Nerding Day: New Adventures of Mega Man, Part 2 🌭 (Patreon)

When we last left the heroes of New Adventures of Mega Man, Capcom’s officially endorsed Mega Man comic for all of Brazil, Mega Man and Mega Man X briefly stopped trying to fuck their increasingly naked sister just long enough for the author to declare war on Capcom and all of the comics industry.

That was two issues. That all happened in two issues!

It was magical. Jose Pereira, the author of this five-issue run, showed up to the office Christmas party in a mini-skirt, told off the boss, tried to nail the secretary on top of Santa, then set the building on fire while still inside it. And they gave him three more issues!

He didn’t even get fired! He quit! He’s my hero and he should be yours, too.

Anyway, I hope that recap helped you get back into the New Adventures of Mega Man headspace. You got it all?

Good. Now blow it out your ass.

Fuck you for even paying attention to it. It will not come up again.

The comic now takes place in Sao Paolo, and this is the very first page of issue #3:

Pereira spent the entire first issue clumsily worldbuilding a Mega Man comic from shit his drunk roommate almost remembered about Krion Conquest. Then he ditched the entire thing in issue 2 in favor of getting hilariously fired as hard as anybody ever has.

He somehow failed at that.

He still had a job! Nobody foresaw this! This is like crashing that boat in the Suez canal and then, when it’s all over, your boss tells you to come in early for work tomorrow.

You would have other plans! Probably for suicide!

But no, Jose Pereira still had a job to do, and that job was to make everybody regret giving him a job. He started by once again throwing everything away, and opening issue #3 with Mega Man X on a nationlistic rant about Sao Paolo.

I’m not sure why we’re bothering with the modesty of those little leaf codpieces - you will see full on Roll titties before this issue is out.

Mega Man X, attempted sister fucker and successful murderer of millions - that’s canon! That’s officially-licensed, Capcom endorsed Mega Man canon! - is trying to gaslight his sister about the glory of Brazil, but she’s having none of it because she got on the internet once, so she knows the truth.

I’ve long said that people who prefer Mega Man X to the originals are fascist pigs who should be first against the wall when revolution comes, but now I have proof! Officially licensed proof!

I know what you’re thinking: “How can Roll’s titties grow in every panel?” and “When did we start carefully rendering her bare nipples through her shirt?”

But I know what else you’re thinking: “At least X and Roll being at odds means one less robot trying to bang his cybersister.”

Don’t you get sick of being wrong all the time?

We are, holy shit, just five pages into issue #3 and one of our main characters has gone so Bolsonaro it’s a wonder he doesn’t have robo-COVID, only briefly pausing his jingoistic manifesto to confirm to nobody that he would totally still bang his sister, even if she’s wrong about the importance of historical accuracy and trusting the internet.

Wait, hold on-

I know we’ve seen her strip in front of her brother, half-drowned in quicksand, and cheerfully dismembered just so we could hit every one of Mississippi’s most popular PornHub searches, but do you think Roll is sexy enough?

I know she’s wearing an open shirt with no bra and two pages ago 90% of the pencils went to the shadows around her nipples, but I feel like the raw sexuality of this character, who is a child in the video games, has not been fully expressed.

That’s the 10th Roll wardrobe change of the first three issues of New Adventures of Mega Man, each one with 80% less fabric. She looks like a Rob Liefeld Good Try™. He’d get a lollipop, a smiley-face, and eight million dollars for that gender-swapped DeviantArt Shatterstar.

But I know what’s happening here. I know ‘90s anime rules. I was there. I know when a woman gets metal titties and her body starts devouring her thong, that means she’s about to kick some ass. I know that.

The Mega Men don’t.

We once again pause the action so both iterations of Mega Man, then-flagship characters of Capcom, can carefully explain to a woman why she’s useless.

Roll doesn’t listen, and we get another reminder that “sister” doesn’t mean something else in Megalese - these people are family, they want to fuck each other, and they’re definitely actually related.

And if, hold on-

I did promise you Roll’s full and bare breasts this issue. I’m sorry, I almost forgot.

Now, my Portuguese is terrible - I can basically only say “do you want to see the sister’s robot titties, and then have some delicious potato and cabbage soup?” but apparently that’s all I need to make the Letters to the Editor Page.

Back to the action-

Fuck! We missed the action!

