!