Now it’s time for Mega Man X to, of course, accuse the original Mega Man of White Knighting, call his sister a whore, and then once again reiterate that all women are good for is domestic upkeep.

Oh shit! Is that…?

That’s an evil robot!

Fuck yes, we’re going to do Mega Man stuff! That robot looks like his theme is uh…

What is that armor supposed to be? Maybe race cars? Race Man? That’s a worrisome handle. What are those, robot anuses? I’d almost prefer Gape Man to Race Man. Seriously, what is that evil robot’s theme? We need to know so we can predict his attack style!

He’s Mayor Man?

He’s Mayor Man!

Holy hell, I kind of forgot who we were dealing with here. I think Jose Pereira is my new favorite insane idiot and you’re reading that on this site, so you know what these stakes are. He put precisely one evil robot in his Mega Man run, and it’s the fucking mayor of Sao Paolo - a corrupt socialist! That’s how unwilling he is to do any Mega Man shit whatsoever. The evil robot isn’t even named Something Man, as tradition demands. Maludijan is a portmanteau of three actual mayors of Sao Paolo, just so Jose Pereira can libel and then kill three real politicians on one page.

But not before Mayor Man destroys Roll using his special weapon: Electoral Missiles.

Maybe that’s a pun that doesn’t translate from Portuguese, or maybe we have prior proof that you literally can’t pay Jose Pereira to give a shit, so it’s probably that.

But don’t worry! Roll isn’t totally dead. We established that she can be erotically dismantled in a manner that you cannot prosecute for -- every Jose Pereira’s fantasy.

She hasn’t been killed. But she has been reduced to “just a box.”

That’s a little on the nose, even for the comic featuring the evil robot mayor of Sao Paolo’s Electoral Missiles.

And hey, if having a beloved video game protagonist explode a chimera of politicians the author doesn’t like isn’t a weird enough right wing political jab for your taste, have I got a meanwhile for you!

So the villains, not previously mentioned, have a big evil plan and it’s to open a portal to alternate dimensions so they can... preach the virtues of their belief systems? This is just interdimensional Mormonism. That’s the worst thing Pereira can think of: Women with agency who disagree with him politically being allowed to talk.

But wait, they want to spread the word of communism to dimensions who haven’t heard of it, but also pull in a great communist warrior from that dimension which, again, has not heard of communism? It’s amazing that we got the plot and a plot-destroying plothole in two consecutive panels.

So who is this mighty warrior who will surely fight for Marxism just as soon as you explain Marxism? Is it any college freshman? No! It’s...

Oh shit, it’s Princess, the gender-swapped authorial insert of the man who hates women! Read nothing into the fact that the guy who spent the last three issues calling women useless whores wrote himself in as the sexiest lady of all. Read nothing into the fact that she took Roll’s cue and changed into something even skimpier. Read nothing into the fact that-

You know what? Just stop reading into facts. Nothing good will come of it.

Because Princess is finally here, and every single time she’s been shown we, the readers, are explicitly promised she’s going to fuck everything up big time.

So get ready to fuck things up!

Surely!

I mean, it would be crazy if we forgot about Princess entirely to, say, dedicate the entire next issue to child prostitution in Brazil. That would be nuts. It would be insane if the issue after that still didn’t mention Princess. It would be completely mental if Jose Pereira risked his job, his career, possibly his life just to unveil his grandest creation -- a big-titted anime girl who only says what he wants -- and then promised she would wreak unfathomable destruction every time she was on the page, only to quit the entire comic book without ever having her do a single thing. That would defy reason.

So here’s issue #4 of New Adventures of Mega Man. It’s about child prostitution in Brazil.

This is actually Roll’s origin story, and we open on her dancing with another little girl, which is a very Brazilian thing to do, only to get power-slapped by a controlling older woman, which is an even more Brazilian thing to do.

She goes on to, hold on-

I almost forgot to tell you to eat shit for remembering anything from the previous issue!

Wow, okay. I am dropping the ball here. If you slipped up and accidentally remembered something that happened, or were expecting anything like a coherent storyline to emerge from any of the previously mentioned plotlines, please take a moment out now to go to fuck yourself as hard as you possibly can. We’re on the honor system here, don’t ruin it for everybody.

Back to Roll’s origin story -- and remember this is an officially licensed, Capcom-endorsed IP so this is all technically canon:

Mega Man’s sister was human trafficked.

This is it. This is most of the issue. Just page after page of loose collections of traumatized girls breaking the panel flow while middle school poetry struggles to explain that human trafficking is actually pretty gross, you guys.

Hey, real quick reminder: This is a Mega Man comic.

Hey, real quick reminder: This is Roll in the games.

That sprite is now a child prostitute.

That’s canon!

Don’t get uppity with me about canon! Capcom officially sold the license to Mega Man to this insane comic book company and then they took a summer off to discover themselves. They let this happen, and that means it’s forever part of Mega Man lore now.

Roll is a former child prostitute, Mega Man wants to bang his sister so bad he creams his denim jumpsuit just to look at her, and Mega Man X is a gaslighting nationalist who also, of course, wants to bang his human trafficked sisterbot.

Remember, this is a comic book. A fun comic book for kids.

This isn’t even a Very Special Issue where they eschew comic book conventions to tell a serious story.

Here’s page 14 Just abject despair and misery, full of frightened naked children and… nazis, I guess? Mega Nazis?

Now here’s page 15… fan mail!

Whoa! Cool! Look at that neat Mega Man 2 fan art! Ha ha, get ‘em Blue Bomber!

Here’s page 16!

There’s no way, there’s no fucking way you went to the store with your saved-up allowance to buy a comic book with your favorite video game character on the cover and expected to get a pretentiously cut splash page about child molestation. But again -- look back at that fan art. Kids are buying this!

Kids are learning that, hold on -

You’re worried, aren’t you? Don’t worry. I feel you worrying again! You’re worried they take Roll to a gross dude who molests her.

Don’t worry.

Only all those other girls got molested, Roll was purchased by a man who just wanted to flay her and turn her into a cyborg.

You were worried!

And he’s only going to turn her into a prostitute AFTER she’s in the robot body! So the sexbot will look grown up - you know, the one we’ve been ogling every single issue -- but it’ll be a child’s brain in it. That makes it morally okay, because by the time you finish explaining it to people who might judge you, they’ve already written you off as a terminal nerd and aren’t listening for the really bad part.

You worried for nothing!

Hey, real quick reminder: that’s Dr. Light, the creator of Mega Man, who apparently worked abducting children and turning them into bionic moonwhores before having a crisis of conscience.

So that’s Mega Man canon, too. Dr. Light, this guy:

Built so many child prostitute robots that he just couldn’t build another child prostitute robot, and that’s actually why he built Mega Man in the first place. To stop the child prostitute robots! He built!

That’s, I don’t know, the plot of the first Mega Man. Here’s the intro to Mega Man for the NES.

Capcom left that wording nice and vague, but now we can fill in the blanks. Dr. Wily’s “evil desires” were to build child hobots, and as soon as you pressed ‘start’ Mega Man ran off to mercy-kill the young sex slaves trapped inside the powerful robotic frames of Ice Man and Guts Man. That’s what you were doing, playing that game!

Eat Bubble Lead, child prostitute!

Anyway, that was issue #4. Jose Pereira has one issue left to peddle his madness. But now you’re feeling prepared for it. You’re ready for anything he can throw at you. Fuckin’ Capcom’s communist Brazilian child trafficking robot armies, whatever! You can handle this next swerve.

Here’s issue #5: A fun rollerblade race!

Straight up. No swerves.

It’s just a Wacky Races-style rollerblade derby starring your favorite Mega Man characters.

Jose Pereira opened with a pretty basic ‘awaken the savior’ plotline in issue #1. Then he went completely mad with a nothing amount of power for three straight issues, filling them with rants about big government and socialism, proclaiming that all Brazilian comic book publishers are sluts for corporate dick, and decrying the fascists at Capcom itself. He spun out for an entire comic full of just artsy minimalist splash panels about human trafficking and child prostitution -- and then he wrapped it all up with the mandatory ‘90s rollerblade issue.

Hahaha, fantastic. He knew. He knew you’d come to expect the abuse, that you flinched every time he raised his hand, and the only thing he could do to surprise you was instead use that hand to lace up some bitchin’ blades and shred the gnar.

Fuck you, the reader, in every direction. That’s really what Jose Periera wanted to get across in his time with New Adventures of Mega Man. That’s it. That’s the only consistent message he carried through every single issue.

Well, that and all women are ‘washing machines.’

He just really thought that was hilarious.

...

This article was brought to you by a hot tip from Swift